Nov 13 2006
Up and Down and Cravings
Well, I feel better now. No more PMS for a couple of weeks anyway. Yes the VAC helps but doesn’t get totally rid of it. So I ride the pendulum of being a woman. And to hell with everyone that says ‘enjoy your cycle’, that’s a load of bull crap. I’ll tell ya. It’s stupid. My cycle is pain and misery and anger and hate. I’m never going to be able to ‘enjoy’ that for as long as I live.
My social anxiety and eating patterns flare up and change with each cycle change, too. I was doing so well eating last week, the pounds were dropping again… but over the weekend my cravings just skyrocketed. Cravings are so stupid. My body doesn’t need the ice cream. My body doesn’t need the extra pounds I’m carrying around. But my body also has these major cravings for these foods. So Saturday and Sunday I gave in and ate some bad things. Of course my weight is back up again. Still not bad, 153, but I want to get down to that 148 again and stay there! Ugh.
And of course my social anxiety also changes. I just get used to handling it with my PMS and then I have to learn to handle it without my PMS all over again. Each month I have to rediscover how to handle these changes all over again. I don’t have a very good emotional memory of it. I don’t have a very good memory period. 
And so I get nervous and shy again. I get stuck in these thinking and behaving patterns. Really, I know that I shouldn’t be afraid of people. People can’t hurt me. People won’t hurt me. And so what if some people don’t like me. I’m so sensitive to how people act toward me, right or wrong. I want to be solid within myself, be me, instead of a leaf in the wind.
SA just sucks. PMS sucks. Loosing weight sucks. But I guess if I didn’t have these problems I’d have other problems to deal with. I think, really, if I could have any problem, it wouldn’t be SA. I’d chose just about anything other than SA. 
