Luna Tail

I think it’s very, very odd that physical issues can cause us to feel emotional responses. It’s a concept that has been really hard for me to grasp and hold onto, and really beleive. But my issues with PMS really do hammer it home. It’s true. And my issues with social Anxiety and general Anxiety too.

I took some Agnus Castus this morning … I’d bought a new bottle of it a couple of days ago. And I feel so much better this afternoon. I think maybe my old bottle wasn’t as effective anymore.

It rather pisses me off that my emotions can be so influenced by physical things going on in my body. Be it hormones or my brain… or even a headache or a cold. Or a sore leg or ankle or heck, anything else. I really want to be in control of my own emotions. For the most part, I think I am. But then again… probably still not as much as I’d like to be. I still wish I were a Vulcan, or an Android, to turn the emotions off. Bleh.

Well, I can dream, eh? Maybe I can even buy the moon… or at least walk on the darn thing. But that’s pretty much a dream, too.

Well I’m back from St. George, Utah, and flyball with my dog Chase. Muffit and Tatum came along for the ride too. It was fun. I pulled the trailer down on my own… the first time I ever took it on my own. I was scared and nervous until about half way home today. Then my nerves finally settled and I was fine.

I also had a passenger, a 14 year old girl who is a member of our flyball team, and her border collie. It went well though I was nervous about what we’d talk about and I’m always a bit shy as I don’t know her too well. But she’s super nice and it was fun. And I was nervous about the van and the trailer and getting there okay, but it went just fine. The van pulled the trailer nicely I will admit. Better than my old Outback did. My drive home was by myself, and it the weather was nice and the traffic was good.

So when I go to more dog shows next summer, or Vegas vacations, I can take the trailer myself. Now, though, I’m just glad to be home and I’m rather glad to be done with traveling for dogs sports for the year. The next trip is the cruise, end of October. For a while, i get to have some weekends off and to rest!

Okay I think I’m finally finding that the Chiropractor isn’t working this time. It did for my groin strain… and it did for my shoulder a year or so ago. But this time, not working. Sometimes I feel a little better, but then sometimes I feel rotten.

Tonight I’m nauseous, I’ve had a rotten headache most of the day (I do NOT get headaches), my neck hurts and is popping, and when I lay flat on my back my left arm goes numb.

I think a lot of this has to do with the accident. Especially the left arm numbness and the headaches. Oh yeah, I’m occasionally dizzy. And I know I wasn’t dizzy before the accident at all. Nor was I nauseous, nor did my left arm go numb. Nor did I get headaches. My neck hurt… and popped, but none of the other things.

So now I have to get up the guts to call the chiropractor, work out the billing, and tell them it’s just not working the way I had hoped. I know it works for other things, and that’s fine, but just not for me right now. I feel guilty, though… the anxiety kicks in. I feel like I’ll piss them off or hurt their feelings or some stupid thing. I hate having to do this. But I’ve got to suck it up and call them in the next couple of days and tell them I’m not going to come back. Dammit, where is my spine!

I want to go to another doctor. Not sure if I should go to an orthopedic doctor, or my family doctor, or maybe a neck and back specialist. I don’t like feeling this way and I want to do something about it. The nausea is really bugging me, so is the dizziness. And the neck pain, of course. And I don’t sleep on my back too often, but I don’t like it that my arm goes numb when I am just laying flat on my back!

So here I go, trying to stiffen up my spine, and do something. Bleh. I just wish all doctors were holograms or computers, then I would be able to face them better! I hate having things wrong with me. I hate admitting that I’m human, and thus I can have weaknesses and am not always strong and completely whole. And I’m older now too, and the body doesn’t bounce back like it once did.

Well, today I went to an agility trial. I had fun.. I wasn’t too excited about it. I have been having one heck of a rotten time getting up early in the mornings lately. And six o’clock comes dang early. I have something in my brain that says there is a big difference between six o’clock and seven o’clock. Seven isn’t so bad, Six is awful! Eight is even better.

Anyway… I was sitting in the ring today setting jump bars, and it’s a USDAA trial so I’m not as familiar with when to set the triple and double and table… and I’d set something and the judge, who was really on top of things, went and reset my stuff a couple of times because I didn’t get it right.

