Luna Tail

Went to lunch again with the coworkers. I have been eating awfully the last couple of days. I’ve lost 25 lbs and I want to keep them off. And today the fish I ate didn’t even settle well. I prefer my fruits and vegetables, please and thank you. Back on track tonight and tomorrow. Though I might splurge on a bag of potato chips this weekend, I haven’t decided yet.

So sometimes I say something, doesn’t even matter what it is, just some dumb thing, and I get no reply from people. I don’t understand why people don’t reply. Not even a nod, or a ‘hm’, or anything. When I was a kid I was taught that was super rude, to not reply at all. It’s taking me a long time to understand that I guess some people just don’t have anything to say. But I ALWAYS reply to people, no matter what.

But then sometimes my reply sounds stupid, canned, or irrelevant. What I’d really like to say is “I have no response to that.” But I’ve never had the guts to do so. Not even with my husband. It sounds like such a funny answer, but coming out of my mouth I think it would be stupid.

But then I can say something, an exact same thing as someone else, and it sounds stupid coming out of my mouth, when it sounds perfectly reasonable coming out of someone else’s mouth.

I have a Pod Cycling Competition on Sunday. I hope it goes smoothly. I will take my knitting with me if I’m sitting around a lot. Oh can I knit on a Cycle? Sure why not. Pod Cycling isn’t really Pod Cycling anyway. It’s a secret to keep me anonymous, if you haven’t already figured that out.

But at my PCC I hope I will not be so nervous I’ll be all twisted up into knots. I hope to sit in the shade and watch the other PCers go by. Tuesday night I had a PC Class, and when I drove away, I realized I was wrapped as tight as a ball of twine. I was able to unwind pretty quickly, and I remembered that I’d forgotten to remember to relax. Relaxing takes a whole lot of conscious effort on my part.

I don’t relax easily.

I’m so glad it’s hot outside. I love the heat. I love being in the sun. I love the summer.

And so this is life, is it? Well then.

Today I went to a company party. I felt stupid, as usual. I always feel stupid. I’m actually not very bad around my coworkers. In fact, I think this job has helped me grow a great deal, and overcome some of my SA. I joke with my friends from work… but it is not a joke. In order for me to get comfortable with someone, I have to spend 8 hours a day with them for three years, then I get better. And still I’m not what I would want to consider ‘normal’. Whatever that is anyway.

I’m still nervous and fidgety when I’m talking to people. The ONLY person in the world I have no SA with is my husband. Yes, I have a husband. Yes, I had trouble finding a husband. No, it wasn’t because of my SA. It was because of a layer of crap that was on top of the SA some years or so ago. After therapy and recovery groups, I managed to pull myself out of that shit. It was hard. Hardest thing I ever did. Best thing I ever did. I did it for me. Which is the most important part. (Actually it was easy to find a husband… just any husband. It was hard to find a GOOD husband, which I’m glad I finally have.)

Because no one will ever take care of me like I want to be taken care of, except me.

I had to learn that.

I think most humans are born as babies knowing that. Not me. But I learned it the damn hard way.

Anyway back to my work party. I sat with my friends. I like them a lot. (A lot is two words, look it up will ya?) We even do things outside of work. But when we do, I still am terrified. I wonder if they can sense it. I am not sure. If I ask my male friend if he can sense it, he says no, but I think he’s lying. I’m more terrified of women than I am men. Women are scary as hell. They are sharp. They just feel sharp. I don’t know why, they just do. Probably why I couldn’t have chosen a woman as my companion. Don’t get me wrong, I find women very attractive and I would sleep with one… if I was not terrified of her. I’m terrified of all women.

I say terrified, and I’m not over using the word, okay? I’m not. It’s appropriate. In fact, the word is less than what I feel.

But I go out anyway. I suck up the terror and I brave the world. I think many SAers don’t. They hide in their homes. But then again I want to hide in my home. And often I’m out and about, shaking in my boots, pulling my cuticles off my fingernails, stuttering, making an idiot fool out of myself, and wondering what the hell I’m doing. Why I’m not safe at home with my books, my TV and my Cycles. But I’m out there.

Is that a good thing?
Heck if I know. Doesn’t feel like a good thing at the time. But then usually I’m glad I did what I did, out in the scary world.

Hi, I’m Francis. Okay, I’m not really Francis. But that is the name I’m going to use here. I don’t like the name Francis, particularly, but that’s no matter. And it’ll keep me hidden better, won’t it?

Probably someone well versed in the web will figure out who I am, but for now, for me, I feel better hiding behind a secret alias.

I have social anxiety. Most people will not understand what that means. Those who have it, they understand. It runs deep, it is pointless, it came from when I was young, from somewhere inside, and I’m working on trying to get rid of it. I’ve gotten rid of some other nasty behavioral patterns, to my pride and joy, but this one still holds me back.

I enjoy pod cycling with my four cycles. I spend a lot of time with them. And it lets me be outdoors. But mainly, I’m just a bundle of nerves, even while associating with other pod cyclers. This, I want to end.

So perhaps I will occasionally write here about my struggles.

Well! I can just talk about what I eat! Now that is a great subject. And what I feed the dogs.

I’m excited about following the Eat To Live plan, presented by Dr Joel Furhman. Excellent plan. I started eating this way in March of 2005, and in three months I dropped 20 pounds! I was stunned! The weight just fell off me. It was awesome.

It’s been over a year now since I started, and this year I’ve dropped 5 more pounds for a total of 25. I’m down to 145 pounds. I’m 5′7”, and so 170 was waaaaay too heavy for me. But back 25 pounds ago, I couldn’t loose a pound no matter what I tried. Exercise didn’t help, and no I wasn’t willing to jog 30 miles a week ack. And calorie restriction on SAD just left me hungry all the time.

So E2L is awesome, and I’ll eat this way the rest of my life. Of course sometimes I splurge. But that’s okay. And I shoul probably drop another 10 pounds, but I’m quite happy with where I am. How’s that for odd!

As for feeding the dogs, I’m considering going RAW, or partially raw, for them. I’m really not a fan of dried processed dog foods. I eat healthy myself, why don’t I feed the dogs what is best for them? I’m looking into it.