Luna Tail

Oh, and happy new year. :p

GAH. I hate my SA. Hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it.

Did I mention how much I hate it?

Well, I do.

That stupid horrible tightening of the chest, which is just too hard to describe, keeps me from living my life. I get so afraid of talking to people about anything I think might be controversial. Might piss them off. Might make them disagree with me. And I have no control over this feeling. It just comes up in my chest and freezes me.

It’s making the dog rescue hard. I’m going to go back to 10 hour days in January, and I think during my day off I’m going to go find a therapist again. I hate this. I just feel like I’m going to get stomped on. Like someone is going to lash out at me and hammer me into the ground, or skewer me through the chest with a spike. Like my humiliation will overcome me. And I know it’s not logical anymore. So what if people don’t like me? So what if I piss someone off? WHO FREAKING CARES!? The people who are my true friends will still be… and those who are not can just go to hell.

It’s hard to concentrate about not feeling these things. I don’t know if there are any therapists around here that specialize in SA that are on my insurance, but I guess I’d need to CALL and INTERVIEW them to see if they work for ME, instead of crawling in on my belly and wondering if they’ll want to have anything to do with me…

I am extending myself… I have made a decision to do something that is going to push myself both mentally and emotionally. And put my SA to the test.

Dog Rescue.
I’ve started a rescue with help from a friend who does a different rescue. This is going to entail dealing with a lot of people, and telling them, in some cases, things they don’t want to hear.

It’s going to include picking up dogs from people who no longer want them. And I don’t know what to say, really… how can you give up your dog? I would never give up my dog. But I would, sad to say, give up my cats. I have never bonded with the cats, and them being gone would just be two less things to worry about, feed, and pay for. The husband, however, is bonded to the cats. But not me. So I cannot really judge people for giving up their dogs, can I? Since I would give up the cats since I have not bonded to them. So I will try to accept, even where I have a hard time understanding.

Maybe I need to leave judgment and understanding behind.

Regardless, it will be a stretch. More so than any other thing I do, including pod cycling and dealing with the people there. It will be stressful and trying. Fortunately the breed I am going to be helping with is fairly rare, so hopefully there will not be so many to deal with. The people will be the hard part. The dogs are easy. Dogs are so much easier than people.

So last night I was in door-mat mode as I picked a dog up from his exhome and dropped him off at his new foster home. I was nice and polite, but the 3rd me sat in the back of my brain and didn’t like how I talked. Well, I do my best. I was kind and polite and just fine.

Really, I don’t know who I am. I would like to.

We’ll have to see how this works out. I figure worst comes to worst and I can back out if I need to. I won’t go into debt or crowd out my house, so setting boundaries and saying no will be a big part of this. Both things I definitely need practice to learn well.

It’s gonna be hard. I hope it’s as rewarding.

Been thinking about my personality lately and realizing that I really don’t like how I act around others very much.

I seem to have two different personalities.

One is the submissive door-mat personality from my old codependent days. The ‘yes-woman’ personality, where I agree with everyone and think only like the person I’m around, as though I have no thoughts of my own and just suck in the other person’s.

The Other is my snotty personality. The snotty personality seems to be the opposite of the door-mat personality. I get a snotty tone of voice, I talk badly about people, and I complain a lot. I’m not usually rude while in this personality, not to the people I’m with, but I’m snotty and I don’t like myself when I am like this.

Yes, this is black and white.. and hopefully I have a basic middle-of-the-road personality I can encourage to come out in the future. Around people, with my SA, I automatically kick into one of these two personalities and I find myself not liking myself at all.

When I’m alone or with my husband, I don’t even think about it. I just am me and sometimes I’m snotty but I’m never a door-mat.

Even when I’m talking and in either mode, I know in the back of my head that I don’t like what I’m saying or how I am acting. It’s an odd feeling. Like the real me is back there disapproving or something.

