Apr 18 2007
I Gave a Training
Well, I survived. 
I knew with this new job I’d have to give trainings. I was really, really hoping that I wouldn’t have to, that it would just fade away.. as it has done in my past. But no good. I had to do it. I have to share in the burden. UGH.
But it wasn’t too bad. Of course I was nervous beforehand and at the beginning. And I know I talk too fast, and so I really had to slow myself down. And I don’t know the subject as well as I would like to, as well as I feel comfortable with. But I did okay. It was a short training, shorter than what I’ve watched my coworkers do, but it wasn’t all too bad. And really, I don’t have as much knowledge as they do to import to the students, and so realistically I shouldn’t feel dumb, I should just know that realistically I know less, and so have less to say, and as time goes by I’ll know more. And it’s all okay. Whew. I actually feel pretty good about it. I need to use it as an exposure. There can be up to 8 people in the class, but they gave me a small class of 3 to start, so that was nice.
It’s really weird to talk to people and have them not reply. And some faces are bored, some are frustrated, some are happy. I guess that’s normal. It’s all normal.
My coworker kept telling me to ‘use the stress’ as energy. I was like okay I’ll try.. but I have anxiety that is off the scale. That’s why I’m on meds and in therapy. But explaining that is near to impossible, and so I don’t really try.
Speaking of meds, I’m doing okay. The first week I thought I was getting nauseous and dizzy, but that could have been because I’d been out of town for 6 days before and was tired. Today was my first 50mg dose. I was on 25mg for the first 7 days. And I still think I’m okay.
I even think I have a bit of placebo effect, because I find myself thinking ‘I don’t have to be afraid anymore’. I don’t care if it’s real or placebo, just as long as my anxiety goes down a notch. It’s too high. I can’t work or so my hobbies with it so high.
*sigh*
So, I actually am feeling pretty good now.
