Luna Tail

Okay I have been sitting at my laptop for about 4 hours because it has bugged me to absolutely no end that the Comment Email Responder plug was not working Firefox, but was working in IE. Arrrrgghh!

I finally figured it out! After trying many different things, I figured out it was a setting in the css class that was messing it up.

The position: relative; was screwing up the link, so it wasn’t even a link. I really don’t know why, I don’t know CSS that well. But I really don’t care why… though if I knew why maybe I could have fixed it faster.

Either way, I took that out and woo hoo! Works now!

My therapist was telling me something the last few sessions that really made me look at myself. It’s my initial reactions to things. And I’ve been thinking, because of this club thing I’ve been dealing with lately, how I automatically react to conflict and confrontation.

I don’t like how I react. I react like a child. My initial reaction is to feel like my life, my soul, my very self, is threatened, and I might die. I cower like a beaten puppy. I cry. I want to run and hide.

Other people will lash out with anger, or a snappy hurtful reply. So it’s interesting to see how people react.

My therapist tells me that I am probably hard-wired to be the way I am. And I will have to learn how to accept it, and perhaps how to reduce the time frame it takes me to switch from death, to acceptance, to I’m okay my life is not over and I can deal with this just fine.

I have many things in my life that I think will cause my life to fall apart. And good crap, I’ve been down before, and I don’t ever want to get there again. And she said that the down I experienced, because of codependency and anxiety, is different than the difficult emotions of, say, grief of losing a loved one. But I’m terrified of reaching that place again. It was horrible. I think that scares me more than anything in life.

But I am an adult now, not a child. And the thing I like about being 40 years old is that I have been an adult for as long as I was a child. In another 20 years, I’ll be able to say I’ve been healthy for half my life. LOL but I’ve only been working on getting emotionally healthy since 2000, so only 7 years. And that is actually something else to talk about. For most of my life… 33 years of my life, I suffered with anxiety and codependency and awful, destructive, negative behaviors. And I can’t expect them to just go away over night.

So anyway, I have to write myself some reminder notes and post them around. To let myself know that my initial negative and fearful reactions are not proportionate to the situation. They are, usually, very disproportionate to the reality of the situation. Not that reality can truly ever be known, but I try to get as close as possible.

So this is where disputing irrational thoughts comes in, too. To retrain my brain to think differently. And if I am hard-wired to be like this, then I have to learn to deal with it. She recommended the books by Daniel Amen, as he talks a great deal about how the brain is hard-wired to be certain ways. I might just order one of his CDs. I haven’t been reading books much lately, and I enjoy listening when I’m driving.

Anyway, that is my thought for the day.
Day 11

I guess if I claim to be Ravenclaw, I shouldn’t claim to be a pansy because there are no pansies in Ravenclaw!

be sorted @ nimbo.net

Well, I took the bull by the horns and I think I’m going to pay for it emotionally in a week or so. Because although I act tough, really I’m a big pansy. But I like pansies, they are pretty flowers don’t you think? LOL

Anyway, hopefully my emotional stamina will hold up to the task. And I have support, so that is a good thing. And it’s a good thing I did, really. I’m trying to make something better instead of just bailing out. And I know… those who are established don’t like change, so we’ll see how it goes. But I figure I owe it to all the suffragettes who did so much for women’s rights all those years ago.

And hopefully I won’t need to go to any drug rehabs after I get through this… as emotional trials are difficult for me. But hey, it’s my hobby, it’s not like it’s rocket science or anything! And I have my own personal meds to help me out and use as a tool I can lean on. And I think they are helping a lot.

I’m just kinda funny sometimes, because I bite off a big chunk of something, then fall apart emotionally and am not able to get through it. So this is a learning experience, and I want to get through it. So I may go through some hard times, but we’ll see how it goes and I want to stick with it.

Day 10

I think I may start to put in what day of my cycle I’m on, in each blog post. When I remember. Which may not be often. When I do, I hope to link to this post so that people will know what the heck I’m talking about.

Today is day number 9. Still doing very well. As a woman I really have to know what day it is, because of how I feel, and I like to know when I’m getting my next period. I don’t like to be surprised. Fortunately I don’t need to know for birth control, as the husband has been snipped.

It’s almost Friday… that’s what I call Thursday sometimes, Almost Friday. I’m glad tomorrow is Friday, though I have to pack tomorrow night for going to St. George. As long as Chase’s pads are better. I am going to plan that they are, but I’ll call it Friday night. No sense in going if he can’t run, though.

I’m much recovered from my happenings from last night. Really I wasn’t so bad last night, either. I’m doing well. I have made some great friends and you know what? It’s cool to have a good support network.

I’m always wondering what breed Chase is exactly. He’s ILP’d with the AKC as a border collie. I wonder if there is anything else mixed in there. Maybe I could get one of those new DNA tests and find out, would be kinda fun.

I was just checking out different websites and I found this really cool new blog called Best Ads Ever. It’s too funny. It has ads posted as YouTube videos and some of them are quiet funny.

It looks like it’s a brand new blog, so I’m gonna have to keep checking it out.

So tonight at flyball practice I got yelled at. Ugh. And I knew it was coming, because the person who did the yelling does it quite often at others. And with Chase’s pads being torn and broken, he couldn’t practice.

But you know what? I think I did well. I didn’t yell back. I was nice. However, I did feel like I had to leave. I went so I could help out, but I figured it wasn’t worth it. I don’t like to be spoken to like that. Though I understand the speaker may not be aware, or really understand, what she is doing. And I like her anyway.

So I did step away, and the tears came. But they were really weird tears. Because inside I really felt okay. I knew myself, knew how I felt, knew what I had to do to take care of myself… I talked to some of the other girls, off to the side, who had already been yelled at, and commiserated with them a bit. I could laugh about it even while the tears were running out my eyes.

I’ve learned a lot over the last few years. I really like my friends I have in flyball now, and agility, and I’m so glad I’m doing this. No one that hasn’t experienced Anxiety can understand the thrill I feel that I actually have friends. Now that makes me cry. I mean look at me… I’m actually out there, taking the risk of getting yelled at, and making friends, even with my social and general anxiety. So really, tonight was a good step for me. It was an affirmation that I am doing what I want to do, handling it (okay not really too well, but I know that about myself), and moving on.

Woo Hoo.

So even though it was stressful, it was okay. And I came home early with the boys and am letting Chase rest, because the dogs are my number one priority.

I was looking for a better way to read my RSS feeds with Firefox. I love Firefox. This website is optimized for Firefox, as are all my sites and blogs.

Anyway, I was using Bloglines and I think I will keep that for my Do Follow RSS Feeds. But for quick feeds that I want to look at every day, I’m going to now use Sage.

It is light, and opens a left menu just like bookmarks or history. Very clean and very nice. And I love how the posts are displayed in my browser window.

Yup yup, I like it!

This is one of my favorite YouTube videos. Yes… I love John Barrowman.. and his alter ego, Captain Jack Harkess from Torchwood and Doctor Who. I just can’t wait for the next season of Torchwood but it’s not until next year!

Check this out… oooo