Nov 15 2006
Falling Back into Patterns
Well, I believe I’m falling back into a negative pattern. Could maybe even be considered destructive. The opposite of my codependency. I go in waves, it seems. For some years I’m codependent and cannot live without someone, and then I fall into the other side, where I just only want to be alone and have nothing to do with any other human in the world. I still want to be with my dogs. 
I begin to hold all humans in contempt and spurn (transitive verb – 2nd Def) their company. All company. I start dreading to the core of my being leaving my house to interact with humans, even though when I do I have a good time. I think it’s a mix of my social anxiety along with the complete opposite of my codependency. It churns and bubbles inside me and comes out as this dread.
That does make a lot of sense, now that I write it down. I would like to do something about it now that I recognize it. Not sure what. Maybe just write about it a bit and try not to let it overwhelm me and damage my relationships. 
It’s kinda like my codependency is something sweet. One of those overly sweet things like frosting. And I indulge myself in it until I’m completely sick. So to compensate I overindulge in something salty, the desire to be alone. Which I then overdose on and again go back to the sweet. Guess I need to break the cycle.
I think it’s part of my attachment disorder, too.