Well, my old anxiety kicks in, I feel like an idiot, I think everyone is going to hate me and think I’m stupid… and so I had to sit there with myself for a while and try to understand why I’m feeling this. Because most of the time at trials, even when I make a mistake, I don’t feel that anymore.

So I remembered yesterday and how I wasn’t feeling good all day. And I haven’t been feeling good most of the week. It could be the Isagenix… but I doubt it. I’m done with my 9 day cleanse and it went well. But I really think that I’m thrown off because of the car accident. And I have been having these rotten headaches, i have one again now, and they just don’t want to go away. Bah. I hate headaches.

So I think there is something going on with me still, be it the accident or be it just that I’m stressed and not feeling well. It’s only Day six today, so I’m in a good place hormonally. Maybe I am catching a cold… maybe I’m in a summer funk and I could use a change of weather. But I really don’t want it to get cold. I like the summer!

Tomorrow I’m getting up kinda early again, but not as early. Only about 7:30 so that’ll be good. Going to practice obedience in the morning, then come home and maybe I’ll just go back to bed. I am tired of pushing myself to the edge… I’d rather take care of myself and slow down and relax. If my body and mind are telling me to slow down, then I’m gonna slow down.

Heck, I like being slow and relaxed, so that’s what I’m gonna do!

Today I just want to sit home and hide. Actually, I wish I could do it all week. The car accident is really sinking in now. Last night I laid in bed and practically shook… cried, and was miserable, not able to think of anything other than being in the crash. And today my back and neck are hurting quite a bit.

I’m working from home today so fortunately I don’t have to go anywhere. Maybe I should take tomorrow off work completely. Bleh. But I want to get the car top carrier back to my friend, as I borrowed it from her. But I don’t want to talk to anyone, see anyone, and for goodness sake, I really don’t want to drive anywhere. But I so love working with my dogs…

Maybe I just need to sit around and shop, I want a GPS unit, that would be fun to buy to comfort myself! I’ll go check out the best buy for a GPS.

Tomorrow they’ll hopefully give me an estimate on the cost of the car repairs. I hope it’s not totaled. I can’t afford a new car right now. We’d probably just have the one for a while if my outback is history.

Anyway, I’m on the couch with my dogs around me… and I so love their comfort. I’m glad we are all okay. CRAP why another car wreck? It sucks!

Ugh… I woke up this morning and it was just so hard to wake up. My head felt thick and heavy. My neck hurt a bit, and all my muscles were tense.

I’m thinking the Zoloft is really finally having an affect on me, and it’s bugging me. Yup… takes me about a year to get used to something new and then really try to understand it. Okay I know, so I’m slow!

The Zoloft makes me a bit foggy in the head. I can’t concentrate as much, I can’t have those nice things I am not even going to talk about… my emotions are just not as sharp as they used to be. Yeah.. the anxiety and the PMS are a ton less, but I think I’m entering the phase where I think, if I stopped taking the meds, I’d be okay and I’d still be able to handle life.

So I guess it’s time to go and talk to the shrink. Maybe I can reduce my dosage a bit. I don’t like having no motivation during the day. And at night, sleeping with all my muscles so tense that my back and neck just hurt all day long.

Once I get up and get into a routine I’m better. But if I don’t have a goal, I’m kinda mush. And then I wonder if maybe I’m catching a cold, or if it’s emotional? I sometimes just don’t know what I feel.

Gads… anxiety city. Yuck. I went to the Chiropractor today and spent three hours there. Well, I guess two and a half, but still. While I was there it wasn’t a big deal. He is a N.U.C.C.A. Chiropractor. He was recommended by a friend.

Unfortunately, my insurance probably won’t cover it. So it could end up being expensive. And the two and a half hours just frazzled me. They took a lot of x-rays to see where I’m off, and then he adjusted me accordingly. My neck isn’t too bad but it’s bad enough to be causing me a whole bunch of nasty neck and back pain. And I do have to admit to myself how badly it has been hurting. Popping and cracking and I can hardly bend over at my back.

But still, if I didn’t have my sertraline as a crutch, I think I’d be a mess. I feel like I want to crawl in a hole. Why all the anxiety about this? Well, it’s a different place, for one. And for another I hate admitting that I feel bad physically. And third, the money is freaking me out, too. We don’t have that much how with my Husband not working, so we have to be tight. Plus Lucy might have a blockage and might need surgery. I need to redo my budgeting and planning in order to make sure we can pay all the bills.

Gads, it all happens at once. I’m just glad that right now and for the next couple weeks I don’t have any dog trials going on. So I can try to relax and take it easy.

And as for the anxiety, sometimes it’s just there, and doesn’t have a logical reason. Even though it’s probably driven by my own thoughts in my head that I don’t even recognize are there, sometimes I think it’s emotion pure and simple and I just need to be okay with myself.

Had some anxiety going on today… performance anxiety maybe I can call it? LOL. Agility trial, and it was teams, and we didn’t do very well. I think teaming up with someone I didn’t know made me really feel the pressure. I don’t know if I’m going to do the teams thing in August when it’s offered again.

I don’t like it when someone else depends on me… oh yeah, well, it wasn’t too big a deal because if my partner was serious about qualifying, he would have been more picky about his partner. But still, I feel like I failed, and the anxiety is high, and I feel pretty humiliated and idiotic.

So time to look up a travel guide and head out of town… at least that is what I want to do, or buy my head in the sand, or hide in a closet, or just not go tomorrow! But I’ll feel better tomorrow. Or at least I hope so.

I’ve been thinking lately… that I think too much. This morning I got up and was planning to go jogging with the border collies. And while I’m in bed I start to weight the pros and cons of jogging… how nice and comfy and warm it is in bed, how it’s raining outside, but how it will be so good for the boys and healthy for me too… back and forth I go in my head thinking of what I want to do.

Then I just said to myself, quit it! Stop thinking so much! I know that jogging makes for a healthier me and healthier border collies. The Boys, Chase and Muffit, have so much energy they really need to work it off. And so I just decided that I really needed to stop thinking so much and go!

So I got up and went. The boys loved it, of course. While I was out there, again I kept thinking too much… about how far will I go, the rain is cold and unpleasant… and I had to shut myself up again and just do. Just be. Stop thinking.

And I have to be happy with myself, too. Happy with my body, happy with my skills, happy with my weight and not look at a list of best diet pills that might help me lower my appetite…

I just need to be. And do. And not think so much.

Fitting in with people is, to put it lightly, hard. When I was younger I used to think I could get along with just about anyone. As I get older, I am pickier, and I think I maybe I can tolerate anyone. But sometimes it’s just hard!

I missed out on a lot of social development when I was in my early 20s. Due to being filled with anxiety and fear and a lack of self confidence, I really didn’t develop friendships or learn how to keep friends. Grade School and High School didn’t help, either. Grade School I had the most awful ‘friends’, and in Jr. High one day one of my ‘friends’ decided to stop talking to me. So suddenly, mortified and humiliated, I was alone and friendless.

In my 20s I jumped from emotionally unstable man to emotionally unstable man until my divorce when I realized I needed to figure out what was going on with me, and why I was choosing such men. And yes, it was me, choosing such men. It wasn’t that all men are bad or awful. It’s that boy.. can I pick ‘em.

Anyway, so now that I’m much more comfortable with myself and confident, I’m being more social. But that is hard, too. And I don’t want to be clicky or snobby, but I am finding that some people I fit with better than others. Is that clicky? I don’t know. I think, though, it’s normal.

And so now, beginning my 40s, I’m trying to find out how to tell those I like and that I fit with, that I want to spend time with them. And tell those I don’t really fit with very well, to tell them that I don’t really want to spend time with them. Of course I can’t come out and say these things, it’s not socially acceptable… is it? And so I try to say it with actions.. and lately I’ve been screwing that up. But this subtlety escapes me and I’m trying to learn all the trickiness of how this works.

Without, of course, feeling hurt myself.. which I don’t do, because if someone doesn’t want to spend time with me, more power to ‘em I say. But I don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings. And I hope they will have the same attitude, more power to everyone else.

An old friend of mine, her mother used to say, “there’s no pot so crooked that a lid won’t fit.” So really, everyone will find people they fit with, right?

Ugh.. it’s just hard.
What do you do… how do you give clues to people you want to spend time with them, or you don’t?