Luna Tail

Well this morning I gave a training class at work. I have to admit, it makes me feel responsible. Like I’m getting something done. And I will admit, too, that I’m rather proud of myself. There were ten people in the class, and I was only a little nervous.

A couple of years ago, and before the Zoloft, I would have been a wreck. Thank the gods for drugs.

And I also know the subject matter a lot more than I did just a year ago. Which definitely helps me. I didn’t even have to go in overly prepared like I did the first time I gave the training. I’m a programmer, not an accountant… so I ask the accountants, the students, what they want, and I can, pretty much, put something together.

So yup, I feel responsible, mature, and proud of myself that I can give a training class. Really, I never thought I’d be able to.

I’m going to Colorado tomorrow morning, too, so this might be my last post for the weekend. No Hilton Head rental for me, though, I’m staying at the cheap Motel in Colorado to do dog agility!

Back pain officially sucks. Not only does my back (still) hurt, my entire outlook on life is in the dumps. I’m cranky. I’m tired. And i’m just sore.

I’m better… mind… a little bit. What I’ve been doing has helped. Not sure if the Arnica has helped.. but I’m still trying it. The Topricin does help, and it feels good all over, my neck, back, and my ankle that is still sprained and may be through all this year until dog sport season calms down again.

I’m still sleeping on the couch. Last night Tatum was by my feet for a while, and Muffit jumped up by my belly. Muffit stayed there all night. He is so small, he doesn’t take up much space. Then Levi had enough of being alone on the bed so came and whined at me. I put him up by my head… and that boy is not small. But we snuggled together and fell asleep and were comfy.

I do love my dogs.

Well I’ve not taken any Trazodone for.. what.. four days now? Five? Maybe three? LOL I’ll have to look at my blog to find out because I have a rotten memory.

And while I feel lighter and my temperature feels cooler, my head still hurts quite a bit and I’ve been grumpy as hell for the last couple of days. Am I going through withdrawals? Maybe I shouldn’t have stopped cold turkey. Maybe I should go do some research about it on the internet. Hrm.. Maybe I should have done this a few days ago.

I have a low level anger, but it’s nothing like before I was on the Sertraline (I’m still on that, btw). But at the same time I don’t really care much about things. I can stare out the window and watch the clouds, which I love to do, and have the day pass more slowly, which I also love. I try to grab every minute of every day as it comes, because time just goes by way too fast anymore.

So I do feel better. If only my head would stop feeling like it’s 3 times the size it’s supposed to be. And I’m still tired, though not as badly as I was before. It’s 4:33 pm.. too late in the afternoon to take a nap? Maybe not. Maybe I will take a nap. I took one yesterday, and I felt better. I just love naps.

EDIT: Well, from the web, some places say Trazodone is not addictive and so you can’t have withdrawals. But many people seem to have withdrawals anyway. So I’m going to say yup, I’m having withdrawals from Trazodone and call it good. And I only stopped on the 22nd of Feb, so that’s only three days ago. The days have been going by so nice and slowly, and I am very happy with that!

Hopefully by this next weekend I’ll feel better.

Hrm.. our Christmas tree is still loosing needles. We are trying to keep it watered, but we kinda slack off once in a while. So it is probably drying out.

We have no other Christmas decorations this year. I attribute it to the Zoloft… and my lack of emotion and thrill of the holiday season. I do love Christmas. It’s going by so fast. And I seem to have so little time. Even this coming weekend, that was going to be a slow weekend for me, is turning out to be busier than I had wanted. Ugh.

Oh well… back to life…

You know, since I started taking Sertraline back in April, I stopped really having major highs. Which is okay, I said all my life I’d given up the highs if I could get rid of the awful lows. And it finally happened and that makes me very happy.

However, I wonder now if I just don’t care enough. I don’t give a crap about much anymore, seriously. I do think I’m better than I used to be. I prefer this to how I was. And I am logical enough to know if I go too far with not caring enough. And I do still care, don’t get me wrong. I care about my dogs and my husband and my job and my friends and my family.

So what am I trying to say here? Ha ha, I dunno. Maybe I’m just fine. OH I remember! There I go, finally remembering.

