Luna Tail

You know you were in a bad car accident when they estimate the damage of the vehicle at over $12,000. GADS. That’s a lot of freakin’ damage. I just found that out today.

Last Friday the shop said my car wasn’t totaled. But today they called again and they have finished estimating the damage. They put it at $12,000. (my rental car probably isn’t worth that much).

I talked to my insurance adjuster, she said if the damage to the vehicle is 80% of the value of the vehicle, they consider it totaled. The damage to my car is 75% the value of it. So Allstate (my insurance) is sending someone down to the shop tomorrow to get their opinion. The adjuster said that it is very possible that the Allstate person will find that it is actually 80% damaged and if so, then it’s totaled.

Oh joy. It freaks me out, still, that the accident was that bad. My poor car. I’m still waffling between wanting a new car, and wanting my old car back. I am liking my insurance company, though. Auto insurance comparisons are helpful too. But the real money is in how the company handles a car wreck.

So maybe I’ll know over the next few days. I guess I can have some serious things going on physically, if the car was hurt that bad. EEEEEeek.

Okay I think I’m finally finding that the Chiropractor isn’t working this time. It did for my groin strain… and it did for my shoulder a year or so ago. But this time, not working. Sometimes I feel a little better, but then sometimes I feel rotten.

Tonight I’m nauseous, I’ve had a rotten headache most of the day (I do NOT get headaches), my neck hurts and is popping, and when I lay flat on my back my left arm goes numb.

I think a lot of this has to do with the accident. Especially the left arm numbness and the headaches. Oh yeah, I’m occasionally dizzy. And I know I wasn’t dizzy before the accident at all. Nor was I nauseous, nor did my left arm go numb. Nor did I get headaches. My neck hurt… and popped, but none of the other things.

So now I have to get up the guts to call the chiropractor, work out the billing, and tell them it’s just not working the way I had hoped. I know it works for other things, and that’s fine, but just not for me right now. I feel guilty, though… the anxiety kicks in. I feel like I’ll piss them off or hurt their feelings or some stupid thing. I hate having to do this. But I’ve got to suck it up and call them in the next couple of days and tell them I’m not going to come back. Dammit, where is my spine!

I want to go to another doctor. Not sure if I should go to an orthopedic doctor, or my family doctor, or maybe a neck and back specialist. I don’t like feeling this way and I want to do something about it. The nausea is really bugging me, so is the dizziness. And the neck pain, of course. And I don’t sleep on my back too often, but I don’t like it that my arm goes numb when I am just laying flat on my back!

So here I go, trying to stiffen up my spine, and do something. Bleh. I just wish all doctors were holograms or computers, then I would be able to face them better! I hate having things wrong with me. I hate admitting that I’m human, and thus I can have weaknesses and am not always strong and completely whole. And I’m older now too, and the body doesn’t bounce back like it once did.

Well, today I went to an agility trial. I had fun.. I wasn’t too excited about it. I have been having one heck of a rotten time getting up early in the mornings lately. And six o’clock comes dang early. I have something in my brain that says there is a big difference between six o’clock and seven o’clock. Seven isn’t so bad, Six is awful! Eight is even better.

Anyway… I was sitting in the ring today setting jump bars, and it’s a USDAA trial so I’m not as familiar with when to set the triple and double and table… and I’d set something and the judge, who was really on top of things, went and reset my stuff a couple of times because I didn’t get it right.

Well, my old anxiety kicks in, I feel like an idiot, I think everyone is going to hate me and think I’m stupid… and so I had to sit there with myself for a while and try to understand why I’m feeling this. Because most of the time at trials, even when I make a mistake, I don’t feel that anymore.

So I remembered yesterday and how I wasn’t feeling good all day. And I haven’t been feeling good most of the week. It could be the Isagenix… but I doubt it. I’m done with my 9 day cleanse and it went well. But I really think that I’m thrown off because of the car accident. And I have been having these rotten headaches, i have one again now, and they just don’t want to go away. Bah. I hate headaches.

