CynthiaLife is just scary.
I don’t post much here because, well… because I have Social Anxiety. And I get these really good ideas and then I play with them for a while, then I get afraid of them and just want to hide.
It’s Christmas. Christmas is a good time of year. Fortunately I have good childhood memories of Christmas. Fortunately no one ever died, or was shot, or yelled at me or abused me over Christmas. Instead my parents put on their happy faces. Their cheery masks. And so everything was nice and happy and wonderful over Christmas.
I wish most days were like Christmas. But they are not. Most days when I was a kid were filled with bickering and the most awful tone of voice you could imagine. To this day that certain tone of voice is like a knife down my spine. I’m so super reactive and super sensitive to it. I hate it. Today, as an adult, I can leave. I found out through CoDA that if a situation is bad for me, I can just leave. What a novel concept. I never knew that before. I thought I had to just sit and take whatever was dished out at me. I’m so glad I can just LEAVE.
Anyway, looks like I will be working a new job soon. I wish I could handle stress better. Overall it will be good. There will be some aspects that will be worse than my current job, such as having to answer phones and talk to users. But I answered phones and talked to clients for almost 9.5 years when I worked in Welfare. You can’t get much worse than that. As long as I don’t have women yelling at me because they can’t feed their children I’ll be fine. And I handled that fine. My work was always up to date and if they had their papers in to me, they had their food stamps.
I was at that job for 9 years 4 months. I’ve been at this job for just 9 years. So I guess it’s my changing time. 9 more and I can retire… less than that, I hope. If they don’t take our pensions away, which they very well could. This world, this country, is falling apart. It gets worse and worse every year. I guess death won’t be so bad, then, getting to see what is after. This world sure doesn’t have all that much to offer. And we her e in the US of A are the lucky ones. Super lucky for sure.
So anyway, life goes on. I am going to a pod-cycling training session tonight. I was invited by a lady who I really really like and I’d like to be her friend. It’s weird, being invited. I mean… I have a self image of being a geek and a nerd. Being an outcast. And so it’s strange to me still when I’m not.
I just wish I could handle stress better. The stress of conflict. Of confrontation. I’m awful at that. The worst thing about changing jobs is going to be telling my current boss that I’m leaving. I hope he’s not too terribly mad. 
I hate making people mad. I have to repeat to myself over and over again, it’s okay if others are mad at me or don’t like me. It’s okay. In the real world I can be myself and some people will like me. I have it in my head that if I’m really me, then no one at all will like me. And again maybe I shouldn’t care, but I do want some people to like me. :p
On this day..
- Tin Man - 2007
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