Luna Tail

As for my own eating…!

Well, I don’t eat much variety. I’ve been cracking down in the last four days to get more on plan, to drop these last 10 pounds I have. It could be more than 10, I have some big thighs and some fattiness around my hips. I know it’s too much because it rolls, and that’s not good. I want to be thin and healthy.

It’s interesting how much food permeates my life. When I sit at home at night I just want to munch, even though I’m not hungry. It’s like this constant companion, food, that I want to have around me and eating. Even when I know I don’t need it. I guess it’s how I was raised. And it’s everywhere in our society.

I want to just eat when I’m hungry, and then only enough so that I’m no longer hungry. I’m not too terrible active, I jog a bit and do things with the dogs, but it’s not like I’m working in the fields 16 hours a day, or running after game.

Mostly I’ve been eating Eggplant Lasagne. And salads. But I don’t really like lettuce, I’ve finally decided. I really dislike Romaine, unless it has a dressing on it. Green and Red Lettuce is okay, but I still don’t care for it much plain. I like raw Spinach plain but it’s more expensive.

I also love my apple pita bake for dessert every day. Yummy. And smoothies, and apples and bananas. I was eating a lot of cooked cabbage but then I got some bad stuff and kinda stopped. I do have a need for cooked foods, and I think it’s purely in my mind. It’s comforting to eat cooked foods. And I like the taste better, too.

Tonight I’ll probably have asparagus for dinner, steamed, and my APB for dessert. And maybe some steamed cauliflower.

I’m going away for the weekend, and I have no idea what to bring to eat. Probably beans. I can’t leave the dogs in the car to go shopping, way too hot.

Liebowitz Social Anxiety Scale - Results

Your score:
28 (fear) + 36 (avoidance) = 64

The scoring scale:
55-65 Moderate social phobia
65-80 Marked social phobia
80-95 Severe social phobia
Greater than 95 - Very severe social phobia

Leibowitz SA Scale

Weaken-ed — as opposed to Weekend.

I realized something on Saturday. Something I already knew, but had to realize again, though I’m pretty sure I realized it once before and just needed to think about it again.

When I am weak, tired, run-down… or just feeling bad physically, my SA is worse.

A lot worse.

Saturday I had a Pod Cycling competition again. I love them… I hate them. I love parts and I hate parts. There are so many people, and I’m so afraid I’m being judged. What on earth inspired me to actually do something that entails a ton of people, usually over a hundred, where most of us know each other casually and by sight, if not personally?

For the love of the sport. I know. For the love of the Cycles. But really, honestly, at the same time I hate it.

If only I could be in a holodeck, and do everything there, knowing the other humans are not REAL… I think that would help me a lot.

Anyway, so I worked Friday until 11:30 pm, got home and to bed at midnight. I just have a hard time with those hours anymore. I’ve adjusted, over 20 some-odd years, to getting up at 6am. So staying up late is difficult for me. 15 hour day. So I slept in on Saturday, missed my first competition in the morning, but caught the one in the late afternoon. But I was so extremely sensitive, so self-conscious. And at the same time I could sit there and experience the emotions passing over me, knowing in my brain they were not a reflection of reality in any sense of the word. And yet I could not stop them. I was so tired, so worn down, and so hypersensitive it was just spooky.

I don’t know what I appear like to others when I’m like that. I think I get humiliated by the humiliation I feel. And I had to sit there and think… no one knows what I feel. No one is punishing me for how I feel. Only I am punishing myself for how I feel. And why would I do that? Well, if I could stop it, I would have many, many years ago.

It’s an odd concept, to be ashamed of ones shame. Because the only one who really knows what it feels like is me. But I really think I had it hammered into my brain when I was little that I should not feel that way, think that way, be that way… that I was bad. Bad bad bad evil evil evil awful.. and it stuck.

And to this day I have not gotten it out of my head.

I probably should get to some therapy. But the time, the money… I’m just not ready yet.

“There’s facts about dogs, and there’s opinions about them. The dogs have the facts, and the humans have the opinions. If you want facts about a dog, always get them straight from the dog. If you want opinions, get them from humans.”

Kinship with all Life
J. Allen Boone

I just think it’s odd.. people with SA actually blog?

Well, it looks like the server must be bounced, and so I’m at a halt. Well, for a half hour at least, and then the real fun starts. 5:30 pm, should be time to go home. Oh well. I’m actually one of the important folk now and I really, really enjoy being important. I wish I got paid more for being more important.

Life is good. I haven’t done anything much, like I said, because of work. Didn’t go to Pod Cycling class Monday or Tuesday, because of work and the 4th holiday, respectively. So I don’t have much social anxiety to report.

I can talk about other general anxiety. There are some things I just hate to do, because when I even start them, I get all tight and angry. It’s quite odd, I think I have associated bad feelings with certain actions. Cooking is one of them. I start to cook, and I just get cranky. It’s Pavlovian I think. I start to clean the house, same thing. Even with my Pod Cycling, and I hate that. Also writing. I so want to write, but I get all twisted up inside when I sit down to do so. But I have such a great story in my head!

A new thing I’ve started up that does not cause this anxiety is knitting! Oh I love to knit. I can sit and figure out a pattern for hours. And I’m good at it! It’s so refreshing.

Also my work, I don’t get anxious about working. I work on software and so I’m glad about that. And, over the last few years my boss has given me some great stuff to work on that has increased my self confidence exponentially. I’m grateful.

Learned Helplessness, is anyone familiar with it? It’s amazing. I have Learned Helplessness in a lot of areas. It’s so wonderful to know that what I do does make a difference. Instead of trying and trying and trying, and getting no positive results. Sometimes that still happens to me, but I’m now convinced that if I continue to try, I will succeed!

Last pay period I worked something like 108 hours… now I don’t even remember. But too much. I just hope to get some good overtime out of it.

Back to work… I’m feeling okay, though I haven’t been doing much but working lately.