So I think there is something going on with me still, be it the accident or be it just that I’m stressed and not feeling well. It’s only Day six today, so I’m in a good place hormonally. Maybe I am catching a cold… maybe I’m in a summer funk and I could use a change of weather. But I really don’t want it to get cold. I like the summer!

Tomorrow I’m getting up kinda early again, but not as early. Only about 7:30 so that’ll be good. Going to practice obedience in the morning, then come home and maybe I’ll just go back to bed. I am tired of pushing myself to the edge… I’d rather take care of myself and slow down and relax. If my body and mind are telling me to slow down, then I’m gonna slow down.

Heck, I like being slow and relaxed, so that’s what I’m gonna do!

I’m having a rotten time of it this time. The last two rollovers I recovered from pretty quickly, I think. And the time we hit the whole freakin’ herd of deer. Even though we had all the dogs in the car that time, and the trailer behind us. Good Crap. My poor unlucky car. I never got in a wreck with my 1990 Toyota Pickup. Maybe I need another one of those.

I’ve been Entresurfing a bit using their new Entrebar. Nice thing that is. Keeps me from thinking. I want to go home and read my book some more. I’m actually reading a real live book. I haven’t done that in a long time. I’ve been listening too books on CD but I thought a real reading book would be nice for a change. It’s a Robin McKinley book, and I do love her. Dragonhaven. Started off pretty slow but it’s good now and I want to go see how it works out!

So now I get to force myself to drive home… I’m going to get a rental car tomorrow. Oh joy. I hate rental cars. I have no bond with them.

Ugh… I woke up this morning and it was just so hard to wake up. My head felt thick and heavy. My neck hurt a bit, and all my muscles were tense.

I’m thinking the Zoloft is really finally having an affect on me, and it’s bugging me. Yup… takes me about a year to get used to something new and then really try to understand it. Okay I know, so I’m slow!

The Zoloft makes me a bit foggy in the head. I can’t concentrate as much, I can’t have those nice things I am not even going to talk about… my emotions are just not as sharp as they used to be. Yeah.. the anxiety and the PMS are a ton less, but I think I’m entering the phase where I think, if I stopped taking the meds, I’d be okay and I’d still be able to handle life.

So I guess it’s time to go and talk to the shrink. Maybe I can reduce my dosage a bit. I don’t like having no motivation during the day. And at night, sleeping with all my muscles so tense that my back and neck just hurt all day long.

Once I get up and get into a routine I’m better. But if I don’t have a goal, I’m kinda mush. And then I wonder if maybe I’m catching a cold, or if it’s emotional? I sometimes just don’t know what I feel.

Two things you might hear a lot about if you are in the dog training world are Frustration Tolerance and Impulse Control. Dogs have to learn these things in order to be trained well, and to function in a human based world. Even wild animals learn both of things at a very young age.

I think both of these things translate well in the human world, too. I’ve been thinking about Impulse Control a lot lately. Mainly in the area of eating. I am pretty sure I’m addicted to sugar. And chocolate. And probably salt. I love them all and can eat them all day long.

I get major cravings in the evenings for sugar and chocolate. And usually I give in. Eating right is not only about choosing the right foods. I think a huge part of it is emotionally based, and not giving in to those cravings, and learning about that impulse control. Just because we feel something, either emotionally or physically, giving into it and doing it is not always the best thing!

Sometimes it is. Sometimes we need to follow our gut. But usually in the area of eating, in our society, in our day and age, it’s not. Following the gut, or filling the gut, isn’t a good thing! Eating less, eating healthier, helps us feel better in the long run, and live longer too! And when we lose weight, we can all win trophies for ourselves!

I really am unable, it seems, to stop eating food that is in front of me. In example, I ate a frozen dinner today for lunch… easy to prepare and it’s a limited amount. Ate it all. Then I got the munchies, which I often do. And usually I get the munchies for something sweet or salty. Usually sweet like chocolate. But I’m trying to be good, and I figure every little choice where I’m good helps, even if it’s just a little, so I pulled out the 1lb bag of baby carrots I brought.

