Luna Tail

Fitting in with people is, to put it lightly, hard. When I was younger I used to think I could get along with just about anyone. As I get older, I am pickier, and I think I maybe I can tolerate anyone. But sometimes it’s just hard!

I missed out on a lot of social development when I was in my early 20s. Due to being filled with anxiety and fear and a lack of self confidence, I really didn’t develop friendships or learn how to keep friends. Grade School and High School didn’t help, either. Grade School I had the most awful ‘friends’, and in Jr. High one day one of my ‘friends’ decided to stop talking to me. So suddenly, mortified and humiliated, I was alone and friendless.

In my 20s I jumped from emotionally unstable man to emotionally unstable man until my divorce when I realized I needed to figure out what was going on with me, and why I was choosing such men. And yes, it was me, choosing such men. It wasn’t that all men are bad or awful. It’s that boy.. can I pick ‘em.

Anyway, so now that I’m much more comfortable with myself and confident, I’m being more social. But that is hard, too. And I don’t want to be clicky or snobby, but I am finding that some people I fit with better than others. Is that clicky? I don’t know. I think, though, it’s normal.

And so now, beginning my 40s, I’m trying to find out how to tell those I like and that I fit with, that I want to spend time with them. And tell those I don’t really fit with very well, to tell them that I don’t really want to spend time with them. Of course I can’t come out and say these things, it’s not socially acceptable… is it? And so I try to say it with actions.. and lately I’ve been screwing that up. But this subtlety escapes me and I’m trying to learn all the trickiness of how this works.

Without, of course, feeling hurt myself.. which I don’t do, because if someone doesn’t want to spend time with me, more power to ‘em I say. But I don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings. And I hope they will have the same attitude, more power to everyone else.

An old friend of mine, her mother used to say, “there’s no pot so crooked that a lid won’t fit.” So really, everyone will find people they fit with, right?

Ugh.. it’s just hard.
What do you do… how do you give clues to people you want to spend time with them, or you don’t?

I find it interesting that us humans celebrate with food. We reward ourselves with food when something good happens. We comfort ourselves with food when something bad happens. I could so easily be 500 pounds. I love food. I love the feel of it in my mouth. The tastes and flavors can be so intense that really I do think it’s a kind of drug. And different food can make us feel, physically, different ways too.

Last night we went to the Melting Pot for our team’s Christmas Dinner. We pay for it ourselves, working for the State means we don’t get many things given to us. We are lucky to get four hours of administrative leave from the Governor. That’s about all we get. No bonus, nothing else. Anyway, I digress…

As I was eating all that yummy cheese fondue appetizer and the chocolate fondue dessert, I knew I was abusing my poor body. I also had two grasshoppers (the new bartender didn’t know how to make them, welcome to Utah) a White Russian, a Kahlua and Cream and a dessert drink called a Chocolate Martini that was to die for.

Today my body feels amazingly good. I am fortunate to have a fairly healthy body, though lately I’ve been feeling awful off and on. This morning I feel pretty good. And today I’ll be sticking with my fruit and soy smoothie and salads all day, to detox some and clean out my body. I joined Weight Watchers and it is helping a lot. But Christmas is hard because of all the celebrating with food. If I can just maintain over the holidays then drop after, I’ll be happy. I am now at 157lbs, and I want to get down to 147 again. That was a great weight for me.

Weight Watchers is nice because instead of eating mostly vegetables like on Eat To Live, I can even eat movie popcorn sometimes and as long as it’s within my daily points, I’m good!

I received my first letter from my inmate pen pal yesterday. She sounds very nice and she is working in one of those dog programs they have set up for prisoners and service dogs. That is awesome, I’m so glad they have those programs. I am not a big fan of our prison systems… they do not seem, to me, to be rehab oriented. Just remove the people from society. And I don’t have a large faith in our legal system, either. And I think drugs should just be legalized. At least soft drugs like marijuana.

But anyway, I wrote back already, gonna send some pictures of the dogs. Not everyone has seen smooth collies. And I do like to show them off. LOL.

I gotta look up these prison dog programs on the web.

Well, I sent off my first letter to a prisoner last night. Went and got a PO Box for a bit of anonymity and typed up the letter, printed it, and mailed it.

I’ve wanted to do this for many years. I found someone on Write A Prisoner. I had wanted to be completely anonymous and do it through an email account, but that seems to be impossible at this point.

She’s young, but we had some things in common so I thought it would be a good start. I hope I don’t get murdered or something now.. I do worry about that a bit. But I do think I watch too many crime shows like CSI and Law and Order, and too many murder mysteries. So hopefully this is just a normal world thing and it will work out good.

Many of the men and women are looking for romance, I hope they will take a friend pen pal instead. No romance for me, I save that for my husband.

