Luna Tail

Yes, I do wish I could just be dumb.  I feel dumb a lot of the time… mostly at my work.  And you know, this blog is cool because no one can tell me otherwise!

Okay Okay I know I’m not really dumb.  I just feel a lot of pressure a lot of the time to be smart.  And I feel stress and anxiety when it comes to that.  I just want to be me. Be natural. Instead I feel like I have to perform. And when I feel forced to perform like that, I freeze up and shut down and I just can’t do it.

I love the dog training because my whole life doesn’t depend on it.  I like that’s it’s a pleasure and a hobby and a labor of love.  Maybe I’m feeling stressed now because my husband isn’t working at all so it’s all on me.  But I’ve never felt that way before so I don’t know if it’s the case now.  Maybe it’s because I’m under three years to retirement, and I’m terrified I’ll be laid off before I get to retire.

Ugh. Either way, I just want to be okay to be dumb if I am dumb. Slow if I am slow. And smart or fast if I am those too.  I don’t want the pressure!  Maybe the pressure is what is behind it all. I just don’t know. Ugh.

I just finished watching Race to Witch Mountain… wasn’t the original called Escape to Witch Mountain? Hrmm now I don’t remember.

And while it wasn’t all that great of a show, too much action and not enough character development, it reminded me of how our society has the 40 hour work week and if you don’t fit into that mold, then you are going to have a really hard time.

I don’t like that mold. I don’t fit it… even though I’ve been doing it for most of my life. Well, the last 21 years anyway. And probably more than that. But what about people who just can’t sit confined at a desk all day, or even just in the restraint of that type of work? Selling rv insurance is the same idea though…

There are the artists of the world who don’t conform. Back in the old old days when we didn’t have this 40 hour work week there were farmers and warriors and you just did what you did to support yourself. Now you must fit in the mold.

And if you don’t, you’ll be on the street.

And that is scary.

I can do it… but I don’t really like doing it. It’s too much stress. And the closer I get to having it be over, the more stressed I get about having it cut out from under me. That security… that pension. I just hope I can sit behind that desk for another four years, do my best, and hope for something else when I’m done.

So in the dog training world there is a phrase that we use. Frustration Tolerance. Maybe it’s in the kid or human world too but since I live in the dog world that’s what I know.

I have no fulfillment center in my life right now but I do have work. And I wonder if I have too high of a frustration tolerance. That just means that I can tolerate frustration quite a bit. You might think I don’t tolerate frustration well since I have very little patience and want what I want when I want it and that is usually NOW.

But when it comes to work and various other parts of my life I can put up with a whole heck of a lot of crap before I blow my top. And my Zoloft, of course, makes it so I hardly get mad at all anymore.

Well I think I’ve reached my frustration tolerance max with work. I think I realized, after 10 years, that I really don’t like programming. It’d tedious and there is so much detail.. it’s like staring at the computer screen all freakin’ day long and going through letters and numbers with a fine tooth comb. Bleh. I’m sick of it.

Not that I can do anything about it.  I have four years before I can retire. And I love my coworkers. And I know this is a good job. I’m just having problems lately having to work at all. I should be an artist living on the street doing what I love. But instead I’m stuck in a stupid cubicle day in and day out and I really am tired of it.

Bleh. Oh well. Work was a pain today because my pager didn’t go off when it should have.  So I’m cranky and feeling like an idiot and a failure. But I feel like that a lot at my job so no surprise there.

Oh well, is it lunch time yet?

Just a quick note… though 21 years didn’t go by quickly. 21 years ago today I started working with the State of Utah. I can’t believe it’s been so long.

Four more years I can retire… if we don’t have more budget cuts next year which could lay me off. I’m crossing my fingers.

21 years ago today I was 21 years old and started my job with the welfare department. Worked there for 9.5 years, then got my programming degree and switched to my programming job. I swear the first 10 years went by way, way slower than these last 11.

