Luna Tail

Saturday, September 2, I am going on vacation. By myself with my dogs.

I’m going to dog camp. It’s a long drive… and it’s going to be with a bunch of people who I don’t know and have never met.

I’m terrified.

The dog part will be great. Maybe I can request no other people being there?

I hope to practice a lot of activities, and maybe swim a bit, and go hiking. It should be a lot of fun. For normal people.

If only I could stop smiling so much! I smile and laugh when I’m nervous, and I really think it makes me look stupid. Like an idiot. But if I try to stop, then I feel cold or unnatural. It’s a hard choice. The smiling and laughing is more practiced. Though I do it much less than I used to when I was younger.

Hrmph. My boss asked me today if I would be interested in his job if he left. HA HA HA. I take that as an enormous compliment, like he thinks I would be able to do it. I would… except the people part. I would not want to manage people. He also told me my code was a work of art. Yup, same code that was so screwed up a couple weeks ago the whole world was falling to pieces.

Gotta love it. He’s a great guy. He was having bad day.

OHmygosh.

I guess I’m not a horrible person. Okay, I know I’m not, but when talking to another, the bad thoughts come in and I act strange and then I think maybe they think I’m bad. If only I didn’t act strange.. this SA wouldn’t be so bad.

Anyway, a girl who does Pod Cycling invited me to carpool to a seminar next year. Ack! I really like her a lot and would love to be friends with her. However, my throat gets tight, my chest constricts, and I think oh my, what will we talk about in a car for 12 hours each way?

And so the SA saga continues… man, I need that workbook. Hrmph.

One of the things that I’ve only recently been able to do for myself… is standing up for myself.

Today I got so pissed off at my boss. He implied my code was messing something up. And he knows it’s not. I know it’s not. It has to be changed, sure, but to put me on the defensive by saying the sky is falling is completely out of line!

I got mad at him.

I hardly get mad at anyone… well, anyone but the husband. He I am comfortable enough to get mad at.

So the things I’ve read come back to me. Women are not supposed to get mad. Means I’m a bitch. Means something is wrong with me. I’m expecting the deep all-consuming humiliation and shame to finger into every cell of my body, reduce me to tears, and make me feel like I’m the most abhorrent worthless peice of slime that has ever walked the planet.

It will probably hit me tonight while I’m in bed attempting to fall asleep. But then I won’t be able to fall asleep. Instead I’ll be stewing about it.

This job has given me something that I’ve never had before. Even if I am paid an outrageously low amount compared to some coworkers who do shit for code, and I do a great job. (And I’m not exaggerating about that, believe me or not as you see fit.) Anyway, this job has given me confidence. This job has allowed me to believe that I can actually be good at something. It’s a very, very, super odd feeling. I’ve never had it before. Never. Not once in my life about anything.

Well, except knitting. Damn, I can knit. I have a talent for it.

Everything I learned to do as a child I’m shit at. Seriously. I get a feeling of horribleness I can hardly describe. If I try to cook, clean, wash clothes, or even work with my dogs, a phobia reaches it’s way up my spine and shuts my brain off. Fills me up with emotional turmoil and I cannot think. Yes, thank you very much Mom and Dad.

Programming I can do. I’m fairly good at it. I take the initiative and I find solutions (thank the gods for google). I could be better, but I’m one of the strongest coders on my team. And I can knit. I started in 2005, and by gum, I’m damn good. I have a talent. I can knit, purl and cable. I hope to learn how to do more. It’s completely fun and there is no stress attached to it.

And so my old codependent brain would have told me… I owe this job, I should just do whatever I’m told and not get mad. My newly trained codependent brain, the books I’ve read, and my therapist, tell me that I can still demand my due. DAMMIT! What is my due? What am I worth?

I don’t know. Seriously I don’t. But, I am worth a hell of a lot more than I used to think I was. And I probably am worth more than I still think I am.

And so I have to sit here and repeat to myself… I’m worth it. I’m worth it… I’m worth it.. and hope like hell that it sinks in so I start believing it. I do think I’ve started to believe it…

Efficacy: The power to produce an effect.

Efficiency: The quality or degree of being efficient.

Efficient: 1 : Being or involving the immediate agent in producing an effect -the efficient action of heat in hanging water to steam-.
2 : productive of desired effects; especially : productive without waste -an efficient worker-

—————-
So basically it’s “The power to produce an effect” vs “Productive of desired effects”….

Hmm… not sure the difference between Efficacy and Efficiency, even reading these back to back. =P

Today, I feel like an idiot. I don’t just feel like I’m an idiot, I know I’m an idiot. To the very core of my being.

I try hard to stop those thoughts and feelings. People say… self talk is very important. But the feelings inside of me are of shame, guilt, and humiliation… and idiocy, and so my self talk reflects this.

I have also heard and read that if I can turn my self talk around, I can turn the feelings around. I guess it’s not an overnight thing like I want it to be, though.

My last post I was quite in a positive state of mind. Today, not so much. I’m tired this weekend, though. I had to work Friday night, then went to a dog agility competition all weekend. Saturday I was half asleep, having been woken up at 1 am to work for an hour. That just kills me anymore. And I do realize that when I am in a weakened state my SA is much, much worse. When I’m healthy and have had good sleep and good food, then I my SA is much less. My work went well, though, I didn’t screw anything up, but I had to have a coworker take over during the day Saturday so I could deliver food to the PC competition. I was in charge of that.

