Luna Tail

So today is my first day working again. I’m working from home (taking a break lol) and getting some things done. I just hate working after being sick. I feel worthless, like an idiot, and terribly guilty about being sick.

Plus, this sick just does not want to go away and I’m really afraid it’s going to come back again, with a vengeance, like it has in the past. Doctor appt is June 15th. Maybe they can see me sooner, though. I’m on their cancellation list so we’ll see.

Anyway, along with the guilt, I feel like I’m not good enough, not smart enough, takes me too long to find answers to problems, and I just want to run under a rock and hide.

I guess the answer to this is to just do my best and work all week as hard as I can. Though stress and shame usually activate my avoidance patterns instead of my work hard patterns.

Oh on a good note, just got a call from the doc! They can get me in on the 10th now, instead of the 15th. Yay! It’s not much, but it’s closer to the present!

Okay maybe not, but it’s really how I feel.  I know it’s based on my anxiety that I’ve had all my life.  But still, people don’t call me back!

I’m waiting to hear from a breeder about.. well, nevermind!  I can’t talk about that! he he. And also the lady who does my nails, I haven’t heard from her in a long time. I called her twice last week and she hasn’t called me back. Darnit! My nails are in desparate need of a fill. I guess I could go someplace else but it’s so hard to find a good nail person!

So I think these people are avoiding me… did I piss them off? I really hope not! I have to have better self esteem!

Well, I wish it did, anyway. I’m just back from a three day agility trial… well, it was local, so I didn’t really go anywhere, but I’m home finally. The days were long and I am very tired. We had fun though, me and the dogs. Chase did great, Levi had fun, and Tatum got some fun work in too. It was up in Farmington Utah, not Westgate.. not sure there is a Westgate around here anyway!

Oh, where was I…? Anxiety is cured by chocolate?  Well, not really.  However, I get anxiety when I’m doing the dogs sports. Probably because there are so many people around.  And in order to handle it, I eat. I have a really hard time staying away from the treat table. I snack on sugar and chocolate mostly. I think it helps to keep the anxiety at bay. Probably I am addicted to the sugar, too, which is probably a bad thing. I think the taste of the chocolate in my mouth, as well as the sugar rush, pushes the anxiety back so I can’t feel it as much.  Self-medicating…?  Probably.

So I ate way too much chocolate and candy this weekend, once again. Bleh.  Well, we’ll see how my weight turns out tomorrow. Not sure it’ll be down at all.  I hope so… I’ll be good again this coming week, and the next few, because I won’t be at a trial or tournament with food all over the place to much on constantly.  I did move a lot this weekend, and so I’m dead tired… but I don’t think I moved enough to burn off all the sugar I ate.

The good thing about today is that I have no responsibilities. I have nothing to do. I can just sit and be a vegetable all day long. Unlike the last couple of months where I had foster dogs and other stressful things to deal with. Oh yeah and the threat of losing my job. However I think the job is okay… or at least I hope so. We have not been worrying about it so much at work for a while now.

Today is Day 26, one of the nasty days.  I was just standing in the bathroom looking in the mirror feeling awful, like I want to cry, like I want to scream and shout and I hate the world and everyone and everything is against me… and I stare at myself and I think no, these feelings are not real. They are a result of a hormone imbalance or my brain misfiring.  It’s odd, to stand there and just feel your emotions and realize they do not reflect reality.

It’s not fair, really. Emotions are supposed to guide us and help us through life, right? But sometimes emotions do the opposite. They set us up for failure and destruction.  They give us the wrong signals… inaccurate signals about our insides and the world around us. Like Corum watches gone bad… a clock giving us the wrong time.

It’s too hard, suffering from Anxiety  or Depression or PMS or PMDD… I don’t know if humans are capable of going from day to day realizing that our emotions are incorrect, they don’t reflect reality, and still feel them and live healthy happy lives.  I wish it were. I don’t think it is.  Other than therapy and drugs and supplements and exercise, I don’t know how else to do it. And I’ve been fighting it for probably twenty years now.\

At least I can know my emotions are unrealistic, and I can go on and also know that in a few days I’ll feel a lot better. For that I am thankful.

yes, it is true, I am spoiled rotten. If I want something, I get it. I think this is an absolutely HUGE part of my spending problem. I like to buy stupid dumb things and then a week later I wonder why on earth I bought that?

Now I want a new dog.   A certain breed of dog. They are called Danish Swedish Farmdogs, and, dangit, I’m bound and determined to get one.

Of course with dogs, though, I know what I’m getting into. I know the comitment and the work and the love and time and money they take. So I’m not worried about getting another dog.  Still, I have time to think about it.

But as for other things, I am stopping my buying. I am. It’s hard, I keep thinking I need something, then I think no, I’ve lived without it this far in my life, I don’t really need it now. And so I’m learning, and getting better, thank goodness. Good thing I don’t have my mind set on home theatre seating or I might be in trouble.

But I do still feel like I’m spoiled rotten. LOL I guess it’s a good thing that I can be, and still be okay financially and otherwise.

So at work we have a Fitness Center which is pretty nice. Since they revamped the entire Capitol building, they put in a fairly large fitness center with new equipment and lots of things to do.  I signed up, but not really to use that.