I’m not going to go into detail because I don’t like to share private information here on my blog… but three people were laid off at my work last week. It’s horrible. One of them directly affects me because it was my boss.

I love my boss, as a boss and as a friend. And my heart broke to see her go. Fortunately our friendship will keep us in contact and is more valuable that the work relationship anyway. And she is in good spirits. In a way, it’s an opportunity for her, some relaxing time off, and some decisions for the days ahead. She’s an amazing woman, smart, and has a lot of knowledge so she should be able to get another job pretty fast.. if she wants to.

However, for those of us left at work, we’ll be moved back under the boss I left a couple of years ago. And I won’t go into detail about that, either. But suffice it to say that I was very happy being under my friend/boss for the last two years. And some things will probably change now, changes that I won’t like much. Maybe some wholesale programs will be cut.

Anyway, the dogs keep me happy, and life goes on. And I guess it’s good that I still have my job. Four years and two months and I can retire. I’m hoping for September of 2013. The time really will fly, I’m sure.

Well, I’ve taken the plunge. I’ve been reading a lot about The Niche Blogger and how full time passive income is within my reach. And, well, I have a couple of personality traits that I think will be good to earn blogging money.. my obsession tendencies, and my anxiety! When I start something, I obsess about it. Which is good, because I can really dedicate myself to this in the beginning, and then later, when my anxiety kicks in, take a break.

Having a solid plan of action is a critical element of earning blogging money. And, it’s supposed to be pretty easy, in the log run! So I’m starting with a solid plan, and as things progress, I’ll be posting about it here on this blog.

I think in the past I’ve just wanted to put a blog up and hope that the money will start to roll in! It takes more than that… and so I went about finding a plan of action so I can earn as much money as possible from my blogs. So far, I only make a couple of hundred dollars a month. And I’d love to make a couple of thousand dollars instead.

So I’ve been reading a lot about a program called “The Niche Blogger!” Many blogs have been talking about this, saying it’s the best source they’ve found. It’s a complete program that was put together to help new people get their own start in blogging. And I figured what I was doing wasn’t really working well, so I wanted to find a mentor or model who is already a successful niche blogger.

I’ve been told this program will cut down the time it takes me to learn how to make money blogging and help me to avoid mistakes that will keep me from making money. Though I’ve also read that joining the Niche Blogger means I will have to dedicate myself to it. Which I’m excited to do!

There are so many different methods to earning money blogging that it’s easy to get lost in, and fall prey to, other methods that don’t really work. And it’s hard to find the model that actually does work. But finding the model that does work is exciting, and will help me (and you?) succeed!

I realize that even though I can start earning pretty quickly, I won’t become rich overnight. However I really hope to make a couple thousand a month so that I can pay off my mortgage faster! I’ve already seen some income trickling in from my blogging money.. and I really hope that in the next few months I’ll be able to make at least a good part time income from my blogs. Maybe even full-time income…? But we’ll have to see! After I get my blogs set up, it should be a relatively passive income. The cool thing about having blogs up is that they are 24 hour a day, seven day a week, “salespeople.”

I’m really doing this in case I get laid off. Though I hope I won’t, in this awful economy there is always the risk. So if I can make some blogging money I can have extra income to pay off the mortgage, or if I do get laid off, I’ll already have established blogs to become a full-time blogger.

By following the The Niche Blogger instructions, and dedicating myself to it until I am successful, I have confidence I’ll succeed. I’ve only been participating in it for about four or five days, and I’ve already discovered amazing information that is very impressive! Things I never knew before about blogging and the web, and I know a lot about the web!

I hope that I’ll look back on the moment I decided to become a niche blogger a year from now and know that it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I’m actually very excited. The strategies I’ve learned so far were an amazing surprise!

I look forward to making some nice blogging money and having some awesome passive income! I’m all for passive income!

