Luna Tail

Goodness I haven’t blogged here in Five Days!? That’s awful! What is going on with me!? Well, I’ll tell ya. Saturday and Sunday I was doing agility with the dogs all day both days. Saturday was a 12 hour day and I was beat afterwards. But Chase got his Open Standard Title and he is doing so well I am so happy with him! And Levi did good to though no Qs for that collie boy.

Anyway then Monday I burned videos all day from the trial, and watched TV and rested. And wanted some popcorn machines so I could eat because I was hungry and I love popcorn, but I was good and just ate healthy stuff all day. And drank a lot, I was so thirsty all day.

So I’m catching up now and hopefully things won’t be so slow on my blogs!

Sometimes I don’t know how much stress I’m having until it’s gone. Whew… finally I think it’s gone and I’m slowing down. I get into such a rush. I rush on the computer, I rush in the house, I rush running errands. Rushing, to me, is a feeling I get inside where I must get things done. Must must must now now now.

I vented to my nail tech today about yesterday in the dog park. It really frazzled me more than I admitted to myself. And then work, too, not getting that to work. So finally today when I got home from having my nails done, I was able to relax again.

All is well. The dogs are healthy and happy. And I made a really yummy recipe from the Weight Watchers Cookbook my sister gave me for Christmas. Leek and Egg Casserole. Yummy! Lots of leeks, which I don’t like raw, but cooked they are good.

So now I’m going to bed Nice And Early today. It’s 8pm, I’m shutting down the laptop, and I’m going to get a good night sleep.

Happy New Year Again!

Well, sitting here at the laptop with the TV on, figuring out my new VPS server, and it’s 7:41 pm. It really, really feels like it should be about noon.

Granted I took a two hour nap today. I love naps. Might have only been an hour and a half but still, a nap is a nap. Today is a down day for me. I love down days! I bathed all six dogs.. that was a project. We think we might still have some kind of bug because I have been bitten again. Ugh. I hate bites.

Time goes by so fast… that, more than anything, bothers me. Things that make the time go by faster are naps (lol), and being on the computer. Which I have been most of the day.

Things that make time go slow… one of them is camping. I love camping. Can’t go now, too cold with a foot of snow outside, too. But still. We like our trailer, it is a step up from our canvas tent. The trailer has a heater.

Okay back to VPS setup…

I went to a Christmas Party today, my husband’s family. They are wonderful and I love sitting and chatting with them. And I joke, but it’s true, that it takes me about five years to really feel comfortable with people. Well, it’s been over five years now and I am feeling more comfortable with them.

My husband’s step-sister (I love her, she’s great) was saying how her daughter (about 6 now?) is so shy. She doesn’t much like to go out and it was her goal to say hi, in church, to someone when they said hi first. I told her (step-sister) that I was that shy when I was a kid. And it is really nice to see how aware and gentle they are being with her. Genes are funny things, because my friend at work has two granddaughters, and they are far from shy! It’s very interesting to see kids and how different they can be. Being sensitive to a shy child, and helping her open up without terrifying her, is so important! Believe me, I know, because I was painfully shy and frightened when I was a child (much to the dismay of my very outgoing and talkative mother).

So anyway where am I going with this? Oh yes… having had social anxiety all my life I am just now, in the last four years or so, learning about making friends and keeping friendships. Yes yes I know, I should have learned these things when I was 6. But I did not. I went with anyone who would take me. I didn’t realize that I could chose my friends. I am very fortunate to have learned this belief, and every day I am amazed at how wonderful it is to actually be able to pick friends.

And there are so many people, especially in the dog world, and I’m really finding those who I fit with and I’m trying to cultivate friendships with them. Of course I do realize that some of the women who I want to be friends with may not, in turn, want to be friends with me. And that is okay because I’m no longer a child and I can now realize I have value anyway and not everyone has to like me.

So I am finding people I like to be with, and I am trying to minimize being with those people I don’t feel like I fit with all that well, or those that I just don’t like some of their behaviors. Even though I like them, some behaviors (such as insulting others in a very derogatory manner) are just not what I like to associate with and so I try to stay away. But I am not rude. Never rude. And I do want to be able to span all the ‘clicks’ that have formed in the dog community.

And even when looking for body shop supplies, I can decide who I want to go shopping with!

I am still learning what I don’t like, behavior wise, in some people. Though it’s weird to me to distance myself from them. My friend at work gives me helpful tips about it. And really, I really like the friends I am making so much that, unlike when I was a child, I don’t feel like I have to keep or be close to everyone I meet that I almost fit with, but not quite! Wow!

So thanks to my new friends, you don’t know how much you help me and what you do for me. And, especially, thanks to my sister who really is my best friend and I love spending time with her! (I apologize for this long post but I have been thinking about this and it is a very important subject to me.)

So my friend at work yesterday was asking me some questions he thought would trip me up. But you see, I know myself pretty well and I know what I want out of life.

I am 40 years old now and I can, potentially, retire in 6 years. I’ll have 25 years in with the state, I’ll have to use my 401k to buy out 5 years, and then I’ll get 60% of my income as my pension.

So he asks me if I got $1 million a year right now to change jobs, but the caveat was I had to work until I was 60 years old, would I do it?

Would you?