So I have two choices. I either change myself to something I like, or I like what I am. Both are difficult. I don’t know how to do either. I think liking what I am is easier. Maybe I have a third choice, maybe my watching personality needs to just accept who I am and be okay with both the door-mat and the snot. Maybe it’s my watching personality that is the problem child. I don’t know if anyone else even notices these two personalities. I should ask the husband, and see what he thinks. He does notice when I get really stressed how my voice goes monotone. It’s weird.

Life is weird.

Is it really possible to believe, with my whole heart, to the core of my being.. that people will like me for who I am? Will stay around even if I say stupid things? Will be loyal and faithful friends?

Can I really count on that? Or do I always have to be prepared deep down that people will leave?

Am I really worth being loved?

Life is just scary.

I don’t post much here because, well… because I have Social Anxiety. And I get these really good ideas and then I play with them for a while, then I get afraid of them and just want to hide.

It’s Christmas. Christmas is a good time of year. Fortunately I have good childhood memories of Christmas. Fortunately no one ever died, or was shot, or yelled at me or abused me over Christmas. Instead my parents put on their happy faces. Their cheery masks. And so everything was nice and happy and wonderful over Christmas.

I wish most days were like Christmas. But they are not. Most days when I was a kid were filled with bickering and the most awful tone of voice you could imagine. To this day that certain tone of voice is like a knife down my spine. I’m so super reactive and super sensitive to it. I hate it. Today, as an adult, I can leave. I found out through CoDA that if a situation is bad for me, I can just leave. What a novel concept. I never knew that before. I thought I had to just sit and take whatever was dished out at me. I’m so glad I can just LEAVE.

Anyway, looks like I will be working a new job soon. I wish I could handle stress better. Overall it will be good. There will be some aspects that will be worse than my current job, such as having to answer phones and talk to users. But I answered phones and talked to clients for almost 9.5 years when I worked in Welfare. You can’t get much worse than that. As long as I don’t have women yelling at me because they can’t feed their children I’ll be fine. And I handled that fine. My work was always up to date and if they had their papers in to me, they had their food stamps.

I was at that job for 9 years 4 months. I’ve been at this job for just 9 years. So I guess it’s my changing time. 9 more and I can retire… less than that, I hope. If they don’t take our pensions away, which they very well could. This world, this country, is falling apart. It gets worse and worse every year. I guess death won’t be so bad, then, getting to see what is after. This world sure doesn’t have all that much to offer. And we her e in the US of A are the lucky ones. Super lucky for sure.

So anyway, life goes on. I am going to a pod-cycling training session tonight. I was invited by a lady who I really really like and I’d like to be her friend. It’s weird, being invited. I mean… I have a self image of being a geek and a nerd. Being an outcast. And so it’s strange to me still when I’m not.

I just wish I could handle stress better. The stress of conflict. Of confrontation. I’m awful at that. The worst thing about changing jobs is going to be telling my current boss that I’m leaving. I hope he’s not too terribly mad.

I hate making people mad. I have to repeat to myself over and over again, it’s okay if others are mad at me or don’t like me. It’s okay. In the real world I can be myself and some people will like me. I have it in my head that if I’m really me, then no one at all will like me. And again maybe I shouldn’t care, but I do want some people to like me. :p

Well, we have it.
I’m still a bit stunned by the sticker shock. Goodness I can’t believe people, and now us, pay so much for TV each month. My my. Ouch. Well, I won’t say how much, but it’s too much, really. All for the ability to pause/record/fast forward live TV and watch the Sci Fi Channel. :p Actually, I also like the USA network. TNT is also nice.

The installer came late last night, 5:30. They were going to ditch us and reschedule for the 12th.. but I found this wonderful message board, Satellite Guys, and they were able to set me up with an email that got me to a person who hassled the local installers and got them to come out last night. Yay, no waiting until the 12th.

I watched Heroes in HD, wow it was super nice. And the sound was excellent. It was late so I didn’t play with the new Dish too much, I plan on doing so tonight. After I buy a new hair dryer since I broke my drying my mattress

Oh don’t ask.