Ahhh… yes, here they are.  To be blunt, got my period this morning and I can already feel the hormones equalizing and righting themselves.  It’s an amazing feeling, actually. On my pre-zoloft days I could lay in bed and just feel my body getting better, like pleasant drugs coursing through my body and making me feel better.

The next three or so days I’ll keep equalizing until I’m back to normal and a regular human again.  However I’ll still worry… I have realized that my PMDD was extra bad this month because my job might be in danger. 20 years with the State of Utah… 5 years to retirement, and the legislature might cut so many funds that my position has to be cut. If that happens, I will freak out.

I’ll get any job with the State to reach my five years so I can get my pension and then just retire.  I don’t even care what it is. I can do just about anything, and I’ll go back to the welfare office if I have to. If there are jobs. Which there should be, because so many people will be out of work they’ll be on welfare! Ugh!

Anyway… so I am feeling better, and yet the stress is still there. I long for they day I won’t have to worry anymore!

Yes, I do it. I overspend. Fortunately I don’t overspend to the point where I am in debt, but I overspend to the point where every payday (like today) I’m scraping the bottom of my bank accounts to pay the credit card off and make sure all the bills are paid for.

Granted I have lots of little funds that I put money into each paycheck… the animal health/food fund, the Christmas fund, the vacation fund (that is empty now thanks to the cruise), the dog sports fund, the Taxes & Insurance fund, and the Mortgage and Utilities fund. So to the average un-anal person I probably seem like I have a lot of money.

However, lately here at the State of Utah, they are talking about layoffs. So instead of getting by by the skin of my teeth every month, I need to stop spending. I get bored, I spend money and I eat, both bad things.  I get afraid or PMSey (it’s day 22 now) or just stress, okay heck, it doesn’t take much for me to spend money! I’m actually glad that I have money to spend instead of going into debt. I don’t think I’d let it go that far.

And no I’m stressed about the layoffs. I have 20 years with the State.  I always knew that retiring at age 46 would be too good to be true. That’s probably why I’m so nervous about it.  I have less than 5 years and I can buy out 5 years and retire. And then, hopefully, I’ll have a pension for the rest of my life and not have to worry about money.. as much.

So it depends on what the legislature decides this session. They go into session on January 20 and are done sometime in March. Hopefully they won’t say our departments have to cut much more money out. Last year this time we had a huge surplus. Amazing how fast that can change.  Whoever predicted the revenue for this year.. well, they just sucked! Maybe that person should be laid off?  =P

Actually.. I was in a meeting with the boss, fortunately the boss didn’t call me into her office for a meeting! In my dream my boss and I were at some sort of meeting, or conference, and it was rather boring. I was asking her if it would be okay if I brought my knitting and knitted during the meeting. She didn’t care (she wouldn’t in real life either) but she pointed to the assistant director and kinda implied I should ask her. I didn’t want to though!

I also remember walking around a school like campus looking for this work meeting… I’m not sure if that was before or after the above portion of the dream. I needed travel insurance also, for getting around the campus. I was watching my phone or something, texting maybe, and ended up following an asian woman in the wrong direction. But I caught myself and went the right way again.

It was a short dream, as my dreams go. But I do remember it!

I don’t want to jinx it, but I have the potential to retire in five and a half years. I hope to do so by November of 2013, just before Christmas. And this trip to St. George, Utah for flyball, I found myself talking to my friend about retirement quite a bit.

We didn’t end up listening to many books on CD during the drive, but the news and the conversation were interesting. And I do talk about retirement… I will only be 46 years old… as long as I don’t die or the State changes the laws or something. Retirement really does seem too good to be true. But if I do… if I really do retire, I’ll be set for life and I can do all the things I love.

And most importantly, my financial stability and security won’t depend on my performance at a job. Because I never really think I’m good enough… maybe it’s just because my life depends on my job, and all my dogs and my house, and it’s so important that I’m always afraid I might lose it.

I need a positive attitude!