Luna Tail

Today is Halloween. As a kid I hated Halloween. Never had a good costume. But now I do. Though I’ll probably wear the same costume for the next few years, no matter, it’s fun. I’m going to create a page with my picture and where I got all the parts. Yes, I’m a Ravenclaw. Born to be Ravenclaw!

Now I like Halloween. It is a fun holiday and I guess it’s getting more and more popular. I like to decorate for it too. I even have a costume for Levi, but haven’t put it on him recently. He’s Zorro!

I even watched Sleepy Hollow on Friday. I don’t like scary movies, but wanted to get into the spirit. However, I didn’t find it all that scary anyway! Good show, though, and I do like Johnny Depp. Can’t go wrong there.
And this month is this blog’s first year anniversary. Scary. I have been blogging here a year.  Strange stuff.  No one ever reads my rambling, I’m rather boring I’m sure, but oh well. It’s fun anyway!

There are too many humans in the world.
I’ve been trying to find some decent news that reflects the true state of the world. Free Press, Real News.. yadda yadda. Well, I’ve come to believe that whatever you want to read, it’s out there. So I guess I’m trying to find the real news for me. What I believe is out there. Being a flaming liberal I want liberal news that supports an open mind and what I believe to be the cold, hard truth.

I’ve actually found a couple of them. One that I like is Guerrilla News.

This is an interesting article. I’m linking directly to the source, Humans Could Use Two Earths by MSNBC staff and news service reports.

Humans are using up the earth. I wonder what the collapse of the USA will look like. And yes, I do think the USA will have a political collapse. Not sure when or how, but we are digging ourselves into a financial hole and basically killing the planet. In the apathetic long-term observation of species, I find it interesting to note how humanity has covered the earth and used up so many resources, too many, and how we will evolve economically, socially, and environmentally in the next while. It’s an interesting time to live. Where will the human race go? Will we kill ourselves off? Do many developing species kill themselves off? I wonder if we’ll ever know. I’m curious. There are other species out there on other planets, it’s guaranteed and I have no doubt in my mind about it. I just wonder if they’ve been able to survive.

Personally, I hope the USA doesn’t collapse any time soon. I want my comfy job, I want my comfy house, and the real and only reason is because I want my dogs to be safe. If I didn’t have a job or a place to live, I’d have to still protect my dogs, feed them, house them, etc. I am their guardian. They deserve the best life possible. They are as children and need to be protected as such. And if the USA collapses, many people will revert to taking care of humans, and only humans, and screw the rest of the animals. However, to me, non-human animals have just as much value as human. Especially my dogs. They are as human to me as any other human is.

People just don’t understand the intensity of Social Anxiety!! Ugh!!!

I’m sick. I’ve been sick since June. I’m sick, okay? Don’t you believe me? Doesn’t anyone believe me? Why wouldn’t anyone believe me?

Fine.. don’t believe me. I have no proof. Nope, not one shred. I don’t have a fever or a rash or boils popping out of my skin. I don’t have a runny nose or a sneeze or any sort of infection. And so, no proof. Which means people will doubt me and stare at me and snicker and put me down. Because I don’t have any proof.

I was thinking today that I might be feeling sick because I now have responsiblity at work. I am actually one of the important people. And now that I have more responsibility, I have more pressure.

And really I hate pressure. I’ve always been a slacker. I never studied in school, always got by with Cs and didn’t much care. My self-image is that of a slacker. I have gotten used to that self-image and comfortable with it.

Yes… I have always had a secret desire to want to be important, play a critical role. And yet doing so seems to have dragged my system down into the dumps. My SA and general anxiety go to town. I sit in meetings and talk like I know what I’m talking about (and most of the time I actually do, which really does freak me out).

My neck aches and my throat hurts and I just want to sit on my ass and knit and watch TV and sleep. I have a pressure between my eyes.

I just needed to talk about it a little bit. Just a bit. I used to be so quiet they would tease me at work that I’d have to stand up and say ‘Yo’ every hour just so people knew I was there. That is my self image. And now I’m being doing and acting other than that. And I really don’t think I know how to cope with these changes.

Maybe I just am sick. But sick for four months? That is a long time. The regular docs have no clue. Thought I had a sinus infection and put me on antibiotics. So at camp I was fine… but now that I’m back to work I’m not fine anymore. I wish I could just take a couple of months off work and hide in my house with all the windows closed so no one can see me.

I’m up for scrutiny now. My work, my deeds, my very self, is on the line. Logically I know I’m fine… but I think there is a deep dark lonely terrified part of me that really has no clue what I’m playing at, making friends, doing good work, and being important.

I never was important before.

Okay, I’m back from Dog Camp. Oh my gosh, it was amazing. Wonderful. The most fun I’ve had in a long time. My dogs were so tired and so sore afterwards they slept for days. My border collie’s feet were so worn down and raw from the sand and the running. But he had fun and he healed up just fine when we got back. I didn’t want to hold him back, I thought he can still have fun and rest when we get home. My collie also had a great time, though didn’t run amok quite as much. He was tired and happy at the end too.

The most important part was… I made a friend. I don’t think that has happened for… more years than I can remember. I met a girl and she was great, and we just clicked. We chatted and too into account what the other was doing so we could do things together. We ate meals together like we’d been friends for years. I kept my SA in check and no one even knew I had it.

I surprised myself.

I think I did so good because I knew it was temporary, and these folk wouldn’t really get to know me to find out anything bad about me and stop liking me. But then… making a new friend means we will keep in touch, right? And we are. Emails, and she even called me! Wow, that was fun. It makes me terrible nervous at the same time, but it makes me happy, too.

I really don’t know the rules of friends… how often you talk, or what you do together, or what is okay to talk about… and is it okay to look for your friend in a crowd to hang out with them. I really had to consciously think about these things. I haven’t had a good girlfriend since High School. Oh sure I have some I hang out with at work… but it’s kinda awkward sometimes. I don’t even know why. Except that maybe because I’m always afraid she’s going to find something in me that is rotten and she won’t like. Or she’ll really know how much I don’t know… and it’ll end up badly.

I dunno. Anyway, having a new friend is wonderful. I feel really really good about it!