Luna Tail

Today is Day Two. By tomorrow, I’ll feel even better than I do today. I am amazed, every month after day one rolls around again, how completely awful I feel during PMS. Man, it is so real. It is so intense. It is so awful. The Vitex Agnus Castus keeps it in control, as does the Sertraline, but still my entire body feels like it’s stretched out on a wire, every cell is full of tension and misery. When my hormones start to even themselves out again, I feel like a rush of good drugs are flowing through my system, through my bloodstream, making everything okay again.

Already I decorated my office, office furniture and all, for Christmas. Put up my Christmas tree and lights, and cleaned my whole desk. I’ve emailed people, talked to people, and relaxed. I feel normal again. Like a normal human being. I really wish ‘they’ would find a complete cure to PMS. Until they do, I manage as best I can. And I try to control the Anxiety that comes with it.

I used to be filled to overflowing with intense anger and hatred during PMS. Overwhelming feelings of hatred. And I was not pleasant to be around, for people or for dogs. And I regret that. However, I am so much better now and everyone around me knows it. I have read that the hormones/chemicals of PMS can trigger the anger and hate centers of the brain and trigger these feelings. Which is really odd, because an external source is not causing me to feel these things. It is inside my brain, an internal world. And that is why, my friends, I do believe in depression and anxiety and yes, PMS, as being treatable diseases.

1. The big fat snowflakes falling lazily down to earth.
2. Long dark nights.
3. Warm fires in the fireplace.
4. Watching movies while snuggling under blankets.
5. Doing something else under blankets with the husband.
6. Watching the dogs play in the snow.
7. Going to the dog park when it’s snowing.
8. Hot Tea.
9. Hot Coffee.
10. Hot Baths.
11. Hot air from heaters blowing on me.
12. Snuggly Sweaters and warm clothes.
13. The excitement for Christmas.

Thursday Thirteen

I am better today… the anxiety is less thank the gods. And today is, finally, Day One, which always makes life more pleasant. And I did have fun yesterday participating in Wordless Wednesday. Maybe tomorrow I’ll do a Friday Meme, too. I enjoy checking out the other sites and seeing what they have to post and say.

My anxiety comes in the evenings mostly, before bed. During the day… it’s like being an adult and being a child. When I was a child I didn’t have a choice about how I was treated or what my world was like. Now that I am an adult I do. In the evenings I don’t seem to be in control of my emotions as much, and I am not in control of my dreams at all. During the day I can be more like an adult and have more control on what I do.

So.. working today, blogging today, going home to watch Mona Lisa Smile with the husband. I wish I could get the Netflix widget to work on this blog.

Sometimes I remember my prior night’s dream best when I am going to bed for this night. As I laid down tonight this happened to me again. Just bits and pieces really… I remember going up north for something, it didn’t seem dog related though but that is the only reason I really go up there. And I was with a couple of friends, a man and a woman.. and we piled in the back of a car… or wait was that another dream? I am getting them mixed up tonight.

Anyway once we were up north we decided that we wanted to make a bigger trip out of it and while most of our party was going to go south to get home, we were going to go to Boise Idaho. And I saw it on a map and it was mountainous and looked like fun, and near the ocean kinda like Seattle.

I would love to go to Seattle… Boise, not so crazy about.

I’m having major anxiety right now. It usually happens now, just before sleep. As I lie in bed waiting for sleep to take me away. I have to think of a story for myself or else my thoughts go round and round and they are not good thoughts. I am having PMS, it’s Day 27 today so I am at my peak.

I think I am a failure, and I have the most awful feeling of shame and anxiety and humiliation inside of me. It’s not as bad as before I was on the Sertraline, but it can still get pretty bad. I think my job is in trouble, and I wonder what the hell I am doing trying to do collie rescue. Talking to the people is so very stressful for me. Trying to find foster homes. Not sure how to be honest with people and at the same time not having much idea about what I’m really feeling under the anxiety and shame so I can’t express the truth because I don’t know what it is.

And as a physical representation of the anxiety I have a cold sore developing on my lip. It exploded into existence right after I had my navel pierced… that evening, and I was getting nauseous with nerves during and after the piercing. It hurt quite bad and now I am terrified that it’s not going to heal up again like it didn’t last time and that is just going to be the entire end of the whole world and my whole little life.

Writing about this does help, because one of the steps of getting over anxiety is to dispute irrational thoughts. The PMS hormones, the stress of the piercing, the stress of working with someone to foster Tony, my report at work still not working after months, all of this makes me feel like a total failure. But I can sit at home in my quiet and clean house (maids came today) and just be. Just be in the house and try to know that none of these things represent who I truly am. My soul and my spirit are still beautiful even if I am not able to do things and I am not perfect. I can be unperfect and I can have limits and I find those damn limits all the time.

So I am going to sleep now and I know that in the morning I’ll feel better, and in a couple of days my hormones will settle themselves again and I will hopefully be full of myself with confidence.

I haven’t blogged about Google in the last few days but they still fry my cookies. I am still looking for a good AdSense alternative and you might see various ads come and go as I find one that fits my blogs the best. This is probably a good thing because I hope to find an advertising company that I can work better with anyway.

I just wanted to alert you of a great blog post about the whole Google Fiasco. Karoli over on www.drumsnwhistles.com has a blog post that is absolutely wonderful and truthful. Google GangBang Feels Like Date Rape I encourage you to check it out and give her a digg too as I have.

I still hold it true that Page Rank is now Meaningless as I have already blogged about. And I hold to that. It is now a rank of whether or not your blog/site has paid links or not, nothing more.

I am now going to go watch Bones and baby my belly button because it stings a bit.

Oh and here is the Digg link.

And so here it is! My friend at work and I went and had our navel’s pierced today during lunch. We have been planning on doing it for a while now but would forget or things would get in the way. Finally we are pierced!

I had mine pierced about 8 or so years ago and it never healed. I had it done with a gun, which is, I guess, a bad way to do it. And I had a loop inserted, another bad thing. I had it taken out after a year and it healed up just fine without the pierce. I sure hope that this time, having had a needled used, and having a bar in so it can breath better, maybe it will heal better.

I could have had a reaction to the metal as well, last time. So cross your fingers it heals up better this time and I can wear some fancy navel jewelry. So far it stings when I sit and fold my tummy on it (need a flatter tummy darnit). And it hurt way worse than getting the tattoo did. But now the pain is mostly over and the healing begins! No moving furniture for me for a while, and I got my mattress cover too to put on my new mattress. The husband is going to help me put it on in a bit. We won’t need any New York movers to help though!

Last night my dreams were odd.. but of course they always are. The good part was Duncan and Leo and Me… Duncan and Leo were a couple of gay men, but I kinda think Duncan was bi.. anyway Duncan was very good looking and Leo was pretty fem. But they were very nice and I was great friends with them, and maybe something more? It didn’t really develop there. I was a woman in my dreams. I have never dreamed I was a man… well but then again maybe I have.

Earlier in the evening I remember being in my old house in West Jordan with my current husband. We were fixing up the spare bedroom and I accidentally tipped over a huge bucket of water, probably 20 gallons or so. I had to drag out the shop vac to vacuum the water up. I stuck the exit hose (didn’t know they had them, that was not weird until I just wrote it now) out the window as I sucked up the water. But the water kept getting higher and higher outside, not from my vac. Until the room was flooded and suddenly the house floated away and was going quickly down the street. I was scared that we would crash!