Luna Tail|Lunacy, Crabiness, Life

Okay Yup, I’m going to change my meds. LOL. I went to a new GYN last week and I really liked her! And, bonus, she’s on my insurance! Okay wait, she’s the Nurse Practitioner, haven’t actually met the doctor, but that’s fine by me. She gave me a prescription for bio-identical progesterone. I’ve wanted to try it forever… the prescription kind. I’ve done the over the counter kind often enough, and it does help, but I’ve wanted to actually work with a doctor to see if we can get the balance just right for me.

And I’m dropping off the Zoloft. Yay! I’m sick of it. I’m sick of having my muscles feel like they have electricity going through them all the time. Yuck. It’s not fun. And I am blaming most everything on the stuff now… I can’t drop weight for the life of me. My tension in my neck. And my swollen sinuses and face. These are, actually, all side effects. So hopefully getting off it will get rid of these. I just gotta keep my PMS under control, and the associated awful anxiety. Bleh.

So it’ll take about 6 weeks to get completely changed over. We’ll see how it goes. So far, so good. Maybe I’ll get some bow ties to make myself feel pretty when I’m done. Oh wait, that’d be for the husband wouldn’t it? LOL.

Anyway, I’ll keep the world posted about how I’m doing! And for the record, I’m really not that bad. I just want to even myself out a bit. Not like my life is miserable and I’m suffering awful anxiety all the time. So maybe I just need to suck it up anyway. LOL

I’ve been stressed lately. Have I mentioned that? Oh probably.. I forget what I post, I have the most awful memory in the world. :p A few things that have been stressing me include our new foster dog, Titus (not really him but he does throw the pack off-kilter) going to Denmark (yes I bought tickets!), work (dang work is really a huge stressor right now), my Mom (I think I made her mad but I’m too chicken to talk to her about it), and painting my spare bedroom.

I’ll post about some of these in more detail later. Maybe I’ll buy some new breeches which might make me happy. But then again, probably not, because my weight is really up and buying clothes is not fun anymore. And as I eat this piece of chocolate… well, that doesn’t help at all.

So too much stress lately, and I have had a nasty headache all day today so I’ve spend most of the day in bed or on the couch and doing nothing. Hopefully my head will feel better tomorrow.

So I’ve been having a hard time for the last few months with how I feel. Both physically and mentally. Last PMS Cycle my husband finally asked me how I was and I told him that I felt just rotten. My PMS was horrible and I was angry and hateful again like I used to be before I started taking my sertraline.

Well so I started thinking about it and about 2 months ago my insurance mail order drug company started sending me a different type of sertraline. So I started to read up on it. I used to get sertraline manufactured by Teva Laboratories. But this latest bottle was from Cobolt Laboratories. And I know I know all generics are supposed to be the same right?

Well I did some research (which is the new cool phrase for spending lots of time on Google) to find out what other people thought about generic Sertraline.  Well it’s hard to search for anything related to Sertraline or Zoloft (Zoloft is the brand name as you probably already know) except for people trying to sell it to you. Bleh.  But I did find a couple of places where people were talking about it and it seems many people have a hard time with various generics.

So I decided that the Cobolt Labs Sertraline was just not working for me.  It was like getting all the bad side effects of Sertraline… muscle tension, foggy brain, without any of the anxiety reducing benefits (Oh BTW, I don’t suffer from depression. I do suffer from Anxiety).  So that just totally and completely sucked.

It was almost time for me to get a new prescription from my doctor anyway so I made an appointment and went in. Even though I hate going to the doctor, and yes I’m also ashamed of taking anti-anxiety meds but hey I do it anyway.  Despite the stigma attached.  I told him I really wanted Zoloft, the real thing, the brand name Zoloft, so I could try it out. It’s always the same. Manufactured by Pfizer, with their standard formula.  And guess what? It works so much better I’m amazed!

I gave it about five days before really forming an opinion.  And no I’m not making the results up (I always am afraid people will think I’m making things up).  But my side effects are fewer (I do still have a fairly foggy brain and I do have muscle tension and neck pain) but it’s taking a good chunk of the anxiety away. Whew! I hate anxiety!  I still have some at night, and I’m still terrified of failing at work (and I know I’m not doing very well.. that’s for another post),  But it’s helping a lot better than even the Teva Labs Sertraline.

So for me, generic anxiety medication is not all the same.  In fact, they are very, very different.  Maybe I am just sensitive. Heck, I know I am, because I have anxiety to begin with!  And from what I’ve read, different manufacturers put different inactive ingredients in their prescription meds.  And that can effect the amount that is absorbed into the bloodstream. Plus, I’ve heard rumor, but didn’t find any confirmation, that manufacturers only need to provide a dose within 10% of the FDA approved dosage amount into their generic medication.  And 10% of 100mg can be a huge difference!

So now I’m on Zoloft brand Sertraline.  I like it so far.  Of course it’s hugely expensive.  $90 a month as opposed to $10 a month for generics. And no we can’t really afford it now. But we will afford it, because I want to feel better. And that is more important than money.

