Luna Tail|Lunacy, Crabiness, Life

I’m having major anxiety right now. It usually happens now, just before sleep. As I lie in bed waiting for sleep to take me away. I have to think of a story for myself or else my thoughts go round and round and they are not good thoughts. I am having PMS, it’s Day 27 today so I am at my peak.

I think I am a failure, and I have the most awful feeling of shame and anxiety and humiliation inside of me. It’s not as bad as before I was on the Sertraline, but it can still get pretty bad. I think my job is in trouble, and I wonder what the hell I am doing trying to do collie rescue. Talking to the people is so very stressful for me. Trying to find foster homes. Not sure how to be honest with people and at the same time not having much idea about what I’m really feeling under the anxiety and shame so I can’t express the truth because I don’t know what it is.

And as a physical representation of the anxiety I have a cold sore developing on my lip. It exploded into existence right after I had my navel pierced… that evening, and I was getting nauseous with nerves during and after the piercing. It hurt quite bad and now I am terrified that it’s not going to heal up again like it didn’t last time and that is just going to be the entire end of the whole world and my whole little life.

Writing about this does help, because one of the steps of getting over anxiety is to dispute irrational thoughts. The PMS hormones, the stress of the piercing, the stress of working with someone to foster Tony, my report at work still not working after months, all of this makes me feel like a total failure. But I can sit at home in my quiet and clean house (maids came today) and just be. Just be in the house and try to know that none of these things represent who I truly am. My soul and my spirit are still beautiful even if I am not able to do things and I am not perfect. I can be unperfect and I can have limits and I find those damn limits all the time.

So I am going to sleep now and I know that in the morning I’ll feel better, and in a couple of days my hormones will settle themselves again and I will hopefully be full of myself with confidence.