I felt so exposed at the competition. I feel like my chest is open, and people can see the rot inside there. That seriously is what I feel like. They can see the shame and humiliation I live with. They look in there, and shudder, then look me in the face and ask my how I can live like that… oh, no they don’t seriously do that. But it feels like they do that.

Good gods where did I learn this feeling. I couldn’t shake it this weekend. Sometimes I can shake it off, and know my worth as a human being is high. But this weekend I couldn’t. And I didn’t do a good job at the competition, either.

And I think I screwed up one of my cycle’s again. I’ve been trying to fix it, but when I get stressed my brain shuts off and I knock the wheels out of alignment again. And if I keep doing it, the poor thing is going to be too crooked to ever really fix. And I know I don’t practice enough at home, but practicing scares me. I come home from work and I feel fear in my chest and I don’t know why. Because I really enjoy it so much… or I can enjoy it so much, but then I think I have so much to do, and I freak myself out and I get too nervous and I just don’t do anything but watch TV.

So I sit here and I’m really trying to shake off the humiliation I’m still feeling. But I don’t know how to do it today. I’m still tired and in a bit of a weakened state, I think. Maybe I should just go to bed and get a good night of sleep. Sometimes it takes me a couple of days to catch up after a night of interrupted sleep.

I don’t want to be an idiot. I want to be valued and loved and smart and good. Valued. Value. I want to have value. Something deep inside me does not feel as though I have value unless I do certain things… unless I am a certain way. Perfectionism, maybe. CoDA meetings told me that people with Codependency tend to be perfectionists, too, and since I’m not perfect, I’m not valued.

I don’t know. I’m trying to figure out what goes on in side my head and body. That is what this blog is for. To try to learn and get better.

I’m 39 years old. I don’t want to be 70 and have SA.

I told my husband recently that I am a member of the Wacko Minority.

What does this mean, you might ask?

Well it means I disagree with mainstream things. And being a liberal, I also long for change.

However, in a nutshell, I differ from the mainstream by these four main points:

1. I’m a vegetarian
2. I much dislike the mainstream view that PMS is all in my head or can be treated with The Pill.
3. I feed my dogs a raw, species appropriate diet
4. I don’t want my dogs to be vaccinated anymore

To expand…

1. I have been vegetarian since … oh gads, 15 years ago. When was that? 1991. I thought 1992 but I’ve been saying 15 years this year so I guess it was 1991. Since then whenever I mention this to people, instantly I have a label stuck on me and I’m put into a group. Oh well. I feel it’s species appropriate for me. But this change, this paradigm shift that basically changed my life back then, opened my mind up to more changes.

2. For years I fought PMS. Not until this year did I find help. Vitex Agnus Castus. Chastetree berry. Good gods it’s a life saver. You can read more about it on my PMS page.

3. July 2006 I started feeding my dogs raw food. Discovering that kibble is just processed junk. I don’t eat processed junk, why would I feed it into my dogs? It can cause cancer and other bad long term problems. Thus… this makes me a wacko minority. So does number 1 (number two is not really wacko minority but it’s definitely alternative medicine).

4. Been reading up on vaccinations. Interesting things out there about them. I still don’t know the entire story. Not sure I ever will. Since I’m like Gilligan and I agree with both the Professor and the Skipper whence listening to arguments (yes, I’ll always be overcoming my codependency issues), it’s hard for me to see which side I want to listen to. But with knowldedge, patience, and information, hopefully I’ll gather what I need to make an informed decision.

The thing I won’t do, refuse to do, is stick my head in the sand. I want knowlege, and I want to know the truth. Granted there are probably many things in my life I haven’t gotten the whole scoop on, but when it comes to my health and the health of my animals, I will find out. Dammit.

Wish the husband would also be healthy, but my ongoing recovery from codependency teaches me to realize him, being human, means he can make his own decision.

I’m in a good place today.

I haven’t written in a while, I haven’t had too many bouts of SA, which has been nice, though it’s always in the back of my mind. Perhaps writing has already helped me a lot.

I was just looking at a picture of myself with one of my dogs. And you know, that is exactly how I’ve always wanted to look.

I’ve always wanted to be a granola girl. Cute, fit, smart, active. And know what? I am all those things. I’m 39, which is no longer young, but that’s okay. Can’t be young forever. But I’m still attractive, blonde hair and blue eyes. I recently lost 25 pounds, so I’m fairly fit. And I with my baseball cap on, and my dogs around me, hiking or running or whatever… yup, I’m look like what I’ve always wanted to look like.

And so I should be more confident. I also have abilities I’ve always wanted. I’m fairly smart. I’m good with computers, learning how to be better with dogs. I can learn fairly quickly. Some things are hard, some things not as hard.

So I really wish I knew… I wish I just knew, that I am okay. All the way to the core of my being. I lack that conviction. Maybe it will come, in time. Maybe I’m building it up every day. I hope so. I think that is more valuable than money to have. Though money is security… but then again, if I have self-worth, the money should always be there, right?

I’m going camping this weekend, I hope it doesn’t rain too much.

Some people are like Slinkies…

Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

(Annie in LV)