So as you guys probably know I got the most wonderful puppy back in July. He’s six months old now and he is still the most wonderful puppy. I hope he doesn’t grow up too fast because it’s just so much fun to have a wiggly silly puppy in the house.

Jet trusts me so completely. This might be a dog related post, but it’s kid related too. And just a general trust post so I thought I’d put it here instead of my dog blog. Anyway I am just amazed at how completely he trusts me. He lets me hold him upside down, lift him, take things from him, give things to him… he flops on me in lots of ways with no thought of falling or being treated poorly. I assume young children are just exactly like this. Do young kids have trust as their default? Are they born with trusting their parents entirely?

I have had so many dogs through my home that don’t trust me. And as an adult human I don’t trust too many people. It seems, as adult humans, we don’t tend to trust easily. Trust has to be earned. We have been disappointed way too many times.

What if our trust was never betrayed, from the time we were little kids, and we trusted people by default? And people were trustworthy? I just wonder what the world would be like. Totally different… and human nature would not let that happen. But it’s an interesting idea anyway. Maybe in 4396510 years humans will evolve to a point where we will be trustworthy. Until then.. I will cherish my little boy Jet and appreciate all the trust he gives me. And protect him as much as I can. I want him to know the world is a safe place. I will make the world a safe place for him. Unlike a human kid, he won’t ever go out on his own and need to be a skeptic. I’ll always watch over him.

I just finished watching Race to Witch Mountain… wasn’t the original called Escape to Witch Mountain? Hrmm now I don’t remember.

And while it wasn’t all that great of a show, too much action and not enough character development, it reminded me of how our society has the 40 hour work week and if you don’t fit into that mold, then you are going to have a really hard time.

I don’t like that mold. I don’t fit it… even though I’ve been doing it for most of my life. Well, the last 21 years anyway. And probably more than that. But what about people who just can’t sit confined at a desk all day, or even just in the restraint of that type of work? Selling rv insurance is the same idea though…

There are the artists of the world who don’t conform. Back in the old old days when we didn’t have this 40 hour work week there were farmers and warriors and you just did what you did to support yourself. Now you must fit in the mold.

And if you don’t, you’ll be on the street.

And that is scary.

I can do it… but I don’t really like doing it. It’s too much stress. And the closer I get to having it be over, the more stressed I get about having it cut out from under me. That security… that pension. I just hope I can sit behind that desk for another four years, do my best, and hope for something else when I’m done.

So I think I’ve figured out a huge thing with how I’m feeling… the crawling sensation that I get under my skin that I have been thinking is the Candida.  Well, now I think it’s anxiety.

I think I’ve been internalizing my anxiety and, as weird as it may sound, it’s been manifesting underneath my skin and just above my muscles.

I’ve mentioned before that I have trouble doing things… various things, but really all things, that would be responsible to do. Like taking vitamins for instance. I take them for a while, but then I stop because suddenly the anxiety comes up and I don’t take them anymore. I’ve said that I can obsess about things, such as knitting or jogging, and then after a while I stop that, too. But now I wonder if it’s obsessing, or if it’s just this same barrier that I keep hitting.

Just like hitting hard classroom desks or a brick wall, my anxiety comes up and it prevents me from doing what I want to do. I’ll tell you sometimes I have no idea how I’ve been involved in dog training and dogs for so long. I guess my passion outweighs the anxiety. But for the most part I can only do things for so long and then I stop cold.  (Well, except for watching TV or movies too, but that’s an escape so doesn’t count.)

So now I’m trying to feel the anxiety.  Look at it. When I do, it doesn’t get under my skin and I don’t feel the crawling pain so much.  So that’s good!  But, of course, anxiety sucks and I hate feeling it.  Anxiety likes to protect itself and to do so it distracts the mind to look at something else.  So I have to force myself to see the anxiety and feel it.

So I’m trying that now.  I don’t even know what is causing the anxiety.. what thoughts? What habits? What feelings?  How does taking vitamins make me anxious? I think there’s an underlying common component that I have yet to discover.

I think this is a big step for me though!

So I’m a liberal… which means a lot of things, I guess. But one thing I’m in full support of is the Health Care bill that Obama is trying to get passed.

I know I know there are so many arguments that the government won’t be able to effectively run a health care plan. The public option. Whatever. The government can be very inefficient in a lot of things. However it comes down to a bottom line that it seems like the conservatives and republicans just don’t want to talk about…

Every single person in this country deserves good quality health care.

Whether they work or not. I don’t think health care should be tied to a job. I think that’s an outdated, weird idea. Even every homeless person on the street should get good quality free health care. It should be a human right in a country as advanced as this one. No one should go without.

I work for the government and I have seen lots of inefficiencies. I’ve also seen a lot of efficiencies. The post office is run just fine. The police do a dang good job. There are a lot of government agencies that are just fine. And I don’t know of any other way to get health care to everyone, regardless of employment, other than the government running it.