He is 52 years old so he would take it right away, as he’d only have 8 more years to work. Me, however, I would have to work 20 more years. Sure, I’d be rich as hell, but in money only. Not as a human.

No amount of money would keep me working until I’m 60 years old. The more important things to me are quality time with my husband, my family, and my dogs. I would rather struggle with money and do the things I am passionate about, rather than work my whole life away. Neither my husband nor I value work all that much. I value personal growth, learning, loving and living life. And work does not figure into that. Sure I value my work, I enjoy my work, I love my coworkers and friends I have here. But I resent having to go to work 40 hours a week every week, work for ‘the man’ and not have the time for myself. I’m spoiled rotten and I know it.

And that’s why, too, I can’t be angry at my husband for not working. I really don’t care if he works or not. I do want us to have the income I have become accustomed to. Because, again, I’m spoiled rotten and I want to be able to do all the dog things I still do. And we need health insurance, of course.

When I am 90 and can no longer run with my dogs, I want to sit back on my comfy couch and reflect on my life, and know that I did exactly what I was passionate about doing. Work does not fall into that category. Because you know, we can’t take money with us. Maybe we can take our love and our passions with us. I hope we have a soul that will go onto something else when we die. And maybe, just maybe, that soul will have memories of all the wonderful things I did, and the amazing people I knew.

Something that really helps to reduce my anxiety when I’m full of it.. is to just listen. Not to the TV or to the radio or anything. Rather to just sit in silence and sit and listen to the world.

The pad of the dogs’ paws going up or down the stairs, the distance chatter from the TV in my husband’s computer room. The heater as it turns on and off… it calms me down, to just sit and relax. I need to do more of it. To sit and listen.

Listen to the quiet.

I am in such a good mood today. I am appreciating all of my friends. I am so lucky, and I appreciate all of them so much, they don’t even realize. And I’m so glad I’m not letting people treat me like crap anymore. There was an incident at the tournament with another team, tears and yelling, and I was just thinking to myself how I love my team, Thunder Paws flyball!

Sitting in the hotel room, working, having it be quiet and different, is really helping me to relax. I am having a very nice time here. I wonder if they sell Wicked tickets in Las Vegas because I love seeing the shows here. Though I haven’t seen many, I would like to see more.

Not this week, though. This week is vegetable week!

Once again a busy day. Work, though, was kinda fun. I feel like I learned some and got some things done. My coworker friend and I (she did 99% of the work) gave a training class today. I don’t like doing it, but I have done, and will do again. She does such a good job. Anyway, I was able to remote into my work PC and run queries during the training. They take so darn long.

In the afternoon she helped me work on a report, and opened up my eyes to new options I hadn’t known of before. It’s so nice to have more options!

Tonight I had to declutter the house some, as the maid service is coming tomorrow. Will be nice and clean again!

And tomorrow my hermit crabs come! I’m excited, and nervous. I hope I have everything set up just right for them!

Anyway, the nice thing about working from home is I can make a big pot of coffee in the morning, though it’d be nice to have espresso machines too. I do love a Latte, though a plain cup of coffee does me okay, too.

Gah! I am too much of a goer sometimes. I put Tatum in a crate to enforce downtime because she often doesn’t know when she needs it. Well, I’m like that too, it seems. I told my Husband to put me in a crate, please, as I need to relax.

I went jogging this morning with the boys. Then to agility practice with the boys (you could tell they were tired). Then to Ikea for an hour to get more stuff for the wardrobe. Then to Sportsman’s Warehouse to buy a small cooler/fridge I can plug into the car and the hotel when I go to Nevada this next week for flyball and agility.

Then I came home and had to put the wardrobe together more, because I had the parts! This is a picture… kinda a funny picture, of three shots piecedtogether. It’s too big, and the room is too small, to get a full shot.

I have discovered the personal experience of actually having patience and moving slower through time. Thanks to my meds, I can now do things and actually experience them, instead of rushing through and trying only to avoid my anxiety.

It’s pretty amazing. I never experienced this before. And I think it’s something that you can’t really understand until you experience it. And yes, I am enjoying it, and appreciating it, very much!

I can talk to people and be fairly calm. I do still have anxiety, don’t get me wrong. And sometimes I don’t know if I’m feeling hunger or anxiety.

But now I can cut up liver for the dogs’ treats and remain calm. I can actually read instructions when putting something together and try to figure it out, instead of getting frustrated and giving up.

Recently I’ve been starting to wear eye makeup. I have never had the patience before. Makeup and Hair were horrible for me and filled with tons of anxiety. Taking the time, and having the patience, to actually learn how to apply makeup was something I was not capable of doing.

And so now I’m trying to learn how to wear eye makeup. I have no idea. My eyelashes, as I posted about before, are light and thin and blond. And they point in toward my nose. And they my eyes are so pale I’d like to bring them out more, once in a while. Not be a slave to makeup, never a slave to it, but I’d like to know how to wear it.

So now I want to find myself an eye makeup tutorial with photos. Yes, I’m 40, and yes maybe I should have learned this 20 years ago. But I never did. So I want to learn it now! Anyone know of any good eyeliner and mascara tutorials? Do I have to wear eyeshadow to, if I wear eyeliner and mascara?

So much to learn…