I know I am blogging a lot today but I’m not sure how much I’ll be able to do in the next few days so I’m getting it all in in one burst. LOL. Anyway, I’ve been wondering lately about those pen pal programs where you correspond with an inmate. Has anyone ever done that? Is it safe? Or is it a bad idea? I wouldn’t want anyone to know my real address, or even my real name, really. But I think it’d be a nice thing to do.

I wrote to my ex’s friend in prison for a while, but I don’t know where or how anymore, and it just might not be a good idea now. So I was thinking maybe I could look into one of the programs. But I don’t want anyone dangerous, or anyone to come after me! And I don’t want to visit anyone, either.

And I’ve been eating pretty poorly while on vacation. Why is vacation, to me, an excuse to eat badly? The grapes I bought today are not very good, but they are wet and they feel good in my tummy. Maybe hydroxycut would help me…. I need to drop these 10 or 15 pounds. Ugh.

I am in such a good mood today. I am appreciating all of my friends. I am so lucky, and I appreciate all of them so much, they don’t even realize. And I’m so glad I’m not letting people treat me like crap anymore. There was an incident at the tournament with another team, tears and yelling, and I was just thinking to myself how I love my team, Thunder Paws flyball!

Sitting in the hotel room, working, having it be quiet and different, is really helping me to relax. I am having a very nice time here. I wonder if they sell Wicked tickets in Las Vegas because I love seeing the shows here. Though I haven’t seen many, I would like to see more.

Not this week, though. This week is vegetable week!

At the agility trial last weekend I had some help. It was super nice to have someone film for me! I need a personal assistant at the trials. Someone who can exercise the dogs, potty the dogs, bring me food, and video me and others. That would be so nice! LOL.

Anyway, this is Madeline. It’s a short 21 second video. I asked her if she wanted to be an actress and she said yes. She’ll be 12 in October.

Well, my party is over. It lasted about four hours, which I think is a pretty good long party. It was fun. I was nervous. But now I’m even more nervous. After the fact I get totally anxiety, thinking how did I do? Was I a dork, a nerd, a jerk? I tried to be very social. I was able to flip the switch and relax and be social.

So I think it went well. My Mom and Dad did a ton of work and I really appreciate it. They throw a great party. And my sister helped a ton, too, which I also appreciate!

It was fun, and I am dead tired. Gonna watch SG1 that I recorded then get to bed.

Well, tomorrow is my 40th birthday party. I’m nervous! I haven’t had a birthday party since I was about ten. And my SA is going to kick in. But the Zoloft will help. My husband says I’ve seemed much more relaxed lately, so that is a good thing.

I’m inviting over 40 people. Wow! I didn’t know I knew so many. That includes my family and my husband’s family. And my coworkers and agility friends. I really am so excited that I know so many great people!

I’ve been manic today. Totally flying. Having 3 cups of caffeinated coffee at lunch didn’t help. Usually I drink decaf but I wanted to try their good stuff. So I’ve been buzzing all afternoon. I think I’m calming down now. I was so chatty at lunch it was just weird. Ugh.

Well I have a therapy appointment tomorrow morning, then going over to my parents around noon to help set up the last minute things. Should be fun! I’m nervous as hell!

Okay, I’m back from Dog Camp. Oh my gosh, it was amazing. Wonderful. The most fun I’ve had in a long time. My dogs were so tired and so sore afterwards they slept for days. My border collie’s feet were so worn down and raw from the sand and the running. But he had fun and he healed up just fine when we got back. I didn’t want to hold him back, I thought he can still have fun and rest when we get home. My collie also had a great time, though didn’t run amok quite as much. He was tired and happy at the end too.

The most important part was… I made a friend. I don’t think that has happened for… more years than I can remember. I met a girl and she was great, and we just clicked. We chatted and too into account what the other was doing so we could do things together. We ate meals together like we’d been friends for years. I kept my SA in check and no one even knew I had it.

I surprised myself.

I think I did so good because I knew it was temporary, and these folk wouldn’t really get to know me to find out anything bad about me and stop liking me. But then… making a new friend means we will keep in touch, right? And we are. Emails, and she even called me! Wow, that was fun. It makes me terrible nervous at the same time, but it makes me happy, too.

I really don’t know the rules of friends… how often you talk, or what you do together, or what is okay to talk about… and is it okay to look for your friend in a crowd to hang out with them. I really had to consciously think about these things. I haven’t had a good girlfriend since High School. Oh sure I have some I hang out with at work… but it’s kinda awkward sometimes. I don’t even know why. Except that maybe because I’m always afraid she’s going to find something in me that is rotten and she won’t like. Or she’ll really know how much I don’t know… and it’ll end up badly.

I dunno. Anyway, having a new friend is wonderful. I feel really really good about it!