Luna Tail

Yeah… sometimes I’m too dang nice.  I try to be nice to everyone because when I was a kid, other kids were not nice to me.  And so I really think that everyone should be treated with respect.  I don’t like to bad talk anyone. I don’t like to use a mean tone of voice. I don’t like to put anyone down…

Though sometimes I do rant to my friends. Everyone needs to rant and get things off our chest! Fortunately I have some close friends and my husband to do that with. My husband can be so nasty sometimes, too, that he just makes me laugh! LOL but I won’t say how he’s nasty. He’s not nasty to me, he’s so good to me that sometimes I just have to wonder how I got so lucky.

I’m starting PMS for this month too, again, which sucks. I wish drug rehab would help with PMS… lol, but it does not. Years and year ago I went to the University of Utah PMS Clinic but I didn’t find any relief there. Bleh. I am thinking about going to a doctor on my insurance who does bioidentical hormones… I think those help me a lot. So we’ll see about that. Then maybe I’ll want to be nice again. LOL

Okay well I never like it, of course. But this month I seem very bad. I guess you kinda figured that since I don’t really post about it much unless I’m feeling bad.

I am just so dang clutzy. I tried to take an imprint of Angel’s paw onto a little ornament my sister gave me a bit ago, and dangit, I swear I did a rotten job. My husband says I did just fine but I don’t think so. Bleh, sometimes I don’t know why I even try anything at all when I’m having PMS. I just need to plant my butt in front of the TV and not do anything of any difficulty. Which means do nothing, since everything takes some level of difficulty.

Oh well. I should feel better in a couple of days, I hope. Bleh.

The good thing about today is that I have no responsibilities. I have nothing to do. I can just sit and be a vegetable all day long. Unlike the last couple of months where I had foster dogs and other stressful things to deal with. Oh yeah and the threat of losing my job. However I think the job is okay… or at least I hope so. We have not been worrying about it so much at work for a while now.

Today is Day 26, one of the nasty days.  I was just standing in the bathroom looking in the mirror feeling awful, like I want to cry, like I want to scream and shout and I hate the world and everyone and everything is against me… and I stare at myself and I think no, these feelings are not real. They are a result of a hormone imbalance or my brain misfiring.  It’s odd, to stand there and just feel your emotions and realize they do not reflect reality.

It’s not fair, really. Emotions are supposed to guide us and help us through life, right? But sometimes emotions do the opposite. They set us up for failure and destruction.  They give us the wrong signals… inaccurate signals about our insides and the world around us. Like Corum watches gone bad… a clock giving us the wrong time.

It’s too hard, suffering from Anxiety  or Depression or PMS or PMDD… I don’t know if humans are capable of going from day to day realizing that our emotions are incorrect, they don’t reflect reality, and still feel them and live healthy happy lives.  I wish it were. I don’t think it is.  Other than therapy and drugs and supplements and exercise, I don’t know how else to do it. And I’ve been fighting it for probably twenty years now.\

At least I can know my emotions are unrealistic, and I can go on and also know that in a few days I’ll feel a lot better. For that I am thankful.

Ahhh… yes, here they are.  To be blunt, got my period this morning and I can already feel the hormones equalizing and righting themselves.  It’s an amazing feeling, actually. On my pre-zoloft days I could lay in bed and just feel my body getting better, like pleasant drugs coursing through my body and making me feel better.

The next three or so days I’ll keep equalizing until I’m back to normal and a regular human again.  However I’ll still worry… I have realized that my PMDD was extra bad this month because my job might be in danger. 20 years with the State of Utah… 5 years to retirement, and the legislature might cut so many funds that my position has to be cut. If that happens, I will freak out.

I’ll get any job with the State to reach my five years so I can get my pension and then just retire.  I don’t even care what it is. I can do just about anything, and I’ll go back to the welfare office if I have to. If there are jobs. Which there should be, because so many people will be out of work they’ll be on welfare! Ugh!

Anyway… so I am feeling better, and yet the stress is still there. I long for they day I won’t have to worry anymore!

Stuffed Animals

It’s called premenstrual dysphoric disorder round and about the medical world. And most doctors have no idea how to treat it. In fact, it’s shrouded in rumor and ridicule. It’s sad, because it’s real.

I have it. I have it really bad. I’ve been trying to find ways to fight it my entire life… well, since I was about 24, anyway.  That’s when it started to hit me really bad.  My whole story is under my Cycles tab at the top of this page.  Which, apparently, doesn’t allow comments so I better go and change that.

Anyway, I can’t be on the pill, it makes me feel so much worse. So bad that I really would rather be dead. I have an estrogen dominance, and giving me the pill is giving me more estrogen, which is the last thing my body needs. I need more progesterone and I get this by taking Vitex Agnus Castus. It has helped me more than anything else… well, except the Sertraline I’m taking now, too.  Doctors, especially GYNs, have no idea how to fix me. So after seeing a number of them I stopped. I went to a naturopath and she was okay, but I’d already started on the Progesterone Cream and Agnus Castus and those help a great deal.

However, when I’m stressed or not feeling well, the bad PMS, aka PMDD, hits me hard and I really am not capable of dealing with the world. My anxiety soars.  My feelings of incompetence and my fear of people gets awful.  It’s not rational, but neither is depression. And as bad a stigma depression has, PMS has one that is even worse.

I also have to take magnesium and calcium to help balance me out, and melatonin at night to help me sleep.  I also take some diuretics sometimes on my really bad days. And I take a multivitamin too, to just help out in general.

So that’s me. I’ve been seeking solutions to this for about 20 years. I’ve tried many things. I’m at a point where I have found things that help, but never completely. So I have to deal with life as it comes, and my feelings as they come, too.