I am not watching what I eat as much as I need to. I go out to eat at lunch with my friends at work too much, and have too many things with too many calories. I know the pounds are coming back. And I can’t jog now, because of my stupid ankle. But seriously, I just have to watch the food, that is more important than exercising to my body.

When I start something, I get OCD about it. Or I used to, anyway. Obsessive Compulsive. That is how I dropped 20 pounds to begin with. I get all gung-ho and obsessed by it. Well, my OCD is gone. I think it’s almost completely wiped out now. Which is, again, a good thing. But now I have to learn how to live, and do things I want to do, without getting obsessive about them.

A whole new learning curve. Oh joy. Just want I wanted… not!
It’s always something, isn’t it?

(Now I have to go through my post and correct my spelling, my acrylic nails really cause me a ton of typos. I type the letter ‘n’ once for every word.)

Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever had pain pills that made this much of a difference. And these aren’t even pain pills, per se. Instead they are Ibuprofen 800s. But they have worn off, and I’m sitting here with my foot up and it’s just throbbing.

I took a pill a few minutes ago and as soon as it kicks in I expect to feel much better. There is a thing about pain, though. It can be good, because it makes you rest when you should. When the pill was active I was thinking how much better I felt and how maybe I could go to obedience tomorrow… but now I realize that no, I can’t, I need to rest it still for a while.

Why is it that being in pain makes it so hard to concentrate on other things. Actually, I’m sitting here catching up on TV shows from the last week, which helps, but still my ankle hurts like a bugger. It’s elevated, and iced, and I have Ibuprofen 800s in me. I went to the doctor. Got crutches and a gel cast and told it’s not broken. But still it is throbbing and I’m having a hard time doing anything but sitting here watching TV and hurting.

I hate pain. I would be miserable if I ever had to give birth, which I hope will not happen. It’s the outside of my ankle. And the doc said sprains can hurt worse than breaks, and take longer to heal, too. Joy. I guess I’ll be out of it for a while.

I have discovered the personal experience of actually having patience and moving slower through time. Thanks to my meds, I can now do things and actually experience them, instead of rushing through and trying only to avoid my anxiety.

It’s pretty amazing. I never experienced this before. And I think it’s something that you can’t really understand until you experience it. And yes, I am enjoying it, and appreciating it, very much!

I can talk to people and be fairly calm. I do still have anxiety, don’t get me wrong. And sometimes I don’t know if I’m feeling hunger or anxiety.

But now I can cut up liver for the dogs’ treats and remain calm. I can actually read instructions when putting something together and try to figure it out, instead of getting frustrated and giving up.

Recently I’ve been starting to wear eye makeup. I have never had the patience before. Makeup and Hair were horrible for me and filled with tons of anxiety. Taking the time, and having the patience, to actually learn how to apply makeup was something I was not capable of doing.

And so now I’m trying to learn how to wear eye makeup. I have no idea. My eyelashes, as I posted about before, are light and thin and blond. And they point in toward my nose. And they my eyes are so pale I’d like to bring them out more, once in a while. Not be a slave to makeup, never a slave to it, but I’d like to know how to wear it.

So now I want to find myself an eye makeup tutorial with photos. Yes, I’m 40, and yes maybe I should have learned this 20 years ago. But I never did. So I want to learn it now! Anyone know of any good eyeliner and mascara tutorials? Do I have to wear eyeshadow to, if I wear eyeliner and mascara?

So much to learn…

I just have to say that I love my Zoloft. It’s amazing. I never have had this much patience before in my life. I can go shopping for modern office furniture, and household furniture, and actually say what I want and express my concerns.

This morning coming in on the shuttle to work, I actually asked the driver to turn on the air conditioning. It took some effort on my part, though. I was nervous about it. Thinking I could sit there and suffer and it wasn’t too long a ride… but then I got up the guts and I asked. That is a huge thing for me.

I have so much more patience now, I’m amazed. And I can even sit and just relax, which is weird.

For my whole entire life I have always felt rushed and stressed, and still it is a very odd feeling to try to be at peace. I don’t really know how. It’s a foreign feeling to me. I like it, though, and I’m learning to accept it. My doc said I should be on Zoloft for life and that is just fine by me. I’m really liking these changes! Of course my anxiety is not 100% gone, but probably about 70% gone.