CynthiaGAH. I hate my SA. Hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it.
Did I mention how much I hate it?
Well, I do.
That stupid horrible tightening of the chest, which is just too hard to describe, keeps me from living my life. I get so afraid of talking to people about anything I think might be controversial. Might piss them off. Might make them disagree with me. And I have no control over this feeling. It just comes up in my chest and freezes me.
It’s making the dog rescue hard. I’m going to go back to 10 hour days in January, and I think during my day off I’m going to go find a therapist again. I hate this. I just feel like I’m going to get stomped on. Like someone is going to lash out at me and hammer me into the ground, or skewer me through the chest with a spike. Like my humiliation will overcome me. And I know it’s not logical anymore. So what if people don’t like me? So what if I piss someone off? WHO FREAKING CARES!? The people who are my true friends will still be… and those who are not can just go to hell.
It’s hard to concentrate about not feeling these things. I don’t know if there are any therapists around here that specialize in SA that are on my insurance, but I guess I’d need to CALL and INTERVIEW them to see if they work for ME, instead of crawling in on my belly and wondering if they’ll want to have anything to do with me…
On this day..
- Bye Bye 2008, Hello 2009 - 2008
- Moving the Server takes FOREVER - 2007
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