Luna Tail

I am better today… the anxiety is less thank the gods. And today is, finally, Day One, which always makes life more pleasant. And I did have fun yesterday participating in Wordless Wednesday. Maybe tomorrow I’ll do a Friday Meme, too. I enjoy checking out the other sites and seeing what they have to post and say.

My anxiety comes in the evenings mostly, before bed. During the day… it’s like being an adult and being a child. When I was a child I didn’t have a choice about how I was treated or what my world was like. Now that I am an adult I do. In the evenings I don’t seem to be in control of my emotions as much, and I am not in control of my dreams at all. During the day I can be more like an adult and have more control on what I do.

So.. working today, blogging today, going home to watch Mona Lisa Smile with the husband. I wish I could get the Netflix widget to work on this blog.

I’m having major anxiety right now. It usually happens now, just before sleep. As I lie in bed waiting for sleep to take me away. I have to think of a story for myself or else my thoughts go round and round and they are not good thoughts. I am having PMS, it’s Day 27 today so I am at my peak.

I think I am a failure, and I have the most awful feeling of shame and anxiety and humiliation inside of me. It’s not as bad as before I was on the Sertraline, but it can still get pretty bad. I think my job is in trouble, and I wonder what the hell I am doing trying to do collie rescue. Talking to the people is so very stressful for me. Trying to find foster homes. Not sure how to be honest with people and at the same time not having much idea about what I’m really feeling under the anxiety and shame so I can’t express the truth because I don’t know what it is.

And as a physical representation of the anxiety I have a cold sore developing on my lip. It exploded into existence right after I had my navel pierced… that evening, and I was getting nauseous with nerves during and after the piercing. It hurt quite bad and now I am terrified that it’s not going to heal up again like it didn’t last time and that is just going to be the entire end of the whole world and my whole little life.

Writing about this does help, because one of the steps of getting over anxiety is to dispute irrational thoughts. The PMS hormones, the stress of the piercing, the stress of working with someone to foster Tony, my report at work still not working after months, all of this makes me feel like a total failure. But I can sit at home in my quiet and clean house (maids came today) and just be. Just be in the house and try to know that none of these things represent who I truly am. My soul and my spirit are still beautiful even if I am not able to do things and I am not perfect. I can be unperfect and I can have limits and I find those damn limits all the time.

So I am going to sleep now and I know that in the morning I’ll feel better, and in a couple of days my hormones will settle themselves again and I will hopefully be full of myself with confidence.

Today is day 18 and I can already feel the impatience growing. Plus I was overly tired today doing dog things all day long. So I’m going to have to start taking Agnus Castus tomorrow to help me out.

I can’t sleep in my mattress for a few days. I want a cover for it and that is going to be mail order. Water proof. Plus, the foam doesn’t reach it’s full shape for 72 to 96 hours! Ugh. So I should wait until it expands to it’s full size from the roll it has been in for a while.

And I think most of my Christmas shopping is done, though I might get a wireless router for someone I know… won’t say who!

I haven’t had much time to watch all the new shows this week! My DVR is full up with lots of them. As I sit here and read the shows I have recorded, I have CSI Miama, SVU, Cold Case, and How I Met Your Mother.

Instead of sitting on my butt watching TV I should get some fitness advice, but alas, it’s PMS week so all I want to do is sit on my butt and eat and watch TV or knit or play on the computer. Such Fun.

I guess I should record what day it is… it’s day 19, which is just the time to start getting cranky. And I have been feeling pretty awful for the last couple of months… I think I’ll talk more about that tomorrow. Hrmph.

I think I may start to put in what day of my cycle I’m on, in each blog post. When I remember. Which may not be often. When I do, I hope to link to this post so that people will know what the heck I’m talking about.

Today is day number 9. Still doing very well. As a woman I really have to know what day it is, because of how I feel, and I like to know when I’m getting my next period. I don’t like to be surprised. Fortunately I don’t need to know for birth control, as the husband has been snipped.