CynthiaOne of the things that I’ve only recently been able to do for myself… is standing up for myself.
Today I got so pissed off at my boss. He implied my code was messing something up. And he knows it’s not. I know it’s not. It has to be changed, sure, but to put me on the defensive by saying the sky is falling is completely out of line!
I got mad at him.
I hardly get mad at anyone… well, anyone but the husband. He I am comfortable enough to get mad at.
So the things I’ve read come back to me. Women are not supposed to get mad. Means I’m a bitch. Means something is wrong with me. I’m expecting the deep all-consuming humiliation and shame to finger into every cell of my body, reduce me to tears, and make me feel like I’m the most abhorrent worthless peice of slime that has ever walked the planet.
It will probably hit me tonight while I’m in bed attempting to fall asleep. But then I won’t be able to fall asleep. Instead I’ll be stewing about it.
This job has given me something that I’ve never had before. Even if I am paid an outrageously low amount compared to some coworkers who do shit for code, and I do a great job. (And I’m not exaggerating about that, believe me or not as you see fit.) Anyway, this job has given me confidence. This job has allowed me to believe that I can actually be good at something. It’s a very, very, super odd feeling. I’ve never had it before. Never. Not once in my life about anything.
Well, except knitting. Damn, I can knit. I have a talent for it. 
Everything I learned to do as a child I’m shit at. Seriously. I get a feeling of horribleness I can hardly describe. If I try to cook, clean, wash clothes, or even work with my dogs, a phobia reaches it’s way up my spine and shuts my brain off. Fills me up with emotional turmoil and I cannot think. Yes, thank you very much Mom and Dad.
Programming I can do. I’m fairly good at it. I take the initiative and I find solutions (thank the gods for google). I could be better, but I’m one of the strongest coders on my team. And I can knit. I started in 2005, and by gum, I’m damn good. I have a talent. I can knit, purl and cable. I hope to learn how to do more. It’s completely fun and there is no stress attached to it.
And so my old codependent brain would have told me… I owe this job, I should just do whatever I’m told and not get mad. My newly trained codependent brain, the books I’ve read, and my therapist, tell me that I can still demand my due. DAMMIT! What is my due? What am I worth?
I don’t know. Seriously I don’t. But, I am worth a hell of a lot more than I used to think I was. And I probably am worth more than I still think I am.
And so I have to sit here and repeat to myself… I’m worth it. I’m worth it… I’m worth it.. and hope like hell that it sinks in so I start believing it. I do think I’ve started to believe it…
On this day..
- Sleeping in the Trailer - 2008
- Quails on the Roof - 2007
- Making a Humidifier - 2007
- Jogging - 2007
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It can be so frustrating to realize that you know more about your job than your boss, and yet they have the gall to tell you you’re doing it wrong. I hit that myself the other day doing some html coding. I know what I’m doing. I know what the limits on the system are. I know what we can do and what we cannot. And one of my bosses simply would not listen. After going around and around, the other boss (the BIG boss) stepped in and stopped the whole, and since then he has emailed me to say that I basically have final decision on this matter, so that’s all good. But it was still a major pain in the ass! I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself. The more you can do that, the less you will actually have to, as people will learn that you are not a push-over.
It can be so frustrating to realize that you know more about your job than your boss, and yet they have the gall to tell you you're doing it wrong. I hit that myself the other day doing some html coding. <b>I</b> know what I'm doing. <b>I</b> know what the limits on the system are. <b>I</b> know what we can do and what we cannot. And one of my bosses simply would not listen. After going around and around, the other boss (the BIG boss) stepped in and stopped the whole, and since then he has emailed me to say that I basically have final decision on this matter, so that's all good. But it was still a major pain in the ass! I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself. The more you can do that, the less you will actually have to, as people will learn that you are <b>not</b> a push-over.
That is great that the Big Boss gave you the control! Sometimes people get a clue.
Yeah… that is true, the more I stand up for myself the more people will lean. We teach others how to treat us, right? I learned that in CoDA.
That is great that the Big Boss gave you the control! Sometimes people get a clue. ;)<br/><br/>Yeah… that is true, the more I stand up for myself the more people will lean. We teach others how to treat us, right? I learned that in CoDA.