So that’s my 2cents. I am tired of the debate, just pass the bill already! Maybe a natural appetite suppressant will even be covered and I can lose some weight! LOL I’m just kidding, but I would love to see everyone getting good solid health care without having to lose their homes. And I do have good health care already. And I am not afraid of losing mine!

I’ve realized recently… well last night even, that the pain I’m experience isn’t really muscle pain. It’s deeper than that. And it’s not really pain as much as it is a sensation of thrumming or needles under my skin.

I am better… and although I still fight the idea that I have Candida or Lyme (though I’m on meds for both) I continue to do what the doctor tells me in hopes that I will feel completely better one day.

So my muscles won’t relax because I am all tensed out trying to suppress the unpleasant feeling underneath the muscles. It’s hard to describe. I got a massage yesterday and it helps to relax my muscles, but it does nothing for the underlying thrumming. Dnd that’s a good word… thrumming. Hrm.

The lighting fixture at the massage place is so dim, I had to look to see if they can brighten it to clean and vacuum… LOL I look at weird stuff huh?

Anyway I signed a contract.. it’s with Massage Envy. Like an idiot I didn’t realize I was signing for a year. But I can get out if I get a doctors note. So next time I see the doctor I’ll ask him for a note saying the massage may be hurting, not helping. :p I really can’t afford massages every month. I can’t afford much.. and yeah I’m still spending too much. BLEH

Oh well…

So… organizing my life is really hard. Ugh. There are a lot of things that I love to do. Mainly spending time training and being with my dogs and my husband. I am going to have to think about what I should spend more of my time doing… what I love to do, and what I need to put on the back burner. Because if I write it down, maybe I’ll be better at organizing life.

When I was a kid I swear I had more time than I knew what to do with. I no longer do. I need more hours in the day. But since that isn’t going to happen anytime soon, I need to prioritize instead.

So I’m going to think of things I love and want and need to do, and put those up at the top.

Top Priority: Training Chase and Jet
Other Priorities:
Spending time with the Husband (yeah this should be #1 but oh well lol)
Relaxation and down time.
Training Tatum.
Spending time cleaning and fixing up our house.
Trialing with the dogs.
Spending time fixing up the yard.
Spending time with family.
Spending time with friends.
Doing other dog training.
Updating blogs.

This is only a rough draft with some ideas. I have to make the relaxation time up there pretty high, becuase I don’t do enough of it and I really need to. And I don’t know what the best order is, yet. So I’ll think about it over the next few days.

I also want to go camping, but with Lucy having to eat a liquid diet it’s hard. Maybe some motorhome towing would be of use when pulling our trailer… but maybe not. I am taking the trailer to Idaho Falls next month for an obedience trial, that will be fun. I hope Chase can qualify each time. Which brings me back to priority 1, training Chase!

My goodness.. when I actually think I might have all three of these things, it makes me sad! But I guess they tend to go hand in hand because they deal with the immune system and good and bad bacteria in my body.

So I had another appointment with my doctor yesterday. Had to drive an hour to get there, again, and an hour back. But it’s worth it because it’s just so nice to have a doctor that sits with me and explains the test results (of tests he didn’t even do) and takes into consideration possibilities that main-stream doctors just chuck out the door or laugh at.

So anyway on my Western Blot I got from my regular family doctor close to my house, which was done by LabCorp (Burlington lab location), I had bands 41 and 23 positive. So I guess band 41 is kinda generic and can suggest antibodies for various things not just Lyme. But band 23 is more important. It’s the IgG P23 band that is present… though I’m not sure the difference between the IgG and the IgM I need to read more about that.

Also, my Epstein Barr Virus test, EBV, came back with positives all over it. Granted this test is from April, and I just got copies of them now… but it’s interesting to see all the antibodies I have that are produced against EBV… aka Mono. I wonder what the test results would look like now.

The doctor is still thinking I have Candida too. And since Lyme is also a possibility, he’s treating me for Candida, with the Diflucan, and I’m to remain on that. He’s also treating me with antibiotics. I have to get that prescription filled, I forgot it at work last night and didn’t want to come back. I’m also still on probiotics and the Candida diet. The diet isn’t so bad anymore… I’m getting used to it, my sugar cravings are gone, though I still like to eat every couple hours whenever I get hungry. I eat just enough to fill myself up then I’m fine for awhile again. I’m also going to be on diet supplements… well, a multivitamin, that is. Which will be good. I got some free samples from his office that I’m going to try out.

He also gave me a Vitamin B shot… B6 and B12. He said that could make me feel better quickly. I do feel a bit better than I did yesterday… but not like a miraculous better or anything. I still think I’m maybe 20% or 25% better than I used to be.

My neck still hurts and cracks, it was the thing that started this pain cycle off a year and a half ago… actually, two years ago. So as I get better I hope that pain will go away, as well as my fatigue and sore throat and stuffy nose. I’m really tired of breathing out of my mouth every night. Ugh. And I’m really tired of feeling like crap. I do, I think, feel better than I have in many months, so that is a good thing.