Luna Tail

Today, I feel like an idiot. I don’t just feel like I’m an idiot, I know I’m an idiot. To the very core of my being.

I try hard to stop those thoughts and feelings. People say… self talk is very important. But the feelings inside of me are of shame, guilt, and humiliation… and idiocy, and so my self talk reflects this.

I have also heard and read that if I can turn my self talk around, I can turn the feelings around. I guess it’s not an overnight thing like I want it to be, though.

My last post I was quite in a positive state of mind. Today, not so much. I’m tired this weekend, though. I had to work Friday night, then went to a dog agility competition all weekend. Saturday I was half asleep, having been woken up at 1 am to work for an hour. That just kills me anymore. And I do realize that when I am in a weakened state my SA is much, much worse. When I’m healthy and have had good sleep and good food, then I my SA is much less. My work went well, though, I didn’t screw anything up, but I had to have a coworker take over during the day Saturday so I could deliver food to the PC competition. I was in charge of that.

I felt so exposed at the competition. I feel like my chest is open, and people can see the rot inside there. That seriously is what I feel like. They can see the shame and humiliation I live with. They look in there, and shudder, then look me in the face and ask my how I can live like that… oh, no they don’t seriously do that. But it feels like they do that.

Good gods where did I learn this feeling. I couldn’t shake it this weekend. Sometimes I can shake it off, and know my worth as a human being is high. But this weekend I couldn’t. And I didn’t do a good job at the competition, either.

And I think I screwed up one of my cycle’s again. I’ve been trying to fix it, but when I get stressed my brain shuts off and I knock the wheels out of alignment again. And if I keep doing it, the poor thing is going to be too crooked to ever really fix. And I know I don’t practice enough at home, but practicing scares me. I come home from work and I feel fear in my chest and I don’t know why. Because I really enjoy it so much… or I can enjoy it so much, but then I think I have so much to do, and I freak myself out and I get too nervous and I just don’t do anything but watch TV.

So I sit here and I’m really trying to shake off the humiliation I’m still feeling. But I don’t know how to do it today. I’m still tired and in a bit of a weakened state, I think. Maybe I should just go to bed and get a good night of sleep. Sometimes it takes me a couple of days to catch up after a night of interrupted sleep.

I don’t want to be an idiot. I want to be valued and loved and smart and good. Valued. Value. I want to have value. Something deep inside me does not feel as though I have value unless I do certain things… unless I am a certain way. Perfectionism, maybe. CoDA meetings told me that people with Codependency tend to be perfectionists, too, and since I’m not perfect, I’m not valued.

I don’t know. I’m trying to figure out what goes on in side my head and body. That is what this blog is for. To try to learn and get better.

I’m 39 years old. I don’t want to be 70 and have SA.

On this day..

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