Sad Creature

Ugh, I am having a super bad PMS day… err, maybe month. Who knows.  Been stressed about the job and possible layoffs in the State.  I’ve worked for the State of Utah for 20 years now. I can retire in 5, if I can make it that long. I sure hope so.  I’m still one of the lowest paid people, too, which might be a good thing. I dunno.

We also have been doing collie rescue again and I probably shouldn’t. I’m am so unreliable when I’m having PMS. I feel like my entire body is being pricked all over, it’s quite unpleasant. My whole skin just tingles with pricks of pain. My head hurts.  I feel like a complete idiot and that everything I do is wrong. Not only wrong, but is the stupidest thing anyone could ever do in the world.  I want to hid under a rock and not come out for a week.

I feel like no matter what I do, I fail. No matter what I try, nothing works.  I feel tons of anxiety that just seeps into my skin and into my very soul.

It’s hard to describe in words. This little picture is kinda how I feel.  But worse. I just want to go to bed. I get hyper sensitive and my messy house bugs me to no end, but then I feel too miserable to do anything about it. I don’t want to deal with any people, I’m completely phobic of the telephone, and I just want to watch TV and snuggle with the dogs. Oh, and I have zero patience.

I’m on my Zoloft, taking magnesium and calcium. Also taking my Vitex Agnus Castus and Fem-Balance.  But I think the stresses this month are putting me over the top dispite all the meds and herbs.  So here I sit today… going to a friend’s Birthday party tonight though I might not stay long.  I wonder if she’d hate me if I called in sick?  :p  UGH bleh I feel like I’ve been run over by a steam roller. 

Maybe I’ll go and take a nap.

Well, I’m getting ready. I’m about half packed. And I’m about half panicked, too. I don’t know why I’m so nervous. I leave Saturday at 8:20 am… that is when my flight leaves.

I figure I’m nervous mostly because I’m having PMS. It’s day 23 and it’s not a good month, but that’s usual for me. I’m taking my Vitex Agnus Castus, Magnesium, Calcium (to balance the Magnesium) and Fem-Balance, which I’m trying new this month and I’m due for a dose, too. It all helps, but not completely. I still feel like I want to dig a hole in the blankets and hide. I have pretty much stopped emailing again, and there are people I want to email… so I need to get on it. Especially since I won’t get email after I get on the cruise ship. I will try to post to this blog, though. I have BlogDesk installed on my laptop and I hope that’ll minimize online time so I don’t’ crank up a huge bill.

On a down note, I still have my Outback, just paid the car insurance for it and the other cars. I think when I get back from the cruise I’m going to get plates for it (I transferred my personalized plates to my minivan), get a for sale sign for it, and drive it around more. Though that might just make it so I’ll miss it even more when it’s gone. I need to get an ad up on Craigslist too, when I get back.

But that’s for then, not for now. Now I get to try to put more stuff in my suitcase which is already over half full. But first I need to print out my list… I need to get my list so I don’t forget anything! Eeeek!

Okay.. I’m back in the world of the living. I swear my PMS makes me seem like I’m a manic depressive. During PMS I’m down in the dumps, can’t get much lower… (okay I can, it’s all relative) and on the day I get my… you know what, like today, it being Day One, I feel so much happier. More patient… (waaaay more patient) more energized, and I can talk to people without feeling like I’m going to be hated or humiliated at any second.

Bleh. My drugs help, for sure, but I so wish that someone would realize that PMS is very real, and get a cure for the hormonal imbalance that it is. My Vitex Agnus Castus helps, too, so does the progesterone cream, but still, I get pretty yucky.

And… joy of the world, looks like I’ll be getting my… you know, when I’m on my cruise the end of October. Yuck. Not that it’s that big of a deal, really, it’ll just be a pain. Though having PMS on the cruise would be way worse, so I’ll take what I can get.

As for my weight… I’m at 0 loss 0 gain today. I’d lost a pound but it came back. I’ve been so strict! But now that it’s… you know what, my weight should start to drop, too, it usually does. I want to lose 10 pounds for my cruise!!!

I’m posting this from blogdesk, too, and I hope I can use this for when I’m on the cruise as I hear internet time gets pretty expensive. So I gotta make sure this works okay, so I can post pictures and make ya’ll jealous!

I’ve been PMSey all day. And all the last couple of days. Okay the last few days. It’s not nearly as bad as it used to be… Tatum nipped one of my favorite skirts and tore a small hole in it. Well, before-meds I would have probably had a freak attack and yelled and screamed and felt like the world was coming to an end. Well, this time I didn’t. And anyway, I can’t get mad at Tatum. Even though she’s a brat, she’s still too cute and sweet. I never could get mad at Angel, either.

I don’t know what day it is… I thought Friday was day 28, but still nothing, so maybe I marked the date down wrong last time. So I wait, and hope to feel better soon.

Right now I’m craving salt and sugar. Mainly chocolate. I think I’m addicted to sugar and chocolate. I should read up about that. In the evenings I just crave, nasty cravings, I crave chocolate and feel like I’m going to collapse without it! Ugh!

I’ve been having bad PMS this month.. could be because I have missed a couple of days of my sertraline. Or it could be that I’ve been doing too much (yet again) and not giving myself enough down time. Today was nice, I got to sit at work all day. I swear when I retire I’m going to be going full speed all the time and even my down days at home are gonna be weird! But that’s not for a while so I needn’t even think about it!

It’s Day 25, I think. And the closer that number gets to 28, the worse I get. I want to eat everything in sight, mainly chocolate. Premenstrual Syndrome is just no fun at all. My body hurts, I’m grumpy, and sometimes I even feel like my whole life is falling apart. Even though, logically, it is just fine.

Ugh. I need a nap.