Luna Tail

I was doing agility all weekend so was busy and didn’t have time to get onto the computer much. But it’s over now and I had a great time. Levi got two qualifying runs woo hoo. You can read more about it on my other blog, Tip Tail, to find out more about my collie agility. Though it’d be nice to have theater seating in a home theater to view the video!

Anyway, I’m totally convinced that this Zoloft is working. I was sitting with people at the trial and chatting and I was relaxed. It didn’t even occur to me to be anxious, or wonder what they were thinking of me. It was great! I would think about it occasionally like an after thought, but I was not obsessed by it.

I just got Daniel Amen’s audio CD in the mail about Anxiety and Depression. He thinks that they are both because of brains that do not function in a healthy way. And he has ways of measuring this. I’m fascinated already and I’m only on the first disc. I am convinced, now, that my brain is just wonky. I’m glad that the first drug I tried works for me.

I am, now, actually proud of myself that I’ve gotten help. Screw the world’s stigma about mental illness. Bah. It’s real.

Ugh, I’m tired. After cleaning out that room yesterday I was completely tired last night. And today was run around day for myself and my husband. We went to church this morning (yuck - I haven’t been for over 10 years, I don’t believe in organized religion) because the husband’s Dad and StepMom are going on a Mormon Mission for a year and a half. So we went, I knitted, and we listened. It actually wasn’t too bad. The feeling in the church was very happy and pleasant and loving. People love community like that. I like it sometimes, but I prefer my quiet time at home with my family, human and canine.

I was quite chatty and relaxed at the family gathering that came afterwards. The Zoloft helps me so much. It’s amazing. I would usually be stressed and anxious, my SA kicks in big time. But I wasn’t bad at all. I ate too much, too much dessert especially, and was glad to leave when we were done, but I wasn’t so anxious that my voice went monotone like it has in the past.

Then we went to Coscto shopping, then we went to the husband’s work because he had to do something, then we came home for a bit. Then we went to my sister’s because it’s her birthday today. Happy Birthday Sister! And then we went back by Costco because the shorts we’d bought my husband were too small (I told him he’d gained weight lol), then we went to Smiths so I could make healthy food tomorrow, and then we finally came home.

Then I fed the dogs, and gave them all bully sticks. They are happily chewing, while I get to sit and relax and blog a little bit, then watch the 4400! Woo Hoo.

Oh and I bought new sheets for the spare bedroom. I’ll have to take pics, because they are doggie sheet and I couldn’t resist! Got them at Costco, too.

I’ve been thinking the last couple of weeks about this Zoloft that I started taking. I’ve been one of those who live in denial that meds can really help… rather I’ve wanted to believe that cognitive therapy is a solution, and that we can really get better by learning to think better and understand ourselves and work things out.

My thought was… how can so many people be mentally ill and need medication to help normalize them? So many people…? Okay now it sounds kinda dumb when I write it. But I countered myself a few days ago, thinking… how can it be that so many people have cancer, or so many people have diabetes…? I mean, they can’t get better with therapy. They need meds. So maybe there are so many people who have mental weirdness and need medication to help. And maybe I am one of those people.

The Zoloft has helped tremendously. When my husband and I were driving home from dropping Sammy off last night, I told him that I’m anxious but not overly so like I used to be. He said that is how normal people feel. And I was like oh… really? Well then, so now maybe I’m normal.
So just like the zillions of diabetics who need insulin, maybe I’m one of the zillions who need Zoloft for anxiety. Because my brain really is wonky and there’s no way to get myself normal otherwise.

But my pessimistic side still comes through… are the drug companies and doctors just selling us this stuff to make money off us? But it is helping… so I guess I just have to go by what I feel. And not what I used to think.

I don’t know how many readers I have, yet, that suffer from anxiety like I do. Mainly social anxiety, but also generalized anxiety. I also have PTSD, about driving, but I’ve got that one mostly under control. I think. I can’t drive in the weather anymore, but it’s probably not good to drive in the snow storms anyway.

So, my therapist has actually told me that I probably need to be on Zoloft for the rest of my life. Because, basically, my brain is wonky. Ugh.

Well, I don’t want to be on it for the rest of my life. First off, I can’t sleep all that well anymore. However, I love not having an appetite. And as a matter of fact, when I’d get really anxious at home doing house work, I would feel a nagging hunger. At least it felt like hunger, but eating didn’t really get rid of it. Sitting down and relaxing pretty much did, though.

I don’t really believe in medication. In almost the next breath, my therapist said that so many meds are sold (for hypertension etc) which might only be because the pill companies want to make money.

So which is it? Is my brain wonky or are the drug companies wanting to make lots of money? Can we really know?

Does the Zoloft help me? Yes, it does. However, I’d rather retrain myself so that I don’t need it, eventually. I mean.. 200 years ago people had the same wonky brains, didn’t they? And they functioned… they lived okay. There were no meds. Is it our society that’s screwing us up? Have humans always been messed up and we just are realizing it now?

My true belief is that eventually, in a hundred years or more, we’ll find out that these drugs aren’t really good for us. They may even be harmful. There will be other options. What they will be, I don’t know. And for now we may be doing something akin to x-raying our feet at the shoe store to find our correct size (yes, they did really do that years ago). But what are we to do? Maybe I need more research. I reasearched extensively on PMS and hormones, maybe I need to do the same with this. Though I’m tired, and lazy now, and my anxiety comes up when I research anxiety. Catch-22, I guess.

*sigh*

Well, I’m jumping on the bandwagon. I started Zoloft yesterday. My red demon is around me, and I’m getting nervous talking about it. I’m only on 25mg a day for 7 days, then will slowly increase.

Wish me luck.