CynthiaBeen thinking about my personality lately and realizing that I really don’t like how I act around others very much.
I seem to have two different personalities.
One is the submissive door-mat personality from my old codependent days. The ‘yes-woman’ personality, where I agree with everyone and think only like the person I’m around, as though I have no thoughts of my own and just suck in the other person’s.
The Other is my snotty personality. The snotty personality seems to be the opposite of the door-mat personality. I get a snotty tone of voice, I talk badly about people, and I complain a lot. I’m not usually rude while in this personality, not to the people I’m with, but I’m snotty and I don’t like myself when I am like this.
Yes, this is black and white.. and hopefully I have a basic middle-of-the-road personality I can encourage to come out in the future. Around people, with my SA, I automatically kick into one of these two personalities and I find myself not liking myself at all.
When I’m alone or with my husband, I don’t even think about it. I just am me and sometimes I’m snotty but I’m never a door-mat. 
Even when I’m talking and in either mode, I know in the back of my head that I don’t like what I’m saying or how I am acting. It’s an odd feeling. Like the real me is back there disapproving or something.
So I have two choices. I either change myself to something I like, or I like what I am. Both are difficult. I don’t know how to do either. I think liking what I am is easier. Maybe I have a third choice, maybe my watching personality needs to just accept who I am and be okay with both the door-mat and the snot. Maybe it’s my watching personality that is the problem child. I don’t know if anyone else even notices these two personalities. I should ask the husband, and see what he thinks. He does notice when I get really stressed how my voice goes monotone. It’s weird.
Life is weird.
On this day..
- Dreaming of a New Template - 2007
| 3.1 |
Loading ...