I signed up for a self defense class that a guy who works here is giving.  It’s scary. I mean, not scary like I might get hurt, but scary like I have to move and do things with my body. I always hated sports as a kid because I felt like an idiot when I moved my body around in anything.  And so this reflects that. Maybe if I had some self defense products then I wouldn’t feel so weird about it.  But I dunno.

Anyway, so far it’s been good.  The main key is moving toward the aggressors thumbs. So if someone grabs my right arm with both hands, I can take my right hand in my left hand and pull up, toward the thumbs, and I break out.

The instructor says we have a fraction of a second of surprise, if we don’t use that, we are history. LOL. As the aggressor isn’t going to be expecting anything.

I worry, though. If I try it, and I don’t succeed… well, maybe it can’t really make anything worse. If you don’t put the whole force of your body and will into it, a half-assed attempt could just mire you in further.

I’ve gone to two of the twelve weeks so far, and I’ll keep going.  It’s interesting. And I’ll like it better once PMS is over and I don’t feel so anxious and self-concious.

And so… my problem and I’ve written about it before, is that I bounce back and forth between Anxiety and Obsession. And now I think that somewhere in the middle is Commitment. Which I seem to lack.

Today is Day 23 and so I’m getting into PMS again. However, my concoction of drugs and herbs is keeping me okay. Plus, I don’t have a foster dog that I’m dealing with this month. Last month that totally put me over the top. Though I am toying with the idea of buying a house in Monroe Utah… which would be fun! But thinking of that is different than actually doing it. And thinking of fixing it up and getting new bathroom fixtures is a lot of fun! But I need to stop thinking about it so much and just wait…

However, I still think too much. And now I’m thinking about exercising. I’m about to head off to do my Linda Hamilton Terminator II workout… I did it for a couple years, a couple of years ago. But I haven’t in a while now and I do know exercise is good for me. So I’m trying to find the commitment amidst the two ends of the spectrum that are, for me, anxiety and obsession.

Where can I find that darn commitment? Hrm..

It has a nice ring to it… doesn’t it? President Obama. Oooo yes it does! I love it!  I am so thrilled he is president now. For eight lousy years I have been hoping, wishing, and waiting for a decent man in the office. I hope he will prove us right, and be a decent man. I think he will!

Eight years ago I was so wrapped up in men and my life was a mess, I didn’t have the personal resources to spare to even care who was running for president.  Looking back, it amazes me how addicted I was. Just like a junkie looking for another fix of a drug, I was looking for another man fix, totally and completely obsessed.  Now, however, I have a self, a ME, and I’m extremely thrilled about it! Now I can concentrate on what really matters… not on a mess of emotions that were empty and pointless and a spiral of ill health.

Today, I’m much better, and hopefully the country will be getting better as well. I personally have to stop spending as much but not because of the economy, but because my husband isn’t working. And his not working isn’t because of the economy, it’s because of his own personal issues. Though the economy will probably come into play too!  Anyway… I’ve been overspending myself and I have to stop. This means no new stuff for the Hermit Crabs, and no new order from Clean Run either. BLEH.  Oh well, I’ll live, and it’s good for me to be responsible myself.

I’m just thrilled Obama is now President Obama! Yay!  I look forward to the years to come and I’m excited for some drastic change!

Ahhh… yes, here they are.  To be blunt, got my period this morning and I can already feel the hormones equalizing and righting themselves.  It’s an amazing feeling, actually. On my pre-zoloft days I could lay in bed and just feel my body getting better, like pleasant drugs coursing through my body and making me feel better.

The next three or so days I’ll keep equalizing until I’m back to normal and a regular human again.  However I’ll still worry… I have realized that my PMDD was extra bad this month because my job might be in danger. 20 years with the State of Utah… 5 years to retirement, and the legislature might cut so many funds that my position has to be cut. If that happens, I will freak out.

I’ll get any job with the State to reach my five years so I can get my pension and then just retire.  I don’t even care what it is. I can do just about anything, and I’ll go back to the welfare office if I have to. If there are jobs. Which there should be, because so many people will be out of work they’ll be on welfare! Ugh!

Anyway… so I am feeling better, and yet the stress is still there. I long for they day I won’t have to worry anymore!

NO

I’m having PMS this week (it’s day 25 .. three more days to go) and it’s at this time of the month where I think I really over extend myself.  I wish I had the balls, and the uncaring-ness, to just tell everyone that my default to do anything at all no matter what it is, is NO.

No I’m not going to do that dog training or that practice. No I’m not going to go to lunch or dinner. No I can’t talk on the phone and I can just barely email (but I can email or IM better than the phone).  No I can’t do anything at all whatsoever I have to stay home and hide in my house and close all the windows and doors and blinds and just sit an blog or read blogs or watch TV and eat lots and lots of chocolate!

But I can’t. I don’t know how.  I say yes way too much. Somtimes I then change my mind.  I am so busy… too busy sometimes.  The one thing that I want to do that I don’t seem to ever really get time to do is work on my house. I want to paint my spare bedroom and I have hardly even done the prep work.  I guess I just need to make that a priority and tell everyone else No I can’t do anything until my bedroom is finished!  Hrmph.