Mar 20 2007
The Fisher King
I watched the Fisher King the other day on TV. Such a good show. No idea why it didn’t get tons of awards of all kinds. Hard to watch, for sure, but so worth it. One of my all time favorite movies, and quite powerful and profound.
As I was watching I was thinking about that Red Knight. What a nasty guy he was. And how emotions really are, actually, more scary than that Red Knight. The fear, anxiety and even terror inside of us can be much more scary than that physical harm might suggest. I mean, in a movie, they can only represent the intense emotions visually… and the Red Knight was a good way to do it.
I have my own Red Knight, I have realized. In fact, much of the time now, I can separate my anxiety from my self. All my life I have let my anxiety define me. It’s a part of me. A part of who I am. Recently I have had glimpses of when the anxiety is not me. Instead, it’s a separate entity which lives inside of me, and I can sometimes feel that separateness.
And so I have been focusing on that, seeing that Red Demon, as I like to call it (because Knights are supposed to be good!), and being aware of when it surfaces. It is like a demon. Like a bad spirit that lives inside of me and comes to the forefront of my self when I don’t want it to.
I need to go talk to people at work in order to find out what it is they want, exactly. And when I even think about talking to people, the Red Demon starts to grow. The closer I get to talking, the stronger the demon force gets inside my chest. It’s a horrible feeling. It makes me stupid. It makes me freeze up. It makes decisions for me, decisions that I want to make myself. It’s a crutch, allowing me to do less than what I am capable of doing. Because surely, I’m not really all that good at anything, am I?
The Red Demon is inside me now, keeping me from doing what I know I should do… and work is important, truly it is. I must house myself, eat, and play with my dogs. I must!
On another note…
It’s odd that my site has a Alexa score of 15… I am attributing that to blogger.com. And a Page rank of 1.
And…
It really pisses me off that blogger combined with google. Stupid stupid stupid. I want my google and my blogger to be separate! Duh! And the ‘new and improved’ blogger had to wipe out my template, which had all my links and stuff on it. Pisses me off.
