Mar 13 2008
Using Addictions to Bury Anxiety
One of the things I learned in CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) recovery.. was that the top layer of most people’s problems is called denial. And that denial allows us to keep doing our addictions… because the next layer down is behavior. We are denial to cover up our behaviors that are unhealthy, or downright destructive.
The layer below that is the feelings. We are in denial so we don’t have to face the behaviors that cover up the horrible feelings we can feel… including Anxiety.
There are more layers, below the feelings are the beliefs we hold, and below that is self-esteem and whether we hate ourselves or love ourselves. But this post is about the Behaviors and the Feelings layers.
Lately I have been realizing that my blogging is becoming a pretty major addiction. And this addiction allows me to not feel the anxiety I feel. Anxiety about work… mainly. And also just general anxiety that I think I have learned to feel on a daily basis and I really don’t know how to stop feeling. It’s like a bad habit.. like popping my knuckles. I don’t know how to stop that either and I’ve tried a few different things.
Fortunately I am no longer addicted to men, emotionally unstable and lazy men at that, nor am I addicted to drugs or alcohol… so I don’t need alcohol rehab. But the anxiety is still there, even though I do have the Sertraline as a tool I use to keep it much, much less than it used to be.
It’s hard for me to just sit… to just sit on the couch and look out the window and not think. It’s hard for me to meditate… I’ve tried, but when I do a huge package of anxiety comes along with it and makes it unpleasant. Being still allows the anxiety to come up. Being busy keeps the anxiety down to a more manageable level.
But… as we all know, the only way to conquer our fears and anxieties, is to face them. I need to face them. I want the anxiety to go away more. Work gives me the greatest anxiety… because I have short-timers disease (even though I have over 5 years left before I can retire) and work just always has given me anxiety. I’m afraid of appearing to be an idiot. I’m always afraid of that in all aspects of my life, though.
So I do have to stop being on the laptop as much as I have been. This weekend I have an agility trial, so I won’t be blogging much. But on weekends I’m not doing dog things I have to start to enforce non-laptop time so that I can try to sit and relax and examine the anxiety that I want to get rid of. Of course.. today is day 26, which makes me even more anxious… which I forget every stinking month when PMS comes along. And so maybe using the laptop to get away from PMS is okay, for a little while.
I found your site on google blog search and read a few of your other posts. Keep up the good work. Just added your RSS feed to my feed reader. Look forward to reading more from you.
Karen Halls
I found your site on google blog search and read a few of your other posts. Keep up the good work. Just added your RSS feed to my feed reader. Look forward to reading more from you.
Karen Halls
Eureka! A breakthrough!
Meditation is learned.. not something you can expect to just “do”. When I first started it was for 5 minutes.. and that was a struggle… there are MANY ways to meditate.. drat .. I wrote about this… where is that article..
anyway, you know that zone you hit when you are running and everything just fades away except the feel of the road beneath your feet and the whoose of air past your face? That is meditation… everyone quiets their minds in different ways.
Fuzzy Logic’s last blog post..So THIS is why I’m broke
Eureka! A breakthrough!
Meditation is learned.. not something you can expect to just "do". When I first started it was for 5 minutes.. and that was a struggle… there are MANY ways to meditate.. drat .. I wrote about this… where is that article..
anyway, you know that zone you hit when you are running and everything just fades away except the feel of the road beneath your feet and the whoose of air past your face? That is meditation… everyone quiets their minds in different ways. <em>Fuzzy Logic's last blog post..<a href='http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/sacredpaws/IZsb/~3...rel="nofollow">So THIS is why I’m broke</a></em>
I agree with Fuzzy… getting to that point where you can meditate is definitely a learned process. I remember going to yoga class and expecting miracles, but it took a few months before I was able to get to “that place”.
You’ve come a long way in your recovery and for that you should be so very proud. Dealing with anxiety is a very hard thing and I’d say turning to your blog isn’t as bad as your other addictions. Is it?
I agree with Fuzzy… getting to that point where you can meditate is definitely a learned process. I remember going to yoga class and expecting miracles, but it took a few months before I was able to get to "that place".
You've come a long way in your recovery and for that you should be so very proud. Dealing with anxiety is a very hard thing and I'd say turning to your blog isn't as bad as your other addictions. Is it?
Well if you put it that way, now I realize that MY blogging and my work could count as addictions too. Although I wouldn’t admit it but hey… thats the “denial” part right? =/ Hope you get better and maybe you can blog about some tips to help us get better too
Well if you put it that way, now I realize that MY blogging and my work could count as addictions too. Although I wouldn't admit it but hey… thats the "denial" part right? =/ Hope you get better and maybe you can blog about some tips to help us get better too
Hey jen… oh, learning Meditation seems like so much work, and when the anxiety comes with I just want to avoid it!
Maybe when I’m out there running agility, that is a form of meditation. 
Hey jen… oh, learning Meditation seems like so much work, and when the anxiety comes with I just want to avoid it!
Maybe when I'm out there running agility, that is a form of meditation. 
Hi Karen thanks!
Hi Karen thanks!
Thanks Monique… I have come a long way and sometimes I forget and have to look back.
A weekly class would be so great for me, I really need the structure. If only I could find one where I could bring my dog.
Thanks Monique… I have come a long way and sometimes I forget and have to look back.
A weekly class would be so great for me, I really need the structure. If only I could find one where I could bring my dog.
Hi watch free anime… well, yeah, I still think it can be an addiction. Just to a thing instead of a substance.
And as for recovery.. everyone has to do that on their own! 
Hi watch free anime… well, yeah, I still think it can be an addiction. Just to a thing instead of a substance.
And as for recovery.. everyone has to do that on their own! 
[...] Your page is on StumbleUpon [...]