Luna Tail

I really am unable, it seems, to stop eating food that is in front of me. In example, I ate a frozen dinner today for lunch… easy to prepare and it’s a limited amount. Ate it all. Then I got the munchies, which I often do. And usually I get the munchies for something sweet or salty. Usually sweet like chocolate. But I’m trying to be good, and I figure every little choice where I’m good helps, even if it’s just a little, so I pulled out the 1lb bag of baby carrots I brought.

Sitting at my desk working… focusing on the computer, and before I know it the whole bag is gone! Well, the plastic remains, I don’t eat that. LOL. But I eat every bit in the bag. It’s not like I can eat a few then put it away. I eat ‘em all, even if, when I’m done, I feel a bit sick.

I think my eating has a huge tie with my anxiety. Especially now… this time of the month, it’s Day 22. I feel more anxiety and so I eat because I want to make the anxiety go away.

It amazes me at how powerful the feeling… the taste, of food is in the mouth. It is so intense… sweet or salt or sour. It’s like the mouth, I swear, should be our major sexual organ since it’s so sensitive and we are sticking food in it all day long. At least three times a day. I can so understand why people have such a hard time with food and eating. Why it can become such an addiction, or avoidance. It’s intense and extreme. I’m dang lucky for the metabolism I have, or I’d probably be 500 pounds easy.

Anyway, so it’s been hard for me lately, and going out to eat with tons of food on my plate is very hard for me to avoid. Maybe I just need to section a bit off and only eat that. But I’m not sure I’d be able to do that, either. Hrmph.

Gads… anxiety city. Yuck. I went to the Chiropractor today and spent three hours there. Well, I guess two and a half, but still. While I was there it wasn’t a big deal. He is a N.U.C.C.A. Chiropractor. He was recommended by a friend.

Unfortunately, my insurance probably won’t cover it. So it could end up being expensive. And the two and a half hours just frazzled me. They took a lot of x-rays to see where I’m off, and then he adjusted me accordingly. My neck isn’t too bad but it’s bad enough to be causing me a whole bunch of nasty neck and back pain. And I do have to admit to myself how badly it has been hurting. Popping and cracking and I can hardly bend over at my back.

But still, if I didn’t have my sertraline as a crutch, I think I’d be a mess. I feel like I want to crawl in a hole. Why all the anxiety about this? Well, it’s a different place, for one. And for another I hate admitting that I feel bad physically. And third, the money is freaking me out, too. We don’t have that much how with my Husband not working, so we have to be tight. Plus Lucy might have a blockage and might need surgery. I need to redo my budgeting and planning in order to make sure we can pay all the bills.

Gads, it all happens at once. I’m just glad that right now and for the next couple weeks I don’t have any dog trials going on. So I can try to relax and take it easy.

And as for the anxiety, sometimes it’s just there, and doesn’t have a logical reason. Even though it’s probably driven by my own thoughts in my head that I don’t even recognize are there, sometimes I think it’s emotion pure and simple and I just need to be okay with myself.

Finally, I sucked up my anxiety and called a chiropractor. I think some of it was I was waiting for the right one to come along. Or, it’s just my anxiety that has caused me to put it off. LOL. But I like the waiting idea better!

My neck has been crackling and popping since probably last August. Yeah, I am good at living through discomfort. And downright pain. I would say, now, my neck, shoulders and back are painful. And I need to have something done. The regular orthopedic doctor has no clue, been to him twice. I went to a regular chiropractor who popped and cracked me, but that didn’t seem to help either. This guy is a neck specialist and a friend recommended him so I have hopes that my neck will be better tomorrow afternoon!

I can only hope. As the day goes by my neck hurts more and more. And I can’t bend at my waist, either, because my lower back hurts. I hate pain. I hate doctors, too. But I guess I hate pain more. lol.

He’s not on my insurance, though, which sucks. But I want a good one from a recommendation, so hopefully this will be worth it. I’ll probably have to fill out a bunch of papers and do some paper signage and some digital signage while I’m there, I better get there early tomorrow. Ugh!

Yup, it’s true… I admit it, I have limits. Ugh. I hate having limits. I swear, when I was a kid in my teens and twenties, I didn’t have limits. Time went by very slowly and I could do everything I wanted and have time to spare. What happened to those days?

I guess work happened, and a house happened, and dogs and a husband and bills and other things. Ugh. Well, I have to admit that I have limits. The flyball tournament last weekend really took me out. I’ve managed to get to work each day though, and today I think I’m finally feeling better, but I feel like I’ve been really neglecting my house and yard. And my husband, too, though he hasn’t said anything about it.

This weekend is 3 days of agility again, but the following weekend I have off. I was going to go visit my friend in Richfield but I think I have to realize that my house and home needs me and I really need to stay home and do some yard work and house cleaning. Hrmph. I just hate having to realize I have limits and not do some things I want to do!

Oh well, such is life I guess. I have monetary limits, too. I want a new HD Camcorder and more flash memory but I can’t afford it now. So I have to just use the one I have. =P

I went to an agility trial last weekend and I just had a couple of thoughts.

First one is… I can be very child like when I want someone to watch me, or know what I’m doing, or see the pictures of the necklace that I bought. I think children do this a lot.. and I wonder if, the more people do it as adults, the bigger the sign of immaturity it is? I think, sometimes, I do it too much.

