Luna Tail

Woo Hoo!
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows is due on July 21, 2007.
I’m excited! They released the release date!

Oh my… now we get to find out what really is going to happen. :p I’m so excited!

And so it begins. Doing dog rescue… and my insides twisting up like a dish towel emptied of water.

It’s stressful. I knew it would be. I have to learn how to deal with it. I am in counseling again, and I’ve bought the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook, and the Relaxation and Stress workbook. I need them all desperately.

A normal, healthy person would be able to handle this stress just fine. I was going to place a dog, and the people backed out. And so every bell, whistle and siren goes off in my head.

Reading these books, I realize I have some nasty beliefs in my head. The first one that is always with me, is that there is something evil and horrible about me that people sense, and then don’t want to deal with me. I want to get rid of that belief. I need to be convinced that it is not true. But what if…

The second belief is that I MUST hold onto the worry and shame that I carry around with me like a cinder block. The only times I am free of this cinder block is when I’m watching TV or a movie. I can then let go and let the people on the screen feel what they are feeling, and I can observe their feelings and not feel my shame and anxiety. It’s almost as though I can feel what they are feeling. And it’s a relief, no wonder I love TV and movies so much.

And so I think that there is something wrong with me, something I did, that screwed it all up. But logically, I don’t think so. The application is long, yes, and in depth, but really not more than other adoption organizations. It’s a good application.

I am superstitious. I finally admitted this to myself last night. I do believe that what I think and feel greatly influences the outside world. I believe I can jinx things. I think these are also beliefs I need to throw out the window.

The cinder block of shame and anxiety, I think comes from my childhood. The only thing I remember of my childhood anymore is being critsized. And so I learned that I must be perfect… another belief that needs to go.

I really have no idea how to let go of these beliefs. I’ve been thinking them for 39 years. What am I supposed to believe instead?

And so I’m emotionally drained. Of course. Fortunately it’s not nearly as bad as it has been in the past. During horrible relationships that I was terrified would break apart. I never want to feel that again. I need to know I can handle anything. And I don’t think I can, another belief that I would like to change.

I have to let go. I have to just let go now and think about other things. Practice some relaxing breathing, know I am a good lovable person, and just be okay, let go and relax.

It’s all so difficult to do.