Sitting at my desk working… focusing on the computer, and before I know it the whole bag is gone! Well, the plastic remains, I don’t eat that. LOL. But I eat every bit in the bag. It’s not like I can eat a few then put it away. I eat ‘em all, even if, when I’m done, I feel a bit sick.

I think my eating has a huge tie with my anxiety. Especially now… this time of the month, it’s Day 22. I feel more anxiety and so I eat because I want to make the anxiety go away.

It amazes me at how powerful the feeling… the taste, of food is in the mouth. It is so intense… sweet or salt or sour. It’s like the mouth, I swear, should be our major sexual organ since it’s so sensitive and we are sticking food in it all day long. At least three times a day. I can so understand why people have such a hard time with food and eating. Why it can become such an addiction, or avoidance. It’s intense and extreme. I’m dang lucky for the metabolism I have, or I’d probably be 500 pounds easy.

Anyway, so it’s been hard for me lately, and going out to eat with tons of food on my plate is very hard for me to avoid. Maybe I just need to section a bit off and only eat that. But I’m not sure I’d be able to do that, either. Hrmph.

Gads… anxiety city. Yuck. I went to the Chiropractor today and spent three hours there. Well, I guess two and a half, but still. While I was there it wasn’t a big deal. He is a N.U.C.C.A. Chiropractor. He was recommended by a friend.

Unfortunately, my insurance probably won’t cover it. So it could end up being expensive. And the two and a half hours just frazzled me. They took a lot of x-rays to see where I’m off, and then he adjusted me accordingly. My neck isn’t too bad but it’s bad enough to be causing me a whole bunch of nasty neck and back pain. And I do have to admit to myself how badly it has been hurting. Popping and cracking and I can hardly bend over at my back.

But still, if I didn’t have my sertraline as a crutch, I think I’d be a mess. I feel like I want to crawl in a hole. Why all the anxiety about this? Well, it’s a different place, for one. And for another I hate admitting that I feel bad physically. And third, the money is freaking me out, too. We don’t have that much how with my Husband not working, so we have to be tight. Plus Lucy might have a blockage and might need surgery. I need to redo my budgeting and planning in order to make sure we can pay all the bills.

Gads, it all happens at once. I’m just glad that right now and for the next couple weeks I don’t have any dog trials going on. So I can try to relax and take it easy.

And as for the anxiety, sometimes it’s just there, and doesn’t have a logical reason. Even though it’s probably driven by my own thoughts in my head that I don’t even recognize are there, sometimes I think it’s emotion pure and simple and I just need to be okay with myself.

Had some anxiety going on today… performance anxiety maybe I can call it? LOL. Agility trial, and it was teams, and we didn’t do very well. I think teaming up with someone I didn’t know made me really feel the pressure. I don’t know if I’m going to do the teams thing in August when it’s offered again.

I don’t like it when someone else depends on me… oh yeah, well, it wasn’t too big a deal because if my partner was serious about qualifying, he would have been more picky about his partner. But still, I feel like I failed, and the anxiety is high, and I feel pretty humiliated and idiotic.

So time to look up a travel guide and head out of town… at least that is what I want to do, or buy my head in the sand, or hide in a closet, or just not go tomorrow! But I’ll feel better tomorrow. Or at least I hope so.

I’ve been thinking lately… that I think too much. This morning I got up and was planning to go jogging with the border collies. And while I’m in bed I start to weight the pros and cons of jogging… how nice and comfy and warm it is in bed, how it’s raining outside, but how it will be so good for the boys and healthy for me too… back and forth I go in my head thinking of what I want to do.

Then I just said to myself, quit it! Stop thinking so much! I know that jogging makes for a healthier me and healthier border collies. The Boys, Chase and Muffit, have so much energy they really need to work it off. And so I just decided that I really needed to stop thinking so much and go!

So I got up and went. The boys loved it, of course. While I was out there, again I kept thinking too much… about how far will I go, the rain is cold and unpleasant… and I had to shut myself up again and just do. Just be. Stop thinking.

And I have to be happy with myself, too. Happy with my body, happy with my skills, happy with my weight and not look at a list of best diet pills that might help me lower my appetite…

I just need to be. And do. And not think so much.