Luna Tail

At night I think about my story. My book. I have it 80% complete in my head. I think it’s a very good story and is, of course, something I am passionate about. It includes magic, my dogs, some gorgeous men, and a woman who is figuring herself out and finding her confidence.

This morning laying in bed I came up with a part of the story where the main character, Alyx, finally realizes her own strength. She is the most powerful mage in the land, and finally she accepts that inside herself. And it got me to thinking about how I am, and why I am not more confident in my own abilities.

Not perfect, mind. Being codependent I have this stupid fixation on perfection. But being strong and skilled and talented do not mean being perfect. I am a flawed human. At the same time, I can be good at things. And I can admit it to myself.

I never have admitted it to myself before.

I love to write. I believe I’m good at it. Good enough to get a novel published? I don’t know. Maybe I will self publish. I don’t really care either way. But I love stories and I love to write almost as much as I love my dogs. Oh wait! Let me ask that again… good enough to get a novel published? YES! And why not believe it? It can’t hurt. Won’t break my heart or destroy me if I never get published. The thing about that is writing can be so fickle. Is there a right way or a wrong way? If you go to school they will tell you yes. If you ask J.K. Rowling, she might tell you you are wrong. She never went to school. I’m not saying I’m as good… okay, well, maybe I am!

I have always had this nagging doubt inside me. I can’t be at the top. Can’t be good enough. I don’t know why I have this doubt. But it holds me back. I do think I have the potential to be one of the top agility handlers here in Utah. I think Chase, my border collie, has the potential to be one of the best dogs. I don’t want to go to nationals or be on the World Team, but I want to be good. And why not?

I have to get rid of this nagging doubt. I want to admit to myself that yes, I am good. I can be good. I want to be good. Go away you stupid voice that keeps saying no, I’ll never be good enough. GO FREAKING AWAY!

I want that swirl of magic as I finally learn to channel all the power I possibly can, and control it, then bring it down and not be wiped out by it. I miss my magic. I believe I once had magic, but don’t in this world. In this world, logically, there will always be someone better than me, as well as someone worse than me. So I won’t be the most powerful mage here. Or the best handler. But I can be good. I can, in fact, be very good, if I let myself.

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