And on a further note, I think it’s interesting when people talk and talk about themselves and hardly listen to other people. I think this, too, might be a sign of immaturity. Or maybe insecurity? People don’t know how to listen, or can’t sit in silence, and so just chatter on about any old thing?

Personally I like sitting in silence to a degree. And I like it when people don’t chatter on continuously. It rather bothers me. But I listen, because I’m am much better listener than I am talker, anyway.

Here on my blog, though, I chatter on, just about myself, on and on… and it’s the way I am able to satisfy this part of myself. LOL

This is a picture of my healthy lunch. I had the same thing for dinner because I’m boring. It’s a boca burger, 1 point, on low cal bread, another 1 point, and all the veggies are probably only a point or two (Weight Watchers Points). I did have Cheese and Light Mayo on the Boca Burger, though, which probably was about 3 more points. But I don’t really like the Boca Burger as much plain, so spruced it up.

And as I was taking pictures of my lunch, Tatum decided to jump on the counter and check it out too.

And this one is, I think, my favorite picture. LOL Tatum is such a goof. It’s too hard to stop a dog once they start to counter surf. So we allow it. We don’t want to use any punishment with the dogs, so they get away with some things. But that’s okay, we are happy with what they do.

Anyway, I am trying to eat healthy. It’s hard… the chocolate calls me. And I love Symphony bars. They are so yummy. I do think I am addicted to sugar and chocolate. I get major cravings in the evenings for both. And, sometimes, for salt too. But my weight isn’t too bad… that’s probably why I don’t try as hard as I would like. Hrmph.

And although I do eat in front of the TV a lot, I don’t usually eat on the bedroom furniture. But then again, sometimes it’s comfy to eat in bed.

Well… yes, my back still hurts. Not nearly as bad as it did those couple of days last week before I went to flyball. But it still hurts in the morning when I wake up, and I think I need a chiropractic adjustment to work it out.

My new mattress topper is so nice! It’s that great memory foam.. I should have taken a picture of it before I put it in the bed. We stuck it inside the liquid proof mattress cover we have, and it fit. You know.. having so many dogs on the bed that once in a while one will pee on there, and so I needed a spill proof mattress cover. It works really well, too (yeah it has been proven!).

So anyway… the bed is more comfortable. My neck still cracks and pops, though. Which sucks. I do need to learn some relaxation techniques. They give me anxiety though. Relaxing makes me anxious. Not sure where that came from but it does. Hrmph!

Well, I think I’m going to sleep on the couch tonight. Last night I slept on a different mattress in the house. And I woke this morning in just as much back pain as I was in yesterday. It was awful. Today I was a bit smarter and downed three Ibuprophins right away. By the time I’d fed the dogs (that’s a trick with a sore back, I’ll tell ya) and showered, the pills had kicked in and I was feeling a bit better, at least I could move without terribly pain.

I’m at work again today. As I sat on the couch this morning with the dogs loving me, I really considered staying home. But I worked Monday this week so I could take Friday off and not use my annual, because I’m going to St. George for a flyball tournament. Ugh! So I didn’t want to stay home and take annual! Not only am I poor on money lately, I’m also poor on annual leave. I gotta conserve.

Maybe i’ll need travel insurance for my trip, in case my back goes out while I’m down there. Ugh. I’m gonna look into a Chiropractor today, I have a recommendation, just been too chicken to call.

The couch is softer, so if I sleep on that tonight, maybe tomorrow I won’t wake up in mortal pain. Costco didn’t have any of my mattress toppers in stock, so I have to wait for delivery.

That’s me. Number One Idiot. I won’t even say what I did, but I woke up at 2am with awful back pain, the dogs were stress panting in my face and on my head, and it took me about a half hour to figure out what was going on. My pager had gone off, and I hadn’t heard it.

Needless to say, I could hardly get out of bed my lower back hurt so much. At that time I admitted to myself that yeah, at 40 I guess I am getting old and my body doesn’t heal up as well as it has been. I made some poor decisions and now I’m trying to fix them at work. So far, so good.

Anyway, stupid day. That’s what I get for working on a Monday. I’m taking Friday off to go to a flyball tournament, hopefully that’ll go better than this stupid day.

I need to do something about my back. Maybe get a soft pillowtop for my mattress, because I think it’s too hard and it’s hurting my back. Ugh. I can hardly bend over. I have to go straight down and bend at my knees, and that still hurts. Won’t be able to put the wine in the wine racks when I get home tonight, I’ll just have to lay around. Or maybe find a chiropractor. Ugh.

I went and, finally, downloaded a Podcast Receiver today… been wanting to listen to some Radio West podcasts and I keep forgetting to get them.

I downloaded Ziepod. I used Juice a while ago, but I liked the look of Ziepod and I also like how I can minimize it to just a bar on the desktop… kinda like winamp. Though I like the name, and the lemon, on Juice better.

So far so good for Ziepod. And I got to listen to the podcast I’d been hoping to for a while. In Defense of Food with Michael Pollan. I see his book, An Omnivore’s Dilemma, is for sale as an audiobook. I am going to have to see if I can rent it from the library.