Luna Tail

I’ve been stressed lately. Have I mentioned that? Oh probably.. I forget what I post, I have the most awful memory in the world. :p A few things that have been stressing me include our new foster dog, Titus (not really him but he does throw the pack off-kilter) going to Denmark (yes I bought tickets!), work (dang work is really a huge stressor right now), my Mom (I think I made her mad but I’m too chicken to talk to her about it), and painting my spare bedroom.

I’ll post about some of these in more detail later. Maybe I’ll buy some new breeches which might make me happy. But then again, probably not, because my weight is really up and buying clothes is not fun anymore. And as I eat this piece of chocolate… well, that doesn’t help at all.

So too much stress lately, and I have had a nasty headache all day today so I’ve spend most of the day in bed or on the couch and doing nothing. Hopefully my head will feel better tomorrow.

Lately I’ve been feeling like everything I try to do I fail.  I don’t know why this is… maybe it’s just stress.  Maybe it’s the new year frazzles or the post-Christmas blahs. Though I didn’t really do much for Christmas so I don’t know about that.

I would love a break.  In fact, I’d like to just get sick for a while so I’d have an excuse to sit and be in my cave and not be able to do anything at all.  Ugh.

Maybe it’s weird for me to not go to any dog events for a while. “Why are you so petrified of silence…” Hrm.. maybe that’s a bit of it too?

I’m just thinking out loud. Maybe I shouldn’t bear my insecurities on my blog like I do. I dunno. I feel embarrassed though I don’t have anything to hide and it’s a bit cathartic too. Embarrassed and ashamed and weird.

The bright spot in my life is my dogs. I actually feel like I’m a dang good dog trainer. I do well living with and working with my dogs. So I can be proud of that. And they love me always, unconditionally, and I so appreciate all of them. They are amazing and I am so grateful they are in my life.

Yes, I do wish I could just be dumb.  I feel dumb a lot of the time… mostly at my work.  And you know, this blog is cool because no one can tell me otherwise!

Okay Okay I know I’m not really dumb.  I just feel a lot of pressure a lot of the time to be smart.  And I feel stress and anxiety when it comes to that.  I just want to be me. Be natural. Instead I feel like I have to perform. And when I feel forced to perform like that, I freeze up and shut down and I just can’t do it.

I love the dog training because my whole life doesn’t depend on it.  I like that’s it’s a pleasure and a hobby and a labor of love.  Maybe I’m feeling stressed now because my husband isn’t working at all so it’s all on me.  But I’ve never felt that way before so I don’t know if it’s the case now.  Maybe it’s because I’m under three years to retirement, and I’m terrified I’ll be laid off before I get to retire.

Ugh. Either way, I just want to be okay to be dumb if I am dumb. Slow if I am slow. And smart or fast if I am those too.  I don’t want the pressure!  Maybe the pressure is what is behind it all. I just don’t know. Ugh.

I have always thought that one of things I really excel at is watching TV. LOL yeah I know I know it isn’t a profession and it’s nothing I could make money doing… well unless I was a critic but then I’d have to express my opinion about it all and that would just stress me out too and people would read my opinions and I wouldn’t know if I was ‘right’ or ‘good enough’ or whatever.

I guess TV is such a stress reliever for me because I can stop feeling altogether and just feel what the characters are feeling. And since they are not real and their emotions are not real it’s just a relief for me to follow them along and de-stress myself. Maybe I can sit in a manufactured home and just watch TV all day…

Actually I wouldn’t be able to watch TV all day long. For one, I’m rather picky about what I like and so most of the stuff on TV is just junk. and also I really love getting out and about with my dogs. I just am wishing for less stress and anxiety in life. I guess watching TV all day isn’t going to solve that, though. I hope I can find something that will.

So I’ve been wondering lately why I am so tired all the time and I just want to sleep. I think I finally figured it out, not that figuring it out will really do anything to help me. LOL. Since I rush all over the place so much and I’m always in some sort of frenzy, it seems, I think I probably burn so much energy that I really want to sleep.

I keep telling myself that after I retire I’ll calm down and rest… but really I should do it now. I just don’t know how to do it at work when I’m so stressed about work all the time and that I’m really an idiot and I’m not doing a very good job. Bleh. I’d rather play with the dogs and a Canon camera and be home most of the time. I really am a home body, even though I’m out and about a lot doing the dog stuff.

Oh well. Maybe I need a plan to calm myself down and take things easy. Hrmph. Well I’m going to run a job for work then go and take a nap!

So as you guys probably know I got the most wonderful puppy back in July. He’s six months old now and he is still the most wonderful puppy. I hope he doesn’t grow up too fast because it’s just so much fun to have a wiggly silly puppy in the house.

Jet trusts me so completely. This might be a dog related post, but it’s kid related too. And just a general trust post so I thought I’d put it here instead of my dog blog. Anyway I am just amazed at how completely he trusts me. He lets me hold him upside down, lift him, take things from him, give things to him… he flops on me in lots of ways with no thought of falling or being treated poorly. I assume young children are just exactly like this. Do young kids have trust as their default? Are they born with trusting their parents entirely?

I have had so many dogs through my home that don’t trust me. And as an adult human I don’t trust too many people. It seems, as adult humans, we don’t tend to trust easily. Trust has to be earned. We have been disappointed way too many times.

What if our trust was never betrayed, from the time we were little kids, and we trusted people by default? And people were trustworthy? I just wonder what the world would be like. Totally different… and human nature would not let that happen. But it’s an interesting idea anyway. Maybe in 4396510 years humans will evolve to a point where we will be trustworthy. Until then.. I will cherish my little boy Jet and appreciate all the trust he gives me. And protect him as much as I can. I want him to know the world is a safe place. I will make the world a safe place for him. Unlike a human kid, he won’t ever go out on his own and need to be a skeptic. I’ll always watch over him.

I just finished watching Race to Witch Mountain… wasn’t the original called Escape to Witch Mountain? Hrmm now I don’t remember.

And while it wasn’t all that great of a show, too much action and not enough character development, it reminded me of how our society has the 40 hour work week and if you don’t fit into that mold, then you are going to have a really hard time.

I don’t like that mold. I don’t fit it… even though I’ve been doing it for most of my life. Well, the last 21 years anyway. And probably more than that. But what about people who just can’t sit confined at a desk all day, or even just in the restraint of that type of work? Selling rv insurance is the same idea though…

There are the artists of the world who don’t conform. Back in the old old days when we didn’t have this 40 hour work week there were farmers and warriors and you just did what you did to support yourself. Now you must fit in the mold.

And if you don’t, you’ll be on the street.

And that is scary.

I can do it… but I don’t really like doing it. It’s too much stress. And the closer I get to having it be over, the more stressed I get about having it cut out from under me. That security… that pension. I just hope I can sit behind that desk for another four years, do my best, and hope for something else when I’m done.

So I think I’ve figured out a huge thing with how I’m feeling… the crawling sensation that I get under my skin that I have been thinking is the Candida.  Well, now I think it’s anxiety.

I think I’ve been internalizing my anxiety and, as weird as it may sound, it’s been manifesting underneath my skin and just above my muscles.

I’ve mentioned before that I have trouble doing things… various things, but really all things, that would be responsible to do. Like taking vitamins for instance. I take them for a while, but then I stop because suddenly the anxiety comes up and I don’t take them anymore. I’ve said that I can obsess about things, such as knitting or jogging, and then after a while I stop that, too. But now I wonder if it’s obsessing, or if it’s just this same barrier that I keep hitting.

Just like hitting hard classroom desks or a brick wall, my anxiety comes up and it prevents me from doing what I want to do. I’ll tell you sometimes I have no idea how I’ve been involved in dog training and dogs for so long. I guess my passion outweighs the anxiety. But for the most part I can only do things for so long and then I stop cold.  (Well, except for watching TV or movies too, but that’s an escape so doesn’t count.)

So now I’m trying to feel the anxiety.  Look at it. When I do, it doesn’t get under my skin and I don’t feel the crawling pain so much.  So that’s good!  But, of course, anxiety sucks and I hate feeling it.  Anxiety likes to protect itself and to do so it distracts the mind to look at something else.  So I have to force myself to see the anxiety and feel it.

So I’m trying that now.  I don’t even know what is causing the anxiety.. what thoughts? What habits? What feelings?  How does taking vitamins make me anxious? I think there’s an underlying common component that I have yet to discover.

I think this is a big step for me though!

So I am getting ready for bed and posting from my G1 phone… I hope this works.

I want to try to relax more and see if I can get the shimmering under my skin to calm down and, eventually, go away. But when i try to stretch or meditate the anxiety gets worse. It grows like a dark cloud in my stomach. I know that sitting through it is the only way to make it go away, but the nature of anxiety is that it wants you to avoid the things that cause the anxiety.

Maybe I just don’t know how to have a calm and peaceful life. My life is great and I love the things I do… maybe I need to sit with that more and realize yes, i do deserve a good life. We all do.

Good night.

So I just have to say, once in a while, how much I appreciate my husband.  He doesn’t have a full time job right now but he does so much around the house that I am amazed.  In fact, I really think he does more than I do.  He does work some to bring in money for food, which is good as I just over spend on dog stuff and I shouldn’t.   =P  But he also loves the dogs, picks up the dog poop, washes the laundry, fixes things around the house, and goes to school to finish up his degree.

He bought me a Mouse today, too, for my laptop. Since I broke the last two and have been complaining for a while that I don’t have one.  He just brings it home and surprises me.  Wow! Oh and he built shelves in his office and he keeps the grass nice and green by watering it. I’d have brown dry grass if it weren’t for him. =P

Don’t get me wrong I do a lot too… I work full time and I train the dogs full time. I swear dog training is another full time job. But I love it. And he is so good to let me do that instead of clean the house and wash the dishes. LOL not that he ‘allows’ me to do anything since we both are pretty free spirits. But still… I would have to do a lot less with the dogs if it weren’t for him.

Maybe I need a new insurance quote to see if we can save some money. Ugh. But really I just need to spend less since I think I do have a spending problem. But I do really need a Kangaroo Leather Show Dog Lead for when I take Jet to Chicago in October… oh, and they